Hello, I am quite nervous as I am typing this and I am not even sure if anyone will respond to this.
I am 17, male, and until now have never spoken about this topic before to anyone at all, in any way, shape or form. For quite a few years now, since I was 9 i have been remembering a night when a single event happened. I am going to try and explain it as well as i can, but the memory is not perfect, yet still quite vivid, i was 6 or 7 she was 9 or 10 and i was in her room, with my pyjamas bottoms by my ankles and hers off, at that age i had no idea about sex or anything to do with that and i just remember her telling me to put my penis (which was erect) into her. I did so because she had offered me money (something like 20p which for me was alot back then) and so i did thinking nothing of it. I then began to feel pain and so i stopped and started to pull up my trousers, i remember being told by my sister she would give me a certain amount and i said no and then she said even more and being the little boy i was i said yes, again thinking nothing of it as i didnt know what i was doing. this happened and i move slowly but nothing very much and then after a while i heard my dads footsteps and my sister told me to pull my trousers up. I then ran to my room and jumped into my bed whilst my dad walked into my sisters room, I remember being very nervous as my sister had sounded worried and then my dad went to my room and asked me whether i had done something (i was too young to understand sex) and so he said something along the lines of your sister says you did something naughty with her. is this true? and i said no it wasnt very loudly and quite obviously lying and i repeated that i had done nothing. he then said ok then are you sure and i said yes. now that is all i remember. so basically my sister tricked me into doing this as she knew i didnt know what i was doing and i would take the coins she gave me, although i dont know if she knew what we had done was wrong. My dad might know or he may have told my mum if my sister had even told him which i dont know if she did, but i have never spoken about this with my dad or mum ever, nor my sister. i just let it go and for years the memory was their but it never affected me that much, i got older and realised what had happened and how strange it was and then i began to worry about it a little, i try not to think about it and i rarely do but recently it has started again with the memories, it feels like a dream tbh but i know it happened because i have felt bad about it for so many years of my life since i was a young boy who at first didnt even understand what had happened. so please reply with whatever advice or opinion you have on whether this is abuse, what i should do, i am just feeling very confused and anxious and i dont like thinking about it. i also feel very wierd compared to other people. this case may not sound so serious compared to others and i understand that but it still affects me even though it isnt loads. just comment on anything i have written PLEASE because this is the first and probably only time i will want to talk about this. thank you.