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I have never told a soul about what happened to me age 7-13
I do not want to take this to my grave but I can't tell anyone I know personally.
I was forced by my male cousin 6 years older
He pulled me into a small dark room
I didn't know what was going to happen
I thought it was a game of hide and seek
He forced my hand around his......
I tried to get away and I said no and stop
He silenced me and overpowered me till he was done.
I was disgusted, guilty, scared, frozen and confused.
He lived with us. This and more continued happening till he joined the navy. I stayed away from him when I could. But this has haunted me my whole life and I am 43 today.
What is sickening to me every time I think of him is he never had to answer for his actions
He was able to get inheritance money when my grandmother died.
He also constantly asks for money from the family.
People help him because they feel pressured.
If they only knew what he did all those years. I go on keeping this humiliating secret to protect my family from the shame and distress this would cause if it comes to light. How embarrassing for me and my family. I wish he would not come back ever (he moved to Washington and still visits). I have to act like nothing ever happened when I see him. He is not remorseful in the least. I hate him. I wish he would see this post and be sorry. He isn't capable of remorse.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety but no one understands. I am claustrophobic, and can't stand to be touched so I avoid friendly gatherings. I am distrustful and isolated. I have trouble establishing boundaries and saying no. I feel worthless and self sabotage in everything. I deprived myself of my graduation ceremony out of self hate even though I finished with honors. This dark secret makes me feel dishonest. I blurt out things I shouldn't (keeping no other secrets) because I can't tell the truth of my shameful childhood. I have tried to bury the memories but instead find myself disgusted and wanting to die. No one understands why I am depressed because I don't tell. I am invisible.
I wonder if this forum is also invisible.
I thought about talking to a priest but I don't know if I could trust one. I thought about talking to a friend but I don't think anyone can keep my secret. I think I can't dump this on anyone with a clean conscious because it's not fair to make other people sick with my issues. No one should be contaminated with this sadness.
It is ridiculous that I can't even do the women's wellness visits without extreme anxiety and disgust. I wish my husband could know that my hang-ups are my problem and not his fault. I can't even tell him my story. He deserves a better partner.
My mother was so proud of her generosity. What a great deed she often boasted- to take in and raise her nephew. His father didn't want to raise him and his mother was unfit. He grew up knowing who his parents are. Their visits were never good for him. He learned bad ways from his biological parents during the summer and some weekends. His unfit dad thought it was a great idea to give him dirty magazines. It was then he stopped treating me as his sister. I am not a fan of adoption within families. A child would have a better chance at growing up properly if the unfit parents had no contact. My mother unknowingly sacrificed my childhood for her "good deed' and boasting rights of saving the day.
I was always kept home for my protection but the perpetrator was invited to live in our house.
I have learned to be a different parent than mine. I can hear the taunting over and over in my mind. I was repeatedly told by family members including adults that I was dumb, dingy, and an airhead. My mom told me that I am self centered, selfish and lazy. My parents believed in spanking with a belt, hairbrush, or whatever they could find. One beating stands out in my mind-she actually threw me into the closet door hard enough to break it. I was controlled with a strict double standard and what good did it do? The most harm came to me was when I was home where I was "protected". Why do people have children when they can't stand them? Till this day I can't handle conflict. My husband says I'm really good at leaving.
I wish I had started my adult life far away from where I grew up. I can't get away from the bad memories. For several years I became a workaholic. I could put the thoughts away if I was busy and tired enough. Now that my work is less demanding, I'm forced to sit alone with my thoughts. I don't like the things I think about, but it won't stop. I used to think my husband was wrong to put an imaginary wedge between me and my family. The things he has said were right. Unfortunately I don't get to pick my family.
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