Hi, I am wondering if I will ever have a normal life. My father sexually abused me and groomed me to be almost like his wife. He started at me as early as I can remember. He put a wedge between myself and every one else in my family and it remains stuck fast that wedge. After I told I started having a breakdown which has never really stopped. I've been a wreck the whole of my life. I wrecked it further with drugs and drink and prostitution and by being unable to have good relationships with anyone...not even my children whom have been traumatised by my incredulous and insane pain that is warped and hideous and inceasant.
I have never been able to keep a job. I have become isolated in a new town where I quickly ruined my reputation that haunts me still. I get by on the skin of my teeth. There is not a week that goes by without me being hauled into some emotional hurricane inside that lasts a day or two - if I am lucky or else it can take over almost my whole week.
I have stopped all the bad habits, most recently even cigarettes. I guess this is the cause of a lot of this grief lately. I have no smokes to breathe the pain back down into my body but I got to tell you that I am really stuggling to keep up any motivation or cheer or hope. For me this promise of getting better seems a cruel joke. I can't see it happening.
I've done all I can. I handle my pain safely, I have counselling, I greive my loss, I scream out my rage ( into a six stack of pillows behind doors in the closet) so as not to be heard. I get through the feelings just to catch my breath before there is another onslaught - brought on by the kazillion triggers that life just is for me. It's been intense like this especially for the past five years. I can't stand it! I have had enough!!!!
I am not sure I believe in ever being well anymore...sad.gif sigh...