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I was abused when I was younger by my older brother's even older friend. I can't remember much. I only remember one time it happened, but know it happened more than once because I can remember wondering if he was going to do it again. I thought I had worked through this, but I recently just remembered another fact about that incident that scared me. I don't want this to happen again, because now I can't sleep or smile much again, which happened before when I first remembered what happened. Does anyone know how to get back repressed memories? Or even sympathise with me, because it is so frustrating not to remember such an important time.

On another topic, it left me not being able to connect with people. I have friends, but they don't know much about me because I won't tell them. When I talk to people, I freeze up and stutter. So, although I'm in counseling, it does little help because i can't talk to her. I want to, but when I do I get light headed and find I can't control what I'm saying. Then I can't remember happened in the sessions. I often block out bad or stressful memories. Can someone please give me advice? I'm getting desprit, and this is the only way I can talk to people. even if it's just someone to talk to through messages or something, I'd be grateful.
I too can relate to what you are saying. I find it very difficult to talk to people about what happend to me as a child because I remember everything that happend to me as far as the abuse goes, but everything else is blacked out for some reason. I have a really hard time showing my true emotions to people even though they have done nothing to hurt me.

I think finding this site and people who have experienced the same things as been very helpful to me because I can talk about how I feel and not be judged by them or feel embrassed. Because for so long I blamed myself for everything that happend to me as a child, and I still do sometimes. Had I just told someone back then I would not have to worry about it to this day. But was always afraid of how people would look at me, and most of all I was afraid of what he would do to me. I just recently told my family everything and how long it went on, because the day was coming and he was getting out of prison and I knew that he would be close by. And they had to know why I did not want to have any contact with him because for years they would ask me why I never wrote him or they would try to get me to talk to him on the phone when he called during holidays and if I was there. Well finally they had to know. My mother was in complete shock because she never knew that it went on for so long and that it was that bad. She totally understands my haterd towards him and now blames her self because she never saw any of the signs. I tell her that it was not her fault. She said that she is sorry that she has pushed me for so long to have some sort of contact with him, and now will never say anything. But at the same time her and my sister still visit him and this really bothers me because if it was that important as to what he did to me they would not want to see him just like me. But I will not tell them who they can and can not see they are adults.

But I guess what I am trying to say is that when I find myself having to talk about this to anyone such as my boyfriend I get very angry because it is really the last thing I want to bring up in conversation. But everyone always says you can't begin to heal until you have talked and gotten all of it out. So that is why I found this ste because I think this is easier for me rather than talking to someone face to face. Also helps because these people have been through what I have been through. Contact me and we can talk to each other together.
I have no idea how to get repressed memories back. I know they're commonly repressed because our emotions are overwhelmed and the memories are traumatic for us thus we dissociate from them to protect ourselves. You have to remember that the reason you don't remember is because your trying to protect yourself. It's nothing to do with us or any failings we have it's our bodies natural and innate attempts to protect itself. I know it can be frustrating and kind of backfire in the regard that it ends up hurting rather than helping because we can't remember. But that's the reason it happens. And one way to re-discover them is to explore the emotions and use them as a link to that time to recover the memories. But a really good therapist is your best course of action. I personally have no experience with repressed memories. I mean I have them; I can't remember the majority of my childhood and I know painful things have happened to me that I can't remember. But I have no desire to bring them back. Everyone is different though maybe you need to bring them back for yourself. But that isn't something your going to be able to do easily, alone, or at this time so don't focus on it. First you need to begin dealing with some of your current problems such as freezing up so you can effectively interact with a really good therapist who can help walk you through remember your past.

As for freezing up and light headedness, not being able to control yourself, that I do have experience with. And you get around it exactly like you have already. Anyway that you can. You've found that you can get around it through messages so capitalize on that. Give yourself time to think and let yourself be in a controlled situation when you respond. My easiest time was through messages as well. So long as the contact wasn't face to face or where I couldn't hear their voice or prefferably wasn't even real time it let me remain in control otherwise I'd just fall apart. So I know you said you had a counsellor but you need a therapist so get a therapist, a really good one your comfortable with and genuinely feel can help you and then write them a message if that's your only way to talk to them. Build on that method and eventually you'll come to a time when you can begin to talk to them face to face and move on from there. It's hard but as soon as you can begin to control yourself in face to face conversation you'll get better at it everytime you talk to someone.

I also found exploring my emotions, feelings, problems on my own and talking about them with myself was really helpful. Because there was a time when I was the only person I could interact with to help myself. Everytime I even thought about therapy little own asking someone for help I had a panic attack. I never had much luck asking people for help. I asked my parents once but their response, the last one they gave when I reached out to them when I was first suicidal, kind of traumatized me. Not necessarily the words used but rather the actions that they didn't want to help that they abandoned me and I honestly couldn't handle that again so since I couldn't handle it again and my body knew it I froze up everytime I thought about it. Yes it'd of helped if I could have gotten help earlier. I'd of had more of my life to enjoy. But it wasn't that I needed to go to therapy and get help; it wasn't that I needed to force myself to do that. I needed to be ready to accept help because the reason I froze up is because I couldn't. I wasn't ready for help even though I needed it and wanted it and to get it I really needed to be ready for it. I was still stuck in the past and wasn't ready to move on. I think that all applies to you to. You don't need to find a way to force yourself to therapy you need to find a way to be ready for help. So why aren't you ready for help. What issues complicate matters for you?

For me the majority of it was trust issues, abandonment issues, and an extremely intense fear. The fear is different for everyone. I think one of the main reasons I was so afraid is because that time I was rejected by my parents I went suicidal so the way I took it is that it was life threatening if I asked for help and someone turned me down because that's what happened. I asked for help, was rejected, and my life was threatened as a result. I was mainly afraid of being hurt. Irrational perhaps. But it is normal and it was the way I was so I couldn't reject it I had to accept it and deal with it.

I would also suggest a good starting place is to read the book "Waking the Tiger Healing Trauma" by Peter A. Levine. It's a good pioneering book on dealing with trauma. And that's the reason you freeeze up. Because your traumatized and freezing up is completely normal. While it is a problem you also have to understand that it's a normal response the body has.

If you want to talk more I'm here. smile.gif
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