Hello, I am new to this site and desperately need support. When I was a very young child, my older brother (7 yrs older) was my best friend. We were constant companions and I really felt loved and protected by him. Somewhere around 3rd grade this changed in a horrible way. My parents would frequently leave him to babysit me at night. He began taunting me and terroizing me unmercilessly. I remember him frequently pinning me to the living room floor by my wrists and sitting on top of me for what seemed like hours. I always ended up on the floor in front of our front door (which makes me think I was trying to get away). Sometimes, he would chase me into a bathroom that had a sliding door. I would frantically try to hold the door shut but he would always over power me (sometimes even ripping the door off the track to get at me). I don't have specific memories of sex occuring but somehow I KNOW IT DID. Sometimes I would "wake up" (come out of a dissociative state?) and he would be crying. I can still feel the agonizing pain in my wrists. Around this time I developed a phobia about vomiting. I used to think this was because my mother would get angry at me if I threw up but now I think it is connected to my brother and what he did to me. As I grew older I would sometimes try to defend myself from him. Once I threw a bottle of India Ink at him and it splashed on the living room rug. My mother was furious at me but didn't bother to ask why I did it. Another time he chased me down when I was eating dinner and I stabbed him in the hand with a fork. He became rageful and I don't remember the rest. My brother was always seen as the one needing sympathy and support. So here I am 25+ years later struggling with food addiction and depression. I feel so depressed somedays I don't think I can continue. The irony is that I work in the helping professions so I am rightfully expected to be totally present for others (even if they are describing abuse memories). I cannot afford to take time off (no sick/vacation days) yet I feel like I am cracking. I have a wonderful therapist who has helped me for years but since my father and sister died last year (another traumatic story) I don't feel like I am coping anymore. I want to stop the insanity of the addiction and I am praying to my HP to help me everyday. I would appreciate it if someone -anyone- could give me a few words of encouragement. Thank you