So, when I read on mental issues, I have way too many traits lately. I could see myself as having them. According to the rule of Catch 22, doesn't that mean I don't have them if I know I have them? Almost a decade of abuse, and when I get free of it, the government sides against me and sticks me back in the center of it with the government helping. I want to die, but don't want to leave without a fight. I want to abuse my abusers, extremely cruelly and definitely against any reasonable organization or belief, and actually be more merciful by ending their pain when I'm done. I feel as if I should be incarcerated, but I already am by how I have to live. My own desires, hopes, beliefs, and desire to be human shackle me to this existence or being sadistic people's enjoyment. Am I some type of mass murderer, or crazy sick lunatic- or does my awareness and repulsion make it different. Do I give in to the government, and what do I do if I give in? I've already tried to get help, and that assists my mental instability. My existence is a curse, and any change would be enjoyable to me. So do I want to be this lunatic so that I can have these leeching abusers support me, or at least stop messing with me with my death? Or is there no advice for those who actually need it? I want to do right, but when I do it turns out more evil than doing nothing. I'm a lefty, so is it some sick joke- should I do the most evil things possible in order to do something right?

These abusers of mine, they steal, rob, and take from the needy without giving ever, and one of them is a known pedophile- accused, with evidence, convicted, and having admitted it themselves without coersion. Is that who the government supports? Pshycopaths who rape 5-year old girls? I can't rape a kid, but I would kill, I think that's the worst most evil thing I could do. Would the government be happy with me then? Or where is the mafia, if the government say they are bad, then they must be a group of angels- can they take me so that I can help good people do good?

Where are the divisions? what is mentally unhinged, Catch 22, the truth, and reality? Those are so mixed that I can't differentiate. I don't want to be crazy, but following society is crazier than looking for help from society.... Help ...