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Broken
I've not been on here in a very long time. I had actually considered deleting my account as I thought I had worked through all my issues. However, they have resurfaced and I have no where to turn. I was molested by my father until the age of 10. I don't remember when it started. My cousin tried to rape me when I was about 8. Some of the details are fuzzy, like when exactly it happened, but others are clear as day, like what I was wearing and where we went. Even the fact that he couldn't get it in.. I'll leave that there. I was married for almost 13 years and now have been divorced for 3 and a half. My ex cheated on me and used my childhood against me telling me I was crazy from it so I wouldn't fight for full custody. I agreed for joint and that was the end.

Meanwhile, I started dating an older man about 3 years ago. He has been nothing but good to me. Now I am questioning my judgement. I am not sure why all of a sudden I am having all these issues. I have never told him what happened to me. After the incident with my ex I swore I would never tell anyone else. I am now pushing this man away, and have hurt him deeply. I know he loves me, but I am not sure that I am capable of loving anyone like that again. The only people in the world that I tell I love them are my children. I don't even tell my mom or my grandparents (who mean the world to me) that I love them. Instead of becoming emotional as many do, I very rarely show any emotion. I was even asked by this man if I had emotions. He has never seen me cry in the 3 years we have been seeing each other.

There are a couple of things that might possibly have triggered these feeling to push him away. I recently went to court and was awarded full custody of my children. It took me 3 years to be able to stand up to my ex and take him back to court. By the way, he didn't show up so it was a quick decision by the judge. The other is that my boyfriend really wants to get married. I don't want to hurt him, but I know I can't go through that. I am not sure that I will ever be able to trust that way again. On top of all of this, very few people knew I was seeing him. I didn't tell [/font][/size]anyone because he is so much older than me, however, I am 36 years old so it shouldn't really matter.
survivorone
Broken, Hi.
Thanks for posting your experience......I have had a lot of trouble trusting people in the past due to the severe abuse from my childhood.......emotional and sexual abuse.....
Recently.....in the last few years I have reached out to some I thought were trustworthy only to find that they told others and used the info to shame me.
I found this hard to take........but now I realize.....I don't need idiots like that......
I believe that I'm worth more and I support my child I was on a regular basis........sometimes he's hard to find, but I go looking fo him, I don't wait for him to feel isolated and hurt like in the past when I didn't know I was worth it......And now I have learned to be discerning in who I share with........I know I deserve to be cared for and respected....so I don't get caught up with the boneheads anymore........
Anyway, I did send you along a PM.....but wasn't sure if you would get it so I posted here as well.....
Want to wish you the very best and to say again, thanks for shareing your intimate experience, it means a lot to me....
Take care
Survivorone
lenelovedone
First of all, I feel very sorry to hear your story. You've been in a very miserable situation and I can see that you're not yet ready to take another responsibility. You may take time to be able to love again. After all, true love will wait if that's really for you.
Confidential
Hi Broken,

I don't think you're Broken. Maybe a few scratches and dents, but not broken. You are in a difficult spot, indeed. Your life has changed dramatically and you're dealing with new kinds of stress. It seems to me that you are trying to avoid being hurt by pushing this man away. Are you afraid of being hurt? I think you should speak to this man, if you do think you are both capable of sharing real love, and explain to him what your situation really is. Explain to him what happened to you, so he can understand that it is not a failure on his part, but rather an external issue that you both must work through. You may have a difficult time experiencing true emotions as a form of defense mechanism. If you don't feel anything, you can't feel pain, right? I think you might benefit from professional counseling or even relationship counseling to guide you through these issues and find a way towards a happy and fulfilling life. If this man truly loves you, which it seems that he does, he will be willing to go through this with you and be supportive. It's a long and difficult journey. I hope it works out in a positive way for you and your man.
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