Mar 17 2011, 07:39 PM
Hello I am in a struggle with myself about the things that a family friend did to me as a child between the ages of 7 and 15 it never led to actual sex. But still the things that this person did haunt me. Its affecting my marriage and the why I see myself I am growing tired of the nightmares the feelings of shame the feelings of anger and the feeling that I am worthless I want my spouse to understand but I don't think that they ever will because its never happend to them none aroud me understands so I feel alone and scared I'm scared to sleep at night I'm scared to be by myself and I am also making my spouse miserable I am accusing he/she of doing things that I know they would never do. But its because I feel dirty and woorthless I look at myself and find only flaws and they tell me I am beautiful but I don't see it I see ugly. How can someone love as ugly as I am? How could they love me when I am damaged ? How can I love myself? I am so miserible right now that it scares me I don't understand or no where to begin to heal and overcome. Will someone please help me.PLEASE!
Mar 18 2011, 07:01 PM
I'm sorry for everything that happened to you as a child. You don't need to feel alone, you're not, they're alot of people in the world who know how you feel and alot who feel the exact same way. This is an all too common situation so the answer to your problem is fairly easy. To heal and overcome you go to therapy. It dosn't matter if it was intercourse or not molestation is still sexual abuse. So. From what you've said you were sexually and emotionally abused as a child, traumatized, all very common in the field of therapy. You'll be able to find someone who understands you if you look hard enough and so long as you stick with it you'll begin healing. There's no magic solution no words that can change you and fix everything. To fix it it takes alot of work. To be happy it takes commitment. So tomorrow start looking for a therapist. That's how you really help yourself and set about changing your life for the better.
I get this feeling from you that your running away from yourself and have a really really hard time facing your problems. I get the feeling that the struggle isn't so much with the problems in the past your still struggling with just facing them. So start there. Face your problems nomatter how many times it takes just keep trying. I failed countless times, had setbacks, but you just never give up. Sooner or later I always came back to the desire to better my life because I hated being miserable because I hated what other people did to me and because I couldn't stand my life. It made me suicidal so it was obvious I literally couldn't stand it and survive. So you just never give up. You hold onto a dream of a better future and just keep trying for it again and again with everything you have. You use everything at your disposal to try and better your life and get through all the problems from the past. I fell alot of times back into a suicidal state but like I said there were two choices in that situation for me. Kill myself or keep trying to improve my life. I'm still here so evidently I kept choosing the latter everyday. And that's what it's about, making a choice everyday whether you want to live and improve your life or whether you don't.
Your questions of "How can someone love as ugly as I am? How could they love me when I am damaged ? How can I love myself?" aren't exactly easy to answer because they aren't really questions either. For the first question you aren't ugly even though you feel that way. I understand that you feel that way but there will never be an answer to that question because there isn't a question. You aren't ugly so there really isn't a question I doubt you can understand that right now but one day you will. I guess the answer could simply be that you aren't ugly so therefore the question is irrelevent and the solution is to simply realize that you aren't ugly. For the second question again the question is a little irrelevent. Your not damaged beyond repair or damaged into something horrible. Your a person and probably a fairly good one. You make mistakes, your overwhelmed by the past, it's all normal. It's not that you aren't damaged but it's normal, TO BE!, damaged. It's not something horribly abnormal. Alot of people have alot of problems so it's normal to have problems... from there you work through them. Accusing your partner of doing things they'd never do is also normal as I said you were evidently traumatized in childhood. It's also one of the factors your having such a horrible time facing your problems. But to really help yourself it isn't about answering these questions it's about changing the way you look at yourself and your life. For example you aren't ugly and being damaged dosn't make you're a horrible person it's apart of being normal. And if a person can't care about you and help you through it they don't really deserve you. Your third question is the only one that actually has an answer. You love yourself by improving self confidence, self esteem and by working through all the problems in the past. You go to therapy and start working on it and slowly you'll build that love for yourself.
Aside from therapy there are a few other things that would really help you with your current feelings. The first is to stop putting yourself down. It's amazing how "right" it always felt to me to put myself down but it only hurts you and if you can stop it and start complimenting yourself you'll find everything alot easier. It felt horribly wrong to me to actually compliment myself or think that in any way I was a worthwhile person. I mean it felt horribly horribly wrong to tell myself I was worthwhile. But that's a case of where my feelings were leading me in the wrong direction. Whatever your feelings tell you it's the right thing to tell yourself your worthwhile and to compliment your good parts, it's the right thing to believe you can be a great and happy person. You also need to unload some of your burden. Talking with other people, especially going to see a therapist and begin working through everything, would really help you deal with your feelings of being overwhelmed. So I encourage you to talk to your partner. Slowly talk to them and perhaps ask them for help they can offer, such as regular hugs or words of encouragement whatever would really help you. It's not like they could ever solve your problems for you but your partner can definently help make it easier by being there for you and listening and offering words of encouragement. Your just so overwhelmed right now you have to unload some of it somehow. Talking with your partner and getting a therapist are the best ways. Another thing that works for me is taking a deep breath in and then shaking my entire body as I let it out and just imagine that I'm shaking my problems off of me and letting them go. After doing that a few times and smiling I feel a bit better. And smiling is another really important thing smile as much as you can and things will also get easier. I know it's really hard to find anything to smile at at times but I'm sure there's a few things you enjoy in life. If there wasn't you'd be suicidal by now. So find them and enjoy them, put some of the weight on them. And just do what you need to do to better your life. Get therapy, start exploring your past, your feelings, your present. And start correcting all of the problems all the abuse you went through caused. There's no other way to improve your life other than through time, commitment and hard work. So first also figure out if you can commit to bettering your life and if not figure out why and work through it until you can make that commitment and understand why you make it and want it. Like I said I had to keep making the commitment again and again making it once isn't enough. You have to be able to make it again and again because it seems like everyday you just keep getting assaulted by the same feelings that overwhelm you and make it so you don't want to have a better life. And even though those feelings come again and again you just have to keep making the same commitment to better your life every damn time. I hope that helps. You can definently get through everything that happened to you and have a happy life. It takes work but you can definently do it and it will definently be worthwhile I promise! The little things I learnt to enjoy everyday really helped make it worthwhile for me. Pay attention to the little things and be patient and you'll fall in love with your life too.