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Coping With Divorce covers positive, rational approaches to the painful circumstances of divorce in areas like blame, cooperation, money, child custody and emotional recovery.

Coping With Divorce

If at all possible in almost all cases, it's better to try to save a marriage and a family.  But, when it isn't possible, how do we cope?  Sometimes divorce is forced upon us against our will and sometimes it's a decision we have to make to end a painful or threatening relationship.  Whatever put you in a divorce situation, coping with divorce involves rational attitudes to survive irrational conditions.  On the subjects of blame, getting along, money, child custody or emotional recovery, following a few rational approaches can help you and your family cope.  Here are some of the top-selling books on divorce recovery.  

Fixing Blame:  The best of divorces are horribly painful ordeals.  It's natural for us to place blame on the other person to try to deflect some of the pain.  It's the nature of disagreement that the other person is wrong.  There wouldn't be disagreement unless they thought we were wrong, as well.  On the other hand, some of us try to take all of the blame in an irrational attempt to punish ourselves.  Fixing blame on ourselves or our ex is a useless waste of energy and emotion that makes it harder for us to recover.  It takes two to make a successful marriage and two for the unsuccessful ones.  Fixing blame destines us to not learn from our mistakes and to repeat them in the future.  Coping with divorce requires the discipline to accept that there were plenty of wrongs on both sides and to learn from the wrongs we endured and those we caused.  The really cool thing about taking this approach is what it does for us.  You become a stronger, wiser, better spouse should you venture down the aisle again.  Our personal recovery and growth is why we try to keep from fixing blame, not necessarily to get along with the ex.

The Amicable Myth:  Getting along is the goal of one of today's the most popular illusions, the amicable divorce.  Don't get me wrong, coping with divorce requires that we do everything in our power to live at peace.  Unfortunately, though, amicability is a bit of a myth.  Let's look at why!  During marriage, we provided each other financial support, domestic services, companionship and sexual satisfaction.  At that time, our inability to get along on some level created the need for divorce.  It continues to amaze me how many people expect to get along after removing all the benefits of marriage and adding emotional grief,  financial hardship and complex custody arrangements.  Regardless of how the ex behaves and how tempting it is to pound them into the dirt, the best realistic outcome is that we personally choose to do no harm.  This is coping with divorce rather than creating revenge strategies.   

Financial Facts:  Coping is understanding that, before the assets are divided and the spousal and child support agreements are made, everyone in the family will suffer financial hardship.  Some have said that money is the number one cause of divorce...I've come to believe that money trouble is just a symptom of a bad relationship, not the cause.  Divorce adds about 40-50% to the necessary expenses to pay for a second home and all the stuff required for the kids to live in both.  One man told me, though he was living in a separate room from his wife and he was in a committed affair with another woman, he couldn't divorce because he would have to sell his home and his boat and pay child support.  The money is so important to some people they will even harm their children to keep as much of it as possible.  The financial facts are, the family assets are owned by both people and should be divided equally.  If we can't come to an equitable agreement as to how the assets are to be divided, it's better to walk away with only the clothes we're wearing than to give most of it to lawyers in a drawn out court battle.  It's just stuff!  Besides, the stuff benefits the children when they're with the ex.

Conclusion at Coping With Divorce-2

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