Feb 6 2012, 06:42 AM
Ever since about 10 years ago (since I started high school) my sister has been very controlling towards me. It started out that she would buy me things- with or without me asking- & would then hold it over my head to get me to do what she wanted. If I went out with my friends & I wasn't home at the time she saw fit, she would call me obsessively and when I wouldn't answer would call my friends, or the place I was at(movies, restaurants ect). She ruined a lot of relationships for me by doing this. Things got progressively worse & she would beat me up if I didn't do what she said, take my phone from me if I was talking to friends, once she even slammed my head against a tile floor & would choke me. It's like things would be better for a few weeks & then they would get bad again. This past year I got engaged and married to a man in the army & moved to another state. She lashed out and said she hoped he died while he was deployed & made him feel unwelcome. If I don't answer her phone calls she sends me threatening text messages or calls my husband, so I am afraid to ever miss her call. For m.y bridal shower, because people were telling me & my mother that they were coming she would threaten to cancel it & said "if they're not on my list because they didn't call me, I'm going to tell them to leave". Everyone I talk to says to just tell her how I feel & not take it but I am so afraid of the backlash from her, due to previous times I've gone against her. I don't know what to do. I take things out on my husband because I can't confront her about it(thankfully he knows everything and understands). I feel like if I don't do what she wants she will make my life miserable, but if she continues to do this it will ruin other areas of my life.
Mar 14 2012, 09:24 PM
I am sorry that even as an adult you are still dealing with this problem. I recently cut ties with my older brother who sexually abused me as a child and controlled me mentally until last year when I cut all form of communication with him out of my life. You may not have to go to that extreme though. It sounds to me like your sister may have bipolar disorder. I would try to distance youself if possible. If she wants to see you and it seems as if she is having a bad day/week, tell her you are busy. Once you have a little bit of separation try writing her a letter and telling her how she makes you feel. You can do this without being hurtful or combative. Take your time and be aware of how each sentence might make her feel. Make sure you include things you love about her. Include funny memories to establish an emotional connection. But do get the point across that she hurts your feelings and that she makes you scared. That you wish you could have fun with her but you're always anxious for fear of upsetting her. Once you are done writing the letter it would probably be best to put the letter aside for a day or two and then reread it before putting it in the mail. If she responds well then maybe you could suggest family counseling. If you go also and make it a family, she won't feel as though you think she's crazy or "broken" which would make her defensive and possibly combative. If she doesn't respond well you might need to take a step back and examine the relationship and how it's effecting you. Your husband is supportive now which is great but there is only so much one can take. If you are taking this out on him, at some point he will begin to resent you for it. And honestly the relationship with your sister is not a healthy one. I don't blame you for letting her continue this, I know it's scary. Ive been there. But eventually I got tired of being scared and unhappy. And one day I realized I was the only person who had control of my happiness. That was the first time I ever felt in control of my own life. I realized that my brother had major problems that he never intended to address so I made the choice to take my life back and live without him in it. For that I became stronger and more impowered and just a happier person and a much better wife and mother. I will say that it was emotionally the hardest thing I'd ever done, it was like mourning a death. But after it got worse it got better. Better than it had ever been. I hope you can find peace and happiness, everyone deserves a shot at it.