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marinewife88
Hi everyone!

I'm just going to jump into this by saying that I was molested by my father when I was a child. It went on from the time I was about 8 or 9 until I was 12. My dad remarried when I was about 10, and instead of helping me or protecting me, my stepmother was jealous of the "attention" my father showed me and always talked me down & wouldn't have anything to do with me. I finally told my mom that my dad "touched" me and she had me report everything to social services. I went to social services and talked to a social worker in front of my dad, and my dad denied everything. He told them that he touched me in a loving, "fatherly" way and that I was just reporting him because I wanted to move in with my mother. Nobody believed me but my mother. I've never actually sat down and talked to somebody about details of what he did, I try not to think about it but sometimes I'll get flashbacks, I even had one on my wedding night. There's alot of my childhood I don't even remember and I'm wondering if it's because I've tried to hard to block out the past? Ever since that happened to me I haven't sang or danced and I keep a guard up around everyone, including my husband. Every time I'm around my dad I just have the urge to hurt him. I want to let all of this go and put it in the past but I don't know what to do. Please help!
Moonglow
I'm sorry for what happened, that's really horrible especially with child services. From the sounds of it you got betrayed by pretty much everyone. So I can undersatnd your need to let it go, the immensity of it all. But the only answer is to work through it. Process the feelings and damage of the past changing it all so that you can feel something different. Like something other than anger, perhaps simply disgust, when your around your father. And fix the damage so that you can live in a different way like so you don't have to always keep your guard up but you can rather allow yourself to lower your guard because of the way you feel. And allow yourself to bring your guard up because of the way you feel thus establishing healthy control. The simple truth is that we are defined and build by our pasts. Maybe in movies people can just "let it all go" but that dosn't happen in the real world. So the first step is to get a therapist you're comfortable with and feel can help you and then just begin working through everything. All your feelings in relation to the past such as the anger and pain you mentioned. Behaviors also need to be worked through as they are are indicators of damage in the past. Like being unable to lower your guard. I imagine that problem is two pronged the first being unable to lower your guard the second being able to open up. For opening up that's likely due to being abandoned and betrayed so much, having your self confidence destroyed among other things. For being unable to lower your guard if your referring to hypervigiliance where you're constantly trying to identify threats and are in a knot basically then that's likely due to trauma from being molested so much. The sexual abuse, the violation of boundaries. Once what was really damaged is identified it's a simple matter of fixing it one damaged thing at a time. Fixing physical, emotional and mental boundaries. Developing healthy personal space, self confidence, whatever the problem is you just set about making it better. And a good therapist can definently help you do that.

For what you can do aside from the therapist is accept that you want to work through everything and then just begin doing it. Exploring feelings, behaviors, and trying to change your life to the life you want. Then fixing the problems you encounter and adapt to keep moving closer to the life you want. Like being unable to lower your guard. For me nothing of the necessary things existed for being able to lower your guard. I couldn't trust people, deep down, at all. I didn't have any sense of personal space so I had no comfort zone, no defense zone. The being unable to trust people among other things resulted in everything being a threat around me they "couldn't" be anything else, the fact I didn't have personal space or a defense zone made it so that I couldn't defend myself emotionally or mentally because that personal space is the basis of your guard. And so both those things had to be fixed, among other things, to be able to lower my guard. Because as it stood everything within visual sight ended up being identified as threats, complete strangers on the street it didn't matter everyone was a threat. And I couldn't lower my guard at all my mind would race struggling to process all the different threats trying to identify ones that weren't going to hurt me or ones that might. It all took place in my mind physical behaviors didn't result until someone had been identified as a direct threat. It could be as simple as walking in my direction or looking at me my body would tense, pulse would quicken, breathing would grow shallow. I'd always try to move to establish physical distance and if not I'd recoil to protect myself in some manner even if they weren't going to touch me. I remember one time my dad came into the camper we were staying and he just said a few words. He didn't even lay a finger on me but my heart raced before he even came in and when he said those words I nearly fell over because I just felt someone punch me. Even though no one did my side hurt and ached like someone just had. I felt the weight of the blow, the stinging of it, and my body perfectly reacted to it. My body and mind expected it so much that they went so far as to create it if it didn't happen. A few of the screwed up things that made that possible was that I hadn't developed processes for protecting myself physically so I had no reaction but to take the hit. Because I hadn't dealt with pain and events in the past I had no clear separation between them and the present. So flashback, re-enactment, alot of different things resulted in that because I'd never dealt with the past I couldn't deal with the present differently. I hadn't learnt how to deal with it differently and couldn't deal with it differently because I was more or less locked into my responses until I did learn and develop until I did begin working through the past where I was stalled and stopped.

So for you what's wrong? And yes you likely blocked out your childhood as a natural defense mechanism with no conscious thought or attempt involved. It depends how much memory is missing and definently on what you "feel" because that will help you determine inconsistencies. Feelings without memories for example. Such as feeling an intense fear of "someone" and having no memory of them ever hurting you. Or even as subtle as "feeling" like someone did something without knowing what that "something" was and not being able to remember it. Whether blatantly obvious or very subtle inconsistencies are definently worth exploring.
myturnnow
Hello, I'm sorry for what you've been through. You are such a strong person for coming on here & telling your story. When I decided to tell my story it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but once it was done, it was such a releif.
You are right bout your childhood memories & not remembering them. I have gotten these random flashbacks that I didn't remember happening... Then I realized that I blocked out everything bad that happened to me.
I had used drugs when I was a teenager to take the pain away & block out what was going on @ my house.
My step dad sexually abused me. It was such a terrible & scary thing to go through again & again. I felt taken advantage of, I felt that he took my innocense & he said that what he was doing was what he considered "bonding". He said that it was also "fatherly love" & that he was "teaching" me things for the future & boys.
When I was 6 I told my mom what he was doing to me but she did nothing. She just let it happen for 6 years more. She did all she could to make sure no one knew bout it & that I was kept @ home as much as possible. She kept me In like her own ittle bubble she could control me with.
Anyways, I think you just need to contniue satying strong & also I suggest a therapist. Here where I live we have ones that are free, maybe youl have some too. Give it a chance, it was a huge change for the better for me. Good luck smile.gif
marinewife88
Thank you both for the input. Many years ago when I was going through that mess, right before the social services incident, my dad had me go to a therapist who promised me everything I told her would stay between her and I. She went back and told my dad EVERYTHING that I had told her. So I've never really felt comfortable talking to a therapist again but I'm scared it's going to effect my marriage and my relationship with my children one day (I personally dont have children yet but my husband has a little girl). I was molested when I was young (9-12) but for some reason even my high school years and even afterwards seem to be a blur. Is this from PTSD? If I sort through my issues will my memory get better? I don't want to live my life not being able to remember my past, its pretty scary. I'm ready to work through all of this instead of trying to keep it in the past. I hope you both were able to conquer it.
myturnnow
Hello again, I'm glad you wrote back. I cannot believe what your counsellor/therapist had done. Is she/he is registered they can get fired & possibly charged for what they have done. When you go to someone like that you go & expect to be treated with respect & not judged. Plus they are supose to keep things confidential & as far as I know they can only break that confidentialty if you threaten to hurt yourself or someone else.
So were you punished or something because of what you said to the person? My mom took me to a counsellor when I was about 12 & I couldn't tell her anything bout my step dad because she never left. My mom made sure she stayed & heard everything. Then when I'd say something she didn't like I'd be called a liar & blah blah blah.... So we didn't go back again.
The nice thing about counsellors now is you can choose who you want. If you don't like them, next! They do help I swear! I went to one for a long time & I wasn't sure what to think.
I prefered when she asked me questions instead of me just talking... I wasnt sure what to say & when! She made it easy to talk & once I talked about what happened it became clear to me that it wanst my fault what he did. He was a pedephile & molested me ... It was terrible but I am learning to deal with it. It does affect every part of you. It messed up my marriage because I was so mad @ anything all the time. & I was super emotional. But once I. Started to deal my marriage became so much better & happier.
I am still dealing with blurred & forgotten memories. I randomly remember things that I had blocked out. I think it'll always happen to us to be honest... Its just you have to learn how to control yourself when you are experiencing a flashback. Sometimes when I remember something I get really down & unhappy but it does pick up I promise.
I have also considered PTSD, & it is very high %'s when it comes to sexual abuse & going to a therapist would help determine if you have that or if its something else & how to treat it smile.gif I hope this helps & keep writing back smile.gif
marinewife88
I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. There's nothing worse than going to someone for help and then having it thrown back in your face with nowhere to turn. I can't remember if she was registered it was so long ago, but I know it wasn't right. I even went so far as to turning him in to social services with "evidence" (my dad had a shoe box that he cut a whole in and hid a video camera in my bathroom while I showered/bathed) and told them about it in front of him and he said I made it up and that I was just lying so that I could move in with my mother. The social worker didn't even try to investigate it further. There was more going on than that, but that was all I felt "comfortable" talking about. My husband recently told me that he feels like I'm a brick. Like I don't let anyone in completely (not bc I havent told him about my past, but bc I dont express my love for him). I've had SO MANY people tell me that and it was just a smack in the face because I've really tried to be open with him. I feel comfortable/myself with him more than anyone. He feels like I don't care about him because I don't show it so much. He's a great guy and I love him to death. I honestly don't know how to be open and I don't want it to ruin us because he really is an amazing guy. I never realized I was like that with him. I had no clue. I've never talked to him about my past. He knows vaguely but I've never given details. Hell, I've never given anyone details. I've kept this on my shoulders for 10 years. He and I agreed to start seeing a therapist. Part of me doesn't want to do it because I don't want to dig up the past, but I know that I need help because I have issues that I obviously don't recognize or know how to get through on my own.
marinewife88
Also I forgot to add that i was diagnosed with ptsd when i was 15. I thought it was something that would just go away over time. Is it possible to get rid of or do you have it the rest of your life?
lovethyselffirst
Interestingly, I have the polar opposite issue and completely recommended inpatient psychiatric treatment prior to reporting, but instead the family basically took this guy away in seclusion..please read

Im so conflicted and upset with the judicial system, that I am having a hard time coping and moving forward.
I was living with a 46 yo male who was attempting to get physical placement with us of his young girls, 4 and 6yo. We were headed to court on Monday, so discussing matters that weekend of potential allegations from the socalled unfit mother (based on his feedback and his family)

As I kept asking him what potentially may come up so I am not surprised and look like a fool...I was prepared for most anything but not what was disclosed...He decided, after 2 days to disclose to me that he sexually molested his stepdaughter (apparently from the ages of 11-14) and she is now 18 (Feb 2011)...I asked a series of questions and he was explicit.

Ive known him since highschool and was going out with his family weekly 'get togethers'...no, I don't drink alcohol nor do drugs, so no possibility of misinterpretation. I have an 8 yo daugther as well.

I was devastated, shocked, numb and became unglued thus our relationship broke and finally he left my home on Memorial day. On that day, he informed his sister (my so called friend) he couldn't live with me anymore bc I was controlling (actually, I was losing control)...and she proceeded to ask me questions in which I said it was about a 'deep dark secret'...she proceeds to ask me if it is about a 12 yo young girl (daughter of a woman he was dating 20 years ago) in which 'rumor' was that he was inappropriatate with her and his family told him to get away....so, I lost it..and informed her of this 'new victim' in which her response was not what one would expect, she said, "I need to protect my sons (15/12)....

His sister was sexually molested by her father/grandfather as well when she was 9-13.

The mother of this second victim also apparently was informed by her daughter approx 3-4 years ago and June 4, 2011...but, 'doesn't believe her'..WTF!...I never disclosed the information to this mother who texted me several times, almost validating this disclosure.

So...here is the issue...Ive reported this to authorities, his admission with details and child protective services bc of the 2 little girls..and because the 18 yo (who has dropped out of hs/allegedly doing drugs/has sexual relations with a 14yo boy, resulting in pregnancy with abortion in April 2011....but, she is not going to police 'thus no victim'...how is this logically possible based on the admittance/texts etc that police cannot ask the perpertrator

seems like probable cause to me?

Thoughts and suggestions?
and Im actually having a hard time 'letting this go and Im not the victim, just a victim of circumstances'
SugarBiscuit
I just want to tell you that I can relate. I was molested by my father as a child. Both of my parents were also physically and emotionally abusive, so I felt I could tell no one, and I didn't until I was in college. I became suicidal and saw a counselor. She was the first person I was ever honest with. I also was heavily drinking at the time to numb my feelings, and as a result went to rehab soon after. My counselor told me to be honest at rehab, and they would help me. I told my rehab counselor my story as well. She told me that it would remain confidential. At rehab they have a parent's day. On parents day my mother came running up to me screaming that I was a liar and told me that both counselors told her that my father molested me. She then attempted to attack me at rehab and was asked to leave.
My father was there as well, and since I felt the cat was out of the bag I attempted to confront him. He stated that the events never happened and that I am crazy. I have since moved out of state, and I have yet to see him since I moved. I recently got married and the thought of him giving me away made me vomit. I did not invite either of my parents, and if I had a choice, I would never see the again. However, that isn't possible for me because if I cut them off, which I have before, they tell the rest of my family that I am crazy and a bad daughter.
dawninfl
I am attempting to move away from my past and move on with my life. When I was about 9 years old, I was sexually abused by my father. He continued to abuse me until I was around sixteen. Both of my parents are alcoholics and have in the past been verbally abusive to my brother and me. As I got older, my father was mentally abusive to me and did horrible things that a father should not do to his children. However, I am now 35 years old, overweight, I am an over eater, I have no concept of what responsible spending habits are, I have had my bouts with using drugs (self-recovered), and I cringe at the thought of my fiancee touching me. I attempted years ago to see a counselor that started the session, okay tell me about you.....you were once a happy kid, now you are here, what happened.

When I was 22, I got pregnant and put the baby up for adoption because I could not struggle with a kid. I was barely making it on my own. Six months later, my brother's girlfriend gave birth to my neice. All the while, no one on my mom's side of the family knows that these two children even exisit, because of the precieved shame it would bring to the family.

Recently, I have noticed that when my parents come over to my house for a visit, that my dad is attempting to forge a "new" relationship with me; that I am not ready for. He says things like what no hug for your old dad. The only thing I can think of is "do you really think I want you touching me?" or "do you think I have forgotten about all those years of pain you caused me."

Anyway, I graduate from college with my A.A. in health care admin on October 1st. I am the first one on my dad's side of the family to go to college and finish. However, as much of an accomplishment that this is; I want to be able to move on with my life. I want to be able to have normal sex with my fiancee, I want to stop eating, start losing weight, and get out of debt. I realize that this all relativie some how. How do I get past this. I am indifferent to my father, I have a little bit of a relationship with my mother, and I am closer to my fiancee's parents than my own. How do I let go of the past?
linavi390
The past is past, our main is to look forward
sexynini
QUOTE (marinewife88 @ Apr 19 2011, 04:11 AM) *
Hi everyone!

I'm just going to jump into this by saying that I was molested by my father when I was a child. It went on from the time I was about 8 or 9 until I was 12. My dad remarried when I was about 10, and instead of helping me or protecting me, my stepmother was jealous of the "attention" my father showed me and always talked me down & wouldn't have anything to do with me. I finally told my mom that my dad "touched" me and she had me report everything to social services. I went to social services and talked to a social worker in front of my dad, and my dad denied everything. He told them that he touched me in a loving, "fatherly" way and that I was just reporting him because I wanted to move in with my mother. Nobody believed me but my mother. I've never actually sat down and talked to somebody about details of what he did, I try not to think about it but sometimes I'll get flashbacks, I even had one on my wedding night. There's alot of my childhood I don't even remember and I'm wondering if it's because I've tried to hard to block out the past? Ever since that happened to me I haven't sang or danced and I keep a guard up around everyone, including my husband. Every time I'm around my dad I just have the urge to hurt him. I want to let all of this go and put it in the past but I don't know what to do. Please help!

SuperTeams
The motivational poster sounds interesting, It strongly affect an individual.,
dofuskamas
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