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Hi. I'm a seventeen year old teenager. I've been having trouble dealing with my past. When I was about seven or six, my grandfather molested me. I don't understand why it's affecting me so much more now than it was before. There was actually a time span from when it happened to when I turned thirteen where I did not remember the whole ordeal. Now that I remember, it's hard for me to forget. I told my mom about it. I still feel disgusting. Sometimes I'll feel perfectly fine but suddenly, something shifts in me and I just feel completely disgusted with myself, almost like its happening all over again. It's sickening. I don't understand why this happens. It makes me feel uneasy and makes me want to do anything just to forget it. I'm a former cutter and I do not want to go back on that bad habit. I'm having impulses to do things I wouldn't normally do. I don't want to sound like I'm this pathetic teenager who thinks her life is terrible when there are people who have had it way worse but I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to burden my mom with this because she's had to deal with so much, especially with me. I feel guilty feeling the way I do. Please help.
It's pretty simply why it happens. Everything that is happening to you happens for one of two reasons. It's either damage resulting from abuse/trauma from the molestation. Or it's attempts your body/mind are promoting to try and deal with what happened and the repercussions of it. The shifts are most likely a buildup of the past coming back to hit you. I know that the feelings from the past can buildup under the surface when they're buried and they can be brought back in an instant to produce an intense sudden shift and that's likely what's happening to you. I could feel more or less stable for example then in an instant I'd be horribly terrified of something. Because I never dealt with all the fear in the past and it just kept building up. Flashbacks or illogical connections to past feelings of pain or fear. Both play a part in sudden shifts. The intense feelings you have of disgust are undealt with feelings either indirectly or directly related to this incident and your body/mind are simply proposing the problem to you and trying to get you to deal with it. The feelings will never disappear and burying them or forgetting them, as you've learnt by now, dosn't get rid of them forever. So they'll always be brought back again and again in some form or another because you need to deal with them. Feel them and change them, diffuse why they are there, and add new things so you can feel something different. That can all be achieved in a variety of ways. You'll either learn your own way to do it through trial and error or you can get a therapist and get professional help dealing with it.

I know why you want to forget, why you want to run away, why you just can't bring yourself to deal with this. Not knowing how, not believing you can, not knowing you can and just being so absolutely overwhelmed you just can't find a place to start. Probably other and different reasons to. But regardless of those negative feelings you attach to something positive; something happy and encouraging that inspires you to deal with it and then you start somewhere. Anywhere you are comfortable starting. Usually it's with what's bothering you most or whatever you understand most which is generally what's bothering you most.

I understand not wanting to be a cutter again so fear of physically harming yourself and all the accompanying feelings is also one of the reasons that stalls your recovery. In essence fear of yourself stops you. But you're in control of what you do. If you don't want to be a cutter change the fear to a positive emotion and hold onto it so that rather than stalling you it protects you. So that you value yourself to the point you don't want to harm yourself for example is one possible positive emotion. I believe that depression/cutting in this instance would result from giving up or refusing to deal with what happened. I know it will keep hurting you and tearing you apart until you begin directing those feelings, that energy, into healing yourself. You will feel failure if you attempt to deal with it from time to time as well as success and you will be forced to address your depression and cutting again. But if your forced to address it then it hasn't been dealt with; it hasn't gone away and it's still there nomatter what. Forgetting dosn't work. Going back to a state where you don't remember it dosn't work. Even if you could go back to that state it wouldn't change much. Whether you remember the molestation consciously or not it still affects you which is why the only thing to do is deal with it.

So try and get a therapist. Lean on people close to you for support so that you don't loose sight of your end goal. Lean on them for encouragement. You can deal with everything it's just a matter of taking it a single step at a time. So do you have any ideas of what you need to do or would like to do? Of what inspires you to work for a better future?

Address any problems that get in the way of you dealing with this as well. Such as an inability to lean on people for support. Your hurting and rightfully so. Don't feel guilty for it. Your feelings are yours and you can't deny them or get rid of them you can only feel them and process them. Change them into something different or better. Like changing stress into relaxation or anger into peace it's easy by just developing the proper processes to do it by being able to make healthy choices that move forward. So another thing you need to address is why you feel guilty? Because the blunt honesty is. Your feeling hurt, everything else you feel is a result in some way of that, so your human. Your acting perfectly normal in this situation. So why do you feel guilty for being normal? Is it that your normal that you feel guilty about or isn't it more the situation you feel guilty of? Perhaps guilt over the fact your grandfather did molest you and you couldn't stop him or didn't know it was wrong even though you now do. Feelings are simply indicators something else is wrong so your feelings are right don't reject them. The situation or the source of the feelings is what is harmful not the feelings themselves. So if you can lean on your mom for support, reach out to her; yes it would burden her but if she's a good parent and deals with things positively it will bring you two closer and you'll both lean on each other for support. If on the other hand she isn't a good parent and if she would reject you. Then who might you be able to lean on in your life? If there isn't anyone then where can you find those type of people? On here is one place to start, therapy as well. Eventually when your in a healthier state, within yourself, is another excellent place to look for support.
Sad to hear that from you. ask for a professional help and attend a counseling are what you needed now. it will surely help you.
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