this is not easy for me to write. ive never said this to anyone - barely even to myself. it wasnt necessarily a supressed memory as in i NEVER thought about. it was often in the back of my mind but was always pushed back - but never so far back that i totally abandonded it.
the last year i have bene going through a lot of emotional stuff - all kinds of feelings and thoughts led me to where i am now. i am trying to become the best person that i can and work on myself in a lot of ways. ive had to really look myself in the mirror and admit to my flaws and weaknesses. i do believe i am improving and i desperatly want to be a happy person. there is one thing , though, that really started staying in my mind the last few days and im not exaclty sure why it is presenting itself so strongly now.
but , like i said, i am working very hard to improve my life and my furture happieness and rather than "put things off" like i always have in the past, i want to address them, deal with them, fix them and move on from them. so i want to start by writing to you - people i dont know who cant judge me personally and people who can possibly relate in some way.
i had, for all accounts, a very normal upbringing and a close and happy family - parents are still married and im the 2nd oldest of 4 children and the only girl.
when i was younger - i cant remember the exact age but i do believe it was around the late elementary/early middle school age, my older brother - 2 years older than me - touched me. and i let him. i never asked him to stop and i never told anybody - ever. it started because we would give each other massages - like 10 minutes for you and then 10 minutes for me. at some point, though, while rubbing my back , he then moved his hands to my chest area and rubbed that. i did not stop it although i did know it was not supposed to happen. i dont think , at the time, i thought it was terribly wrong, though. i by no means felt like it was an outrage. in fact, while i knew it wasnt right and i do beleive he also did, i was curious. in time it led to more touching in the genital areas and , at at least one point, orally in the tongue area. this was only preformed on me and i never did it in return and he never asked me too. please remember, this is the first time i am EVER talking about this, so some of my memories are a little foggy. how it would end at the end fo the night, for instance, i am not sure. i may have said "im going to bed now". i dont really know. i did know it was wrong but , again, the sick part it, i was curious and i did enjoy it a bit. we both certainly knew better. at the time, im not sure i really felt victimized - maybe i did feel used , i dont know. but i didnt know what to do. i never went to my parents or anything. i dont think it really ever even crossed my mind to do something and i wonder if, somehow , my brother knew i never would. i dont remember exactly for how long this went on - i dont think it was that long. well, i guess thats all relative. i beleive it was just a few months. i dont think it was more than a year. and i dont remember how or why it ever stopped. other than that, we lived our lives normally. we never talked about it or acted different in any other situations.
i remember only ONE time that it was referenced - and not specifically. we were aruging about something in front of my mom and i said something along the lines of "if you say/do that, then im gonna tell on you to mom and you know youll get in a lot of trouble" . he did know what i was talking about , i think, without me saying it. so , yes, i guess we did both know it was wrong. its possible, but like i said i dont remember, that it all stopped after that. im not sure though.
its weird, writing this now, that i dont remember everything - like how long it lasted or when it stopped. i guess since then - by the way im 28 now - we just have both lived our lives. once it did end it was NEVER mentioned - ever. and it was never acknowledged in anyway either - it just kind of stopped and that was it. i dont remember ever being angry with him or hating him. over the years, those times it came into my mind, maybe i was angry at him but i just suppressed it.
heres the crazy thing though and what i think makes it so hard now to remember or believe it - ever since then we have had a totally normal brother/sister relationship. we continued to grow up in the happy family, we hung out in high school, looked out for each other in high school, became friends with each others friends, etc. my brother grew up into a very good and decent man - and please dont judge me for saying that. its almsot like theres no way that was him that did that. and we went to the same college and hung out and talked and it was just like, honestly, like it never happened. i think maybe there was a sense of awkwardness sometimes but that was it. i think that, if he remembers - its possible that he supressed it - he feels ashamed and totally guilty and probably totally confused about how that ever even happened - just like i feel that way now too.
we are grown adults now and we tlak quite often, see each other , hang out. and we respect and love each other and have , by all accounts, a 100% totally and completely normal brother/sister relaitonshp - except for this memory that is now presenting itself to me.
its hard for me to say for sure if i have had any psychological effects from this. i probably have and do not realise it. its just so strange bc, other than the memory now, its like it never happend. like it was a lifetime ago with different people. was it really abuse since we were both kids? was it curiousity? what was it? and what do i do now? if i do let myself really think about it - which i really dont - i feel ashamed, dirty, violated, guilty,etc. but, at the same time, my brother really is a great man now and its liek it wasnt him - it was him as a confused and f*cked up kid. so i dont know now what to do.
i am seeing a therapist for other reasons - just to kind of talk to someone about my life and what i want and stuff. she has asked me before if there was anything in my childhood that i remember as tramautic or bad and i said no even though i knew i was lying. should i open up to her about this? i do want to move ahead in the best way with my life. however, im scared that talking about this will open up a whole can of worms that im not sure i have the strength right now to address.
please respond in any way you can