I was 5 years old when I was molested by my fathers brother, my mom had just had my sister and she had hemorrhaged. My dad had to work and my grandma was working at the time and somehow I ended up with his brother, this man was into drugs, drinking and had anger issues and I recently learned he had touched a girl innapopriatly (sp?) before yet my parents still left me with him.
The cops were called when my parents found out what happened but no charges were ever filed, the cops felt I was to young and there was no actual proof, from what I was told he just had me play with his thing and I do remember this and I remember putting some kind of lotion or cream on it, I had remembered other things but I tried so hard to put it out of my mind I have forgot about the other things. My parents claimed they did not do anything more because of what the police said and they wanted to keep the peace with my grandparents who did not believe me. I remember growing up with my dads brother coming around like nothing happened, being young I did not understand but as I got older I started understanding more and getting filled with so many emotions such as anger, hatred, sadness, betrayal, getting these flashbacks,etc. In the past few years it has got even worse. At 16 I started sleeping around, I had slept with like 20 guys in only a few months and ended up pregnant. I am now a single parent and go figure the man I got pregnant by turned out to be a molester, he was 19 sleeping with girls as young as 14. After having my son I stopped sleeping around and got into serious relationships and have been doing good with this.
I think after moving to another state in 2008 everything kind of got worse , I started being around my parents and grandmother more and no longer had my friends to be around and go out with. I was barely around my family due to blaming them and having so much hate towards them. Since moving here and being near them all the time I find myself kind of taking myself from the real world and putting myself in my own little world and always being on the computer or watching tv and that is not me , I have always been one to be out having fun and hating being inside on the computer or watching TV. I have found myself being messy, I use to be a neat freak and being organized where now I do not care about mess..I had lived with my then boyfriend from August up until a week ago and while living with him I was still having major problems but not as major as living with my parents, since moving back in with my parents a week ago things have went back to being really really bad. Today I spent 20 minutes in the shower crying, I do not know why but everything usually comes to me in the shower and I just start crying, it is just like some kind of attack or something. My ex came to get me and my son to go to the park and I was in a bad mood and put him into a bad mood, I spent my time at the park just sitting around while he played with my son. I told my ex I was just frustrated because I could not find my hairspray, did not have make up, etc but the truth was I had just spent 20 minutes in the shower crying over everything that happened to me
I am looking back at things and keep asking myself how the heck you continue to allow a person who molested your child around them? How do you not fight to put that person in jail? How do you compare a person to the person who abused them? How do you leave your child with someone whom you new had did something like this before? All these questions are just ripping me apart inside and yes my mom did actually compare me to him once. It was when my son was like a year old and I wanted to move out my mom flipped out and said I was so much like my dads brother , that REALLY hurt me and I could never understand why she even would say such a thing. The man was a molester, a drug addict, an alcoholic , etc. I have never done drugs and do not drink.
About two weeks ago a fight broke out between my dad and grandma and they brought up what happened to me, my grandma said it was my parents fault and I just wanted to scream it was all there fault and I freaking hated them all. My parents want to bring up the past and how bad my dads brother was and how wrong he was for what he did but at the same time they allowed him around all the time, heck my dad even got him a job where he worked. My parents mildest well of shook his freaking hand and said hey it was totally okay that you molested our daughter.
I have got so many problems from what happened to me. I have a 6 year old that I can not seem to even truly care about no matter how hard I try, I hate saying I love you to anyone, including my son. I can not even have an orgasm unless I am fantasizing about being raped and there are alot of times I think about being raped and I wish I could just freaking stop everything, all the flashbacks, the fantasies, I wish I could love my son and I wish I could just tell my family how I felt but I cant, heck if I told my family my mom would probably tell me to get the heck over it. My sons doctor realized I had postpartum depression and said I should get help and my mom did not want to hear any of it so I never got any help. I have huge self esteem issues, I hate the way I look, hate my weight and I read that being molested can cause self esteem issues
I just want this all to stop and to be a normal person. I wish I could just end my thinking like there was some kind of freaking off switch