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In the past couple years my life has changed dramatically. Every relationship I've been in has ended because of me. Either from me being not ready, wanting to mess around more, being to young, or dating the wrong guys. Some how it has always been my fault. (Hopefully no judgement will be past) I am a HIV+ gay male. I recently found this out a year ago. Well the HIV part, I've known my whole life that I have been gay. I moved away from all my family and friends to be with a guy in another state. Older guy, seemed to be great and could probably help me get places. Well that didn't work out because I had starting partying a lot and wanting to find other mates to have fun with. So I spent days on end looking for sex and drinking my life away. Thats how I got HIV. Just not caring. Those guys gave me some attention I've never felt before and I thought it was right. I didn't have anyone in my life to smack me and tell me how stupid I was acting. I recently moved from there back home to an old friends house(where I live now and hate). These great people gave me a roof over my head and sometimes food in my stomach, worked with me til I got a job and dont charge me much for rent, how do I think them. Being rude because they are annoying and loud in my eyes. I feel something is very wrong with me. I met a pretty awesome guy here, and now messing it up with him. The issue this time is that he gives me everything and I'm still not happy. Not materials everything, but with love and caring. The sweetest guy ever and I found myself last night telling him that I wasn't ready in a cruel way. Making him feel useless in the sex department and me wanting something else. I am a guy and honestly I think with the wrong head. I think that I am addicted to sex, I think I am depressed, and I think im OCD. Why? Well I can spend the whole day on the computer looking for something better and find nothing that I want or can have. I can lie in bed all day, skipping meals and hygiene wishing I could cry my life away. I take control over my mind and convince myself that something good is wrong. For some reason I can't seem to get myself the help I need because I feel like I have to have time and money to get help. I hope someone can read this and understand me and explain to me what is wrong with my mind. Im all over the place, call into work today because im afraid to face the world. Didn't sleep good last night because im selfish and naive and about to lose the greatest guy that has stepped into my life. We were about to move in with each other and start a happy life, and not even two days later im telling him im not sure if that is what I want. Wants have got me so distracted that I don't even think about what good others have done for me and what they have helped me accomplish. Is there some help that I could get? Is there some person out there that could put me on the track to a healthier mind? I just don't know what to do, day after day. I don't really care much for where I live now? I live in the south and it's full of everything im not. Im not religious, im not narrow-minded(am I?), im not into other peoples lives. I feel this area has nothing for me because it doesn't offer public transit, or an interior design school. Is that wrong to dislike a place because of the people and what the area has to offer. My family and friends live here and they are happy, why can't I be happy here too! Just anyone reading this, help me understand myself, PLZ!
I'm sorry. I doubt anyone here is a professional therapist, and even if one was they wouldn't be able to diagnose you without alot more knowledge and time. So that's my suggestion, time and money don't matter. There is nothing more important than mental well being no price can be put on it. So start talking to therapists, lots of different doctors and people and find out where you should go. Unless there is some mental, emotional, sparks to your actions. Trauma from childhood or somewhere in life, drugs etc. You didn't mention any so if there wasn't then that just leaves biological, bipolar for example. So just see a few doctors and start working through this. You don't have much choice your in emotional chaos it appears thus the risk for depression and suicide are quite high. So the best thing to do is get professional help. So what do you think? Are there any obstacles stopping you from getting professional help? What are they, how can you overcome them?

As for not liking where you are. No, there's nothing wrong with it. Different people like different things. Why would you think you had to be like them?(irrational from stress, or simply wrongly learned perception?) The truth is I really like the city I live in now it has everything I need. There's lots of cities that don't. And my needs change over time so I doubt I'll stay here forever. But the healthiest thing to do mentally is try to look for the best in your current situation. Don't long for the things you don't have to the point your miserable, instead, make the best of what you do. Go after what you want but don't let the lack of it make you take what you already have for granted.

As for the guy however good he is to you I suggest breaking it off and becoming friends at the very most you have alot of other bigger issues to deal with and you are not ready for a relationship right now. You said that yourself. So get out of them and stay out of them until your in a stable and healthy environment then go back to relationships and try and find the best guy possible.

Why are you afraid to face life to the point you call in sick? Is it really fear, panic attacks, anxiety? Or is it just dis-interest, lack of motivation, like depression? Or perhaps both, since you mentioned you could lie in bed all day too. If so the best thing to do is try and figure out why, try and establish control and if you fail ask why you did thus discovering why you feel the way you do. You may not like it but life is sometimes about doing the things you have to do whether or not you want to. Things like getting professional help and going to work, standing up to your problems. It's about making a choice and commitment for a better life and striving towards it. And everytime you fall you wait get up when you can and then make it again.

As for jumping all over the place, all the chaos, you can't identify the reason so you need professional help to do it. Again seek professional help as soon as possible.
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