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im so confused
ive been having some flash back memories of when i was a child
im terrified to admit it to anyone but i think i was sexual abused as a child
i remember being in the bathroom and a man came in and i wanted to pull my pants up cos i knew id get in trouble but i feel like i couldn't for some reason and i remember his finger nails and how square and short they where.
i have being having issues trying to make my self remember the whole incident.
i started having panic attacks when i was around 13 and every time it happens in a bathroom mostly if the bathroom is steamy. i also cant force my memory back to see who it was and what happened really. i know it makes me hyperventilate to try and i start feeling terrified and like i need to escape when i do

please help me i dont know what to do im 18 nearly 19 and this is starting to destroy me again i dont know if i want to remember it. my skin itchys and crawls when i try and i want to cry and punch some thing all at once , then my stomach hurts and im terrified.

last night i woke up in the middle of the night nearly crying in terror because i thought some one was in my room i know i was dreaming of something but i cant remember but that terror was real.

im not a big shareing person and i dont like telling people about my problems or person things but i really do need some help

is it worth remembering?
To answer your question it all depends on whether or not "you" need to remember to recover. Everybody is different some people need to remember other's don't. But what everyone needs to do is work through the feelings, the pain, the trauma. On that note I suggest you read "Waking the Tiger Healing Trauma" by Peter A. Levine. I think it would really help provide you with some insight into what happened to you and what IS happening to you now. I guarantee you'll come away from it with far a greater understanding of yourself. And you won't regret the time spent.

One of the things that book very clearly expresses repeatedly is that the feelings are the most important thing. When you try and force yourself to remember the "remembering" isn't really important the feelings that it causes are what's important. The feelings of terror, the need to escape, the hyperventilation. That is what's important and that's where you begin dealing with the abuse. For me I can't remember everything that happened to me but the feelings tell me what happened. And they're what I needed to deal with to feel good about my life and get stability. And if you need to remember the feelings are the only path to remembering. But you can't change the past so there's nothing you can do about what happened which is why you have to deal with it in the present with the present. And by "with the present" I mean with the emotions and feelings and symptoms that exist in the present. They're what you can change and deal with. So I hope that answers your question.

It isn't a matter of "thinking" you were sexually abused you were sexually abused whether or not you can remember it. Get rid of the doubt and accept/embrace that fact. It isn't easy to get rid of doubt but I do it by gaining a greater understanding of what's happening. And everything you said is very typical of sexual abuse and trauma and you admitted you could remember the beginning of sexual abuse and that's what you feel it was. So then I'm sure that's what it was I have no doubts. When you have no doubt it'll be alot easier to acknowledge, face and overcome what happened to you. As always professional therapy is a good suggestion especially considering your panic attacks.

Feel free to share more if you want. A big sharing person or not it helps alot to talk your problems out with someone so just decide whether or not you want to help yourself. I hope that little thought helps provide some motivation for therapy. smile.gif
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