I am looking for some one to relate with and try and help one another with the aftermath of incest as a child. I am 21 male, and I was molest by my bro from age 5-10 he is 4 years older than me. But he was molested by our dad from 0-13. And then my dad molested me along with many other men from 14-16. At 16 I was put in my state mental hospital for 1 year. I was suicidal, and I wanted to murder my dad, I was willing to go to prison if I got caught. But through the year I was humbled and helped through all the anger, hate, saddness, and self hate. The hospital allowed me to control my anger, and that there is a reason to live, that there is hope, no matter how little it is. Since I was 8yrs old I became addicted to porn. By 10 I became addicted to child porn, there was a couple times I got caught by my mom, but I told her id stop doing it. Well she found out about the abuse when I went to the hospital, because I told her about every single sexual thing iv done no matter how taboo it was. My dad really did and showed me things that are super crazy. So over the years iv carried the cp addiction with me. Every time id quit and start back again my collection would get bigger and more hardcore as I got older. It wasnt until 16 when I really wanted to try and change, but there was still apart of me that still really liked it. Iv had a good relationship with God until about 14 when I started doubting it. Asking why why why. So when I was 18 I totally lost all touch with Christ. 18-20 were my darkest years in porn, and in self sex. When I was at my bros I found out that any kind of vid you can think of can be found on limewire so I looked up cp and found hundreds of hardcore vids, I got deep in it, and I started thinking and obcessing over crazy taboo wicked things. I knew that If i didnt get help id hurt LOTS of ppl, and end of in prison for life, or killed, so I went to a bible boot camp knowing that it was my only hope. And I found Jesus Christ like iv never have before, iv been relieved from so much, iv forgiven my bro and my dad, I pray to God every day and try to read the bible everyday. Iv felt God, seen god, and heard from God. This is what God spoke to me right before I left Bethel colony of mercy a month ago, "What you felt for all the things you were doing is not worth it, if you go back to these things it will be very terrible!"
since a week before i left bethel to now I have not entertained any bad thoughts, and im doing way better on masturbating, but I still get triggers, and temptation, and sometimes flashbacks, and about 3 times to once a week ill have really bad dreams. I have ordered 3 books about how to overcome abuse. And I have a joy in me that I could only get from Christ, I wish to be penpals with similar ppl who share the same past. Thanks for reading! Justin