Nov 20 2011, 11:27 PM
My name is unimportant but what I have had to keep inside of me all these years has been devistating to me. I was raped in a jail when I was sixteen years old. He was an adult that was taking of the kids side of the jail. I was the unlucky one. On top of this, I had epilepsy and had to take pills three times a day. I think that is how he chose me thinking that I had head problems. Anyway it happened many times before I got out and sent to a juvinile facility. I have punished my self my whole life and have been in and out of male on male relationships and of course I am playing the role that I was forced to as a kid. I have been hesitant to tell people about this or I might of got help along time ago. I do not do well with relationships with women. I have been a loner most of my life. I have been to prison three times and juvinile home three times. Also I have ended up living my life traveling either in carnivals or just living out of missions and this has been the past forty years. Yes, I had jobs but never kept them long and never stayed in one place very long. The people I have told, my wife, shortly after we got married, and she looked at me and said, I never would of married you if I would of known that you had sex with men. The next was a preacher at the church that I was attending and he looked like he did not wqnt to talk to me and that maybe I should find another church. My brother is the third and only person I have told. I don't know if it is worth dealing with now at 57 years old. I am having to deal with epilepsy which I had as a kid and now it is back and I can't get a job or drive and so I have alot on my plate right now. I do not have a computer and am only able to check things out every once in a while. It might be months before I could read what is responded to what I am saying now. Maybe I just need to put it out there in front of me and it might help alittle. I appreciate anything that could be said. Please do not victumize me if you are not serious about helping or at least sharing what migtht of worked in your life. I am a male but would be willing to listen either sex. Thank you for this place to atleast get things off my chest and out in the open.
Nov 22 2011, 08:38 PM
I'm sorry to hear your story. For now, all I can say is to consult a psychiatrist to help you.
Nov 30 2011, 03:28 PM
I think you are doing a good thing by talking about it......no matter what age.......I think most people are in there 40's or 50's before they are ready to look at this stuff. That's true for me.
I suffered emotional abuse, violence and sexual abuse in my childhood......and over the years I tried to reach out and tell certain people and, like you, it was not a good experience.
Somehow, now I have come to a place where I don't care what others think.....I speak for the helpless child that I was......and I have no time for those who want to try to make me feel guilty or ashamed......I know that I deserve better and I just move on because there are lots of people who will give me support........as there is for you too.
It takes time but if you start down that path......knowing that you don't need those who are judging you.......just gravitate to those who show compassion......
After a while, it won't matter what anybody says........because you will have the strength to be there for yourself and it won't matter what others say......but in the beginning it's good to find someone who will show you compassion and not judge you.....but will offer you support.....and then you will learn that you deserve support......I can see that I attracted a lot of idiots in my life because I didn't feel inside that I desereve support........Also I would say....go slowly....share a little and see how people respond......don't take any ####....you are protecting a young person who was helpless........if people give you the wrong attitude......move on........that's what I did.
I want to thank you for writing your experience and I wish you all the love and support you deserve.....
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