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Conclusion of Coping With Divorce covers child custody and emotional recovery.

Coping With Divorce-2

Continued from Coping With Divorce

Child Custody:  The financial issues are so important to some people, they actually base their child custody requests to minimize their expenses or maximize their income.  One of the saddest things to witness is parents who hate each other so much it overpowers their love for the children.  The kids become cannon fodder in a never-ending battle between their parents.  It becomes more important to win than to make things right for the children.  People often use their custody time to try to turn the children against the ex.   The children are severely damaged, always having to choose sides to get any affection from their parents.  One of the most common false accusations in custody battles is sexual abuse, requiring the children to endure traumatic physical exams and embarrassing psychological evaluations.  If there is good reason to suspect something, these things are necessary.  If not, the accuser, by putting their children through this, is sexually abusing them.   Coping with divorce requires a different tactic with respect to the children.

Love for our children demands we seek a child custody outcome only to minimize emotional disruption and maximize happiness for the children, whatever the cost, regardless of our needs or wants.  If possible, we won't allow the children to be harmed by a selfish tug-of-war, even if it means giving up some visits.  Child custody should never be about the rights of the parent.  We won't trouble our children with the details of the divorce or with negative comments about the other parent.  Our relationship with the ex is none of their business.  Whenever possible, for the sake of the children, we should find ways to build up the other parent even if the other parent is tearing us down.  At least the kids won't be getting a double dose.  If the kids say something against the ex, we should support the ex's decisions and remind the kids they are to love and obey them as their parent...whether we agree, or not.  If we have nothing good to say, it's best to say nothing at all.  After all, the kids are the ones who had no say in all this.  They need our help to cope with the divorce and recover. 

Divorce Recovery:  Recovery is the last thing because all of the foregoing has to be put in it's place before recovery is possible.  It doesn't require the ex agree to anything or apologize for has nothing to do with them.  Despite how the ex acts, unless we get past the blame, agree to live in disagreement, let go of the money issues and approach custody with the right motivations, recovery is impossible.  Most people move on with much of this baggage unresolved, but they haven't recovered.  Sadly, the baggage flavors every new relationship and often destroys them.  Coping with divorce takes time.  It requires we work through all the emotional stages of divorce and get to where we accept ourselves and our lives.  Divorce recovery is more a journey than a destination.  We'll discover and have to rationally deal with new situations and emotions for years to come, especially if there are children involved.  But, once we've come to the place where we've learned from our mistakes, chosen to do no harm, let go of the stuff and made the children our priority, we will have the power to cope with these circumstances and move on in recovery to new lives and healthy relationships.      

I want you to know there is someone who can help, who loves you and wants only the best for you.  That someone is God.  If you want help from God, just click on Help Me God.

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