Jun 24 2011, 04:35 PM
Hi, I'm a 16 years old girl and I really don't know how to explain my situation.
When I was about 9 years old my uncle started abusing me. He lives in another city so I don't see him very often, but every time I see him he comes after me wanting me to do stuff...
He never raped me, and I thank God for that, but the things he made and makes me do to him are just way too awful.
The last time I saw him was on Christmas and It was completely horrible, I thought he was actually going to rape me.
I had told him how bad he was making me a couple months before it happened and he had promised to never touch me again, but still he did it.
I don't know If or when this is going to happen again, but I hope It never does, I want this to stop but I don't know how, I can't tell my mom, I wouldn't stand people's looks.
This memories are killing me, and I face another problem: Even If I could build the courage to tell my mom or my dad I really don't think it would make any difference. You see, I'm Brazilian and the laws system is very weak, in my opinion. Most criminals don't stay more than 8 years in prison, and I don't know If it would help me in any way If I told my mom. He would probably remain free and it would only make me be more ashamed than I already am.
What do you think? what would you do in my position? can someone give me some advice?
Jul 4 2011, 01:46 AM
To be honest your making this situation more complex than it is, I understand why, but I say that in hopes you can pull back from the extremes and focus more on reality. You don’t need him to go to jail for this to stop. All you need to do is make it stop. Tell him firmly you’ll call the police if he continues. Firmly hit him if he gets forceful and run to get help. Resist, scream, etc… the actions to stop this from happening are very simple and easy. The problem is the motivation to stop it. You say you want to stop it but you don’t know how to feel that. You don’t know how to “want” it because of complications such as shame or fear. But you don’t have to be ashamed and you don’t have to be afraid. Like I said it’s easy to make it stop so what are you afraid of? It’s not that it’s hard or that it’d be dangerous that you’re afraid. So my point is you aren’t afraid for self defense, so address why you’re afraid and overcome it. There are times when emotions like fear and shame are positive but this isn’t one of them. You just need to look at them and say “screw you” so to speak and just do what you need to do to protect yourself. There are a lot of times I’ve been afraid to stand up for myself. Afraid I couldn’t or afraid of being criticized and hurt more. At your age that’s how I was and I couldn’t past it. But now looking back on it I can say at 16 I could have stood up for myself. I didn’t need to be afraid of hurt or criticism. I didn’t have anything to be afraid of I didn’t have anything to be ashamed of. And as you continue growing up you’ll look back on this and say the same.
Per telling your parents it doesn’t really matter. There’s definitely no reason not to. You say “I wouldn’t stand people’s looks” but I don’t look at you any differently. I look at you with sympathy and compassion. Not everyone will but those people aren’t worth having in your life. So by all means tell them because there is no reason not to. If they’re worth having in your life they will help you. If they aren’t. Then they won’t. It’s about giving value to your own life and caring about your self. Giving a damn about yourself. I couldn’t do that for the longest time. But the way I came to see it we all die, so why shouldn’t I care about myself? I was suicidal and I just came to that point where “we all die”, no point in killing myself. Even in the years after of depression, what’s the point of depression, why shouldn’t I care about myself? What’s the point of being miserable, why shouldn’t you care about yourself? What's the point of not telling them, why shouldn't you? The point of telling them is to get help you can't control whether you get it or not but you can at least out for it by caring about yourself. Just reach out for that help and from there it dosn't matter if you get it or not. Because you took the most positive step forward. Because right now you aren't getting help, you're already loosing, you're already at the worst end of it. You loose 'nothing' by reaching out for it.
Anyway to help you focus on what you need to do I’ll propose a simple question. And make the situation simple at the same time. Do you want him to continue sexually abusing you or not? If yes, then do whatever you want. If no. Do whatever it takes to stop him. Every time you feel fear go back to that same question again and answer it. Everytime you feel shame or another emotion that stops you then go back to that question again and answer it. And just do what you want. The fear, shame, any other emotions, they will change as you do it. And you can change them as you start building a healthier life.
Jul 16 2011, 10:38 PM
well i know how you feel ok i was in the very same postion with my brother when i was living at home even though my brother and i are both adaopted into the same family we arent blood related but my brother tired to have sex with me too so i really know how you feel ok it took me 10 yrs to tell my mom and dad about what happened and i told them on the phone then they questioned my brother on the matter and he denied it all like i said eearlier i know hes not my blood brother but that was sick
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