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I was 5 years old when I was molested by my fathers brother, my mom had just had my sister and she had hemorrhaged. My dad had to work and my grandma was working at the time and somehow I ended up with his brother, this man was into drugs, drinking and had anger issues and I recently learned he had touched a girl innapopriatly (sp?) before yet my parents still left me with him.

The cops were called when my parents found out what happened but no charges were ever filed, the cops felt I was to young and there was no actual proof, from what I was told he just had me play with his thing and I do remember this and I remember putting some kind of lotion or cream on it, I had remembered other things but I tried so hard to put it out of my mind I have forgot about the other things. My parents claimed they did not do anything more because of what the police said and they wanted to keep the peace with my grandparents who did not believe me. I remember growing up with my dads brother coming around like nothing happened, being young I did not understand but as I got older I started understanding more and getting filled with so many emotions such as anger, hatred, sadness, betrayal, getting these flashbacks,etc. In the past few years it has got even worse. At 16 I started sleeping around, I had slept with like 20 guys in only a few months and ended up pregnant. I am now a single parent and go figure the man I got pregnant by turned out to be a molester, he was 19 sleeping with girls as young as 14. After having my son I stopped sleeping around and got into serious relationships and have been doing good with this.

I think after moving to another state in 2008 everything kind of got worse , I started being around my parents and grandmother more and no longer had my friends to be around and go out with. I was barely around my family due to blaming them and having so much hate towards them. Since moving here and being near them all the time I find myself kind of taking myself from the real world and putting myself in my own little world and always being on the computer or watching tv and that is not me , I have always been one to be out having fun and hating being inside on the computer or watching TV. I have found myself being messy, I use to be a neat freak and being organized where now I do not care about mess..I had lived with my then boyfriend from August up until a week ago and while living with him I was still having major problems but not as major as living with my parents, since moving back in with my parents a week ago things have went back to being really really bad. Today I spent 20 minutes in the shower crying, I do not know why but everything usually comes to me in the shower and I just start crying, it is just like some kind of attack or something. My ex came to get me and my son to go to the park and I was in a bad mood and put him into a bad mood, I spent my time at the park just sitting around while he played with my son. I told my ex I was just frustrated because I could not find my hairspray, did not have make up, etc but the truth was I had just spent 20 minutes in the shower crying over everything that happened to me

I am looking back at things and keep asking myself how the heck you continue to allow a person who molested your child around them? How do you not fight to put that person in jail? How do you compare a person to the person who abused them? How do you leave your child with someone whom you new had did something like this before? All these questions are just ripping me apart inside and yes my mom did actually compare me to him once. It was when my son was like a year old and I wanted to move out my mom flipped out and said I was so much like my dads brother , that REALLY hurt me and I could never understand why she even would say such a thing. The man was a molester, a drug addict, an alcoholic , etc. I have never done drugs and do not drink.

About two weeks ago a fight broke out between my dad and grandma and they brought up what happened to me, my grandma said it was my parents fault and I just wanted to scream it was all there fault and I freaking hated them all. My parents want to bring up the past and how bad my dads brother was and how wrong he was for what he did but at the same time they allowed him around all the time, heck my dad even got him a job where he worked. My parents mildest well of shook his freaking hand and said hey it was totally okay that you molested our daughter.

I have got so many problems from what happened to me. I have a 6 year old that I can not seem to even truly care about no matter how hard I try, I hate saying I love you to anyone, including my son. I can not even have an orgasm unless I am fantasizing about being raped and there are alot of times I think about being raped and I wish I could just freaking stop everything, all the flashbacks, the fantasies, I wish I could love my son and I wish I could just tell my family how I felt but I cant, heck if I told my family my mom would probably tell me to get the heck over it. My sons doctor realized I had postpartum depression and said I should get help and my mom did not want to hear any of it so I never got any help. I have huge self esteem issues, I hate the way I look, hate my weight and I read that being molested can cause self esteem issues

I just want this all to stop and to be a normal person. I wish I could just end my thinking like there was some kind of freaking off switch

Too true; they might as well of shaken his hand and said great job. Alot of people feel the way you do. That all we want is to be normal and we wish there was some magic switch, one thing, that could be done to fix everything to just either permanently bury our problems where they couldn't hurt or just make them disappear in another way. But there isn't. As you said you have alot of problems... and each problem has to be fixed one by one by standing up to them and confronting them. The easiest and best thing to do is set up an appointment with a therapist who has experience with childhood sexual abuse, who your really comfortable with and like, and take it from there.

As for the questions that are tearing you apart. Some people are assholes and some people are, simply, quite stupid. Parent's are people and we want good ones, deserve good ones, but alot of us get stuck with bad ones that's just reality. What can honestly be said? My parents sucked. I wish I had had better. But you get up and move on because eventually you get to a point in your life where while you might still want them you realize you no longer need them. And you don't need them anymore. Your an adult now and taking responsibility for your life taking ownership of it is one of those steps. There's no justification for their actions, no reason behind them other than they are simply wrong and made bad choices. They care about you, but they don't do it well enough or in the way you want to, so you should confront them about it and see what happens. I know my parents care about me for example, so long as I'm the doormat to their house and in absolutely no way myself they'll feed and shelter me. So they do care. I just don't approve of their caring and, in my definition, it can't truely be defined as caring albeit I know in theirs it is. I imagine the reason your asking those questions is because your trying to figure them out, I used to ask similar questions all the time to try and figure my parents out and their actions. I kept trying to figure out how they could act like they did saying they care about me while it felt so very wrong to me. And the honesty is everyone has different definitions of caring, of love, of everything. And we make mistakes that hurt people... some care enough to change because they hurt people other's simply don't give a damn. Both our parents lean towards the latter. If you feel like you need to answer the questions, please, do, because then you can move onto the most important thing which is that it happened. Regardless of why it happened it did and it's really hurt you and it needs to be dealt with.

My best advice, aside from therapy which is absolutely the best, is to get away from your parents... get away from that environment and those people that hurt you. Stay out of relationships for a while and focus your energy on bettering your life and figuring out who you are. Confronting your problems and figuring out how to be a good parent and what kind of parent you want to be. And aside from that just stop burying everything... burying your feelings. Why do you? I used to do it to protect people because I knew if I shared them people would get hurt and would most definently hurt me back. That's how my parents are. They have the immature you hurt me so I have to hurt you attitude. So I was trying to protect people who didn't deserve my protecting. I was afraid of people who, quite simply, were bullies. Just put the fear aside put the desire to protect them aside or whatever your reasons are just put them aside and let your feelings out. Deal with them. You said you wanted to scream at them two weeks ago... I imagine you want to scream at them alot in your life. You should. You hate them for a reason, acknowledge that reason, approve of it. Only by acknowledging feelings, bringing them out, can you deal with them. Otherwise they just remain buried and apart of you forever; and hating people forever, is not healthy. That's why you should hate them for the moment, bring those feelings out and act on them, deal with them, and then once they're dealt with you can stop hating them and you'll be able to move on and it won't hurt you anymore. Don't surrender to the emotions just never stop working through them. And also with not burying things, when your ex asked you what was wrong. Don't bury the problems share them. If he dosn't help alright, if not at least with that little act you tried to reach out for help, and your actively striving to better your life then. And by acknowledging the problem rather than burying it you force yourself to work on it.

If you can't care about your son, ask why you can't? Could it, in part, be that your confused as to how to care about him as your parents weren't that good at caring about you? Or are you reluctant to because of depression and the strain caring about someone, really loving them, puts on your emotions? I imagine both play a part. But when it comes to showing your son you care about him just take it one step at a time. That's how depression works. You take it one step at a time with a firm grip of where your heading and slowly but surely getting where you want to go by overcoming the obstacles that present themselves and forcing yourself to move forward. Your strong enough to overcome your problems, to find motivation in your life again. You just have to take it step by step and get as much help as you can from people who WILL actually help you. It dosn't matter if your mom didn't care, she didn't care about her, so ignore her and care yourself, care about yourself and your son, and get the help you need. If you don't want to then it's just another obstacle to overcome, which you reveal by asking why don't you want to get help and change your life?

Good ways to combat depression besides figuring out why you feel it and confronting the problems and overcoming them. Is to force yourself to be active again, relieve some stress. Do things that you enjoy or find things that you enjoy, create, things that you enjoy that fill you up with happiness and lighten the weight of your burden for a while to allow yourself to rest. Eat healthy foods, exercise, re-direct your actions, words and thoughts positively into complimenting yourself whenever possible. Cry, sigh, take deep breaths and then when you let them out just physically shake yourself like your throwing off your problems. And smile. Those things really help with stress and will improve your mood whether you do them or not is up to you. And that's also simple reality, there's no magic way to convince yourself or make yourself do them it's just a simple choice of whether or not you want to better your life. A choice that you force yourself to make everyday and act towards fulfilling it.

I really hope that helps, best wishes! smile.gif I'm really sorry for everything that's happened to you.
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