Jan 27 2011, 06:30 AM
I felt my boyfriend was hiding something from me. He quit his job and his motivation towards life is very negative an cynical. He is bipolar so I thought maybe he was going through a manic stage or that his meds need to be adjusted. He has known from the beginning of our relationship that I am against drugs. When he quit his job red flags started flying in my head. A mutual friend of ours came to me and told me he admitted to her that he had dabbed into coke when he would be in pain from working. This didn't make much sense to me because I didnt think coke was used for pain. Another friend told me he would be nodding off before work. It was no secret that my boyfriend "used to" use a lot in his early twenties. He has done almost every drug but meth. Him and many of his friends had told me when we met that he had been doing very well. To their knowledge the most he did was drink socially which wasn't often. When I heard about the nodding off and coke I did some research online. It sounded to me more like he had been doing Heroin. This completely scared me. I knew I had to confront him. I was crying because I was upset...I was calm as I could be tho. I told him he wasn't going to like what I had to talk to him about but Im doing it because Im concerned for him. I told him I had heard from people he admitted to using something and had been seen nodding off at work. When I told him this he was furious. He demanded to know who told me this and that was his only focus. I told him I wasn't going to tell him who said anything because he was being violent and obviously not being honest with me. I ended the phone call because I was at work at work at the time and crying. I had to collect myself. Because of being at work I text him. I told him that if he wasn't going to be honest I couldnt be with him any more. I told him I'm giving him this one chance to come forward. We had plans to be married. He was going to propose on Valentines Day. I told him if I were to find out later...marriage...kids...or not he would never see me again. I told him I'm giving him this chance because I want to help. He called me crying and told me he had relapsed a few months ago. He said he had used Heroin three times. I don't believe it was only three times. I had to keep everything together because I wanted to lose it. I wanted to scream at him for lying to me. I wanted to cry because I felt betrayed. I told him...Im glad you came clean to me. Here are my conditions tho. If you really want a future with me you need to get help and you need to be clean. I will not spend my life suffering. I told him I had heard that he was going to propose to me on Valentines Day, I told him I wouldn't be ready. I told him he needs to get the help he needs before we can commit to being together forever. I told him I will help him but one more lie and I will be gone forever. All of this happened yesterday. My emotions are all over the place. Im waking up this morning more mad than hurt like I was yesterday. A part of me doesn't want to give him this chance. A part of me says I should leave because I don't deserve this. The other part of me says..he is an addict and this is what addicts do. They lie and they lie WELL to have the best of both worlds as they slowly kill themselves. I don't know if what I said to him was right? I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. Please. Please. Advise me.
Jan 27 2011, 09:18 AM
Dear Natalie. . . sounds like you could use some education about addiction to help you decide what to do. I would suggest finding a Narc Anon group where you live and start going to meetings. (this is the drug abuse version of Al Anon for families of alcoholics) The people there will have first had experience with what you're going through and help you to figure out what the best thing is for you to do.
Jan 27 2011, 10:28 PM
Thank you for you reply....I don't even know where do I find out where a Narc Anon meeting would be held?
Jan 29 2011, 09:14 AM
Chaos is what typically happens when you bury emotions... they have a tendency to want out and to be dealt with. But anyway what you do is totally dependent on what you want. If you really want to build a relationship with him, marriage, then you've just stated he has to change because you will not marry the man you are currently with. That's a good choice for you, but it's important to remember you need to be with him for who he is not for who you think he is or who he might become. If you want to stay for who he might become, which is definently possible, then you'll need to help him get to rehab/therapy(physically help him, motivate him, not just tell him to go). And it'll likely take a long time to genuinely turn his life around. I get the feeling from him it's not a simple matter of stopping drugs, there's a reason why he uses them. Which is what will make it take a while. But at the end of it you may well get a man you want to marry. So whether or not you stay is all dependent on whether you think it's worth it or not. It's not a matter of whether or not you care about him or love him; you can love someone and care about them and still not have to tie your future to their own.
So on that note I think the best thing for you, and him, is to help him change his life around but to leave and move on with yours as well. To keep him as a close/good friend and help him and encourage him to continue improving his life. And then if and when he does and if you both are still available you can get together and enjoy each other as lovers again. And if not at least you will both have great lives that your enjoying. The distance is also important because he needs to genuinely want to turn his life around for himself. Keeping you is a starting point but the main reason for him seeking help needs to be to better his life and there are alot of reasons why he should do that and they all need to be developed over time. You can encourage their development but in the end it's his choice whether or not he values his life and future. Getting him to start valuing it is very important. Don't just leave him all of a sudden wait until he's started getting help has appointments set up and has gone to quite a few... and also having encouraged other reasons for him to keep going. Then talk to him about how you feel and that you aren't leaving because you don't care or don't think he'll become a wonderful man but, he's not ready for a relationship yet(he really needs to focus on his recovery) and you aren't ready for a relationship with him until he has turned his life around. Then keep that helpful, caring and loving hand in his life to encourage him to keep improving his life. Don't start taking responsibility for him and his recovery, just seek to help him get there and help him through it.
Mar 16 2011, 09:19 PM
Hi, why don't you give him a chance to prove to you that he wanted to change. addicts are good in lying that's true but if you don't give him a chance how would you know if he's telling the truth. i suggest stick on your first condition w/ him, if he did'nt do anything then it's time for you to make a decision. and don't forget to pray coz in him nothing is impossible. God bless you dear!
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