Jan 25 2011, 10:33 PM
My mom recently felt that I was old enough to hear about her sexual abuse. She was 9 years old when her 18 year old uncle (her mother's brother) started sexually abusing her. I won't go into any detail, but more than 40 years later, my grandma still won't admit that her brother did that to her oldest daughter. She continues to call my mom a liar. My mom refuses to be around her uncle, which is understandable, but my grandma thinks my mom is being dramatic. Recently, the abuser was visiting my grandma, and it caused all kinds of friction between my mom and grandma when my mom told my grandma she had no interest of ever being around her abuser. So my grandma and the abuser were talking, and it got around to him and my mom and what went on. The abuser admitted that the abuse did happen, but he didn't call it abuse, and he said my 9 year old mother was a willing participant in the sexual activity. And my grandma believed him. And she hasn't told my mom, my mom found out from her sister. This devastated my mom, and I can not believe my grandma is still not wanting to admit that anything happened. She thinks my mom willingly participated in the sexual abuse! My mom is one of the most wonderful people in the world, and I want to help her through this. So I need some advice on what to do, and how to help her. Thanks!
Jan 28 2011, 06:49 AM
wow, the lengths people will go to protect themselves eh?! i am somewhat in the same boat, except i was the one abused by my step dad and my mom still doesnt beleive me. she too thinks that i brought it on myself and that i asked for it... how does a 6yr old ask it? i shouldnt even know what sex is at that age! anyways... i also have caused difficulty in my family because of my moms disbeleif, my hole family beleives me but her and it hurts. what i suggest is to tell your mom that its ok and that she can get help. and its your family's loss not hers... although its hard to not be apart of your family sometimes but when youve had something like this happen its alot harder than people think. has your mom gone to counselling? like has she dealt with the abuse or has she blocked it out still? i hope things get better for you and your mom... she must love you soooo much to tell you that scary part of her life
tell her to stay strong
Jan 29 2011, 10:14 AM
I completely agree children can't ask for sex regardless of age that's why there are laws against it. Anyway "myturnnow" said everything I could think of. I just wanted to add after you encourage her to get therapy and counselling the best thing you can do, personally, is help her by being a wonderful daughter and telling her and showing her that you love and care about her. Hugs, talking(just random stuff, talking in general, it dosn't have to be about this), encouragment to do things that make her happy, telling her she's wonderful. Encouraging her to deal with the past and move on, protect herself by getting rid of the negative things in her life and stop letting her mother get to her as she's wrong and it's her choice to be wrong taking responsibility for her mother's choice will only hurt her and it dosn't have to so long as she has faith and trust in herself and who she is. She needs confidence in herself all around and by being apart of her life like I said and hugging and telling her she's wonderful your encouraging/fueling/creating that confidence in her and she really really needs that as it along with happiness helps to act as a barrier against negative influences. It's not your responsibility to fix the problem just try and help. Put a smile on her face and encourage her towards a better life. Leave the rest to her and therapy, don't for example try to change your grandma's mind. Do the rest and you'll be an amazingly wonderful daughter that everyone would be beyond lucky to have in their lives.
Also to "myturnnow". Someone suggested to me once to stop taking responsibility for other people's choices and actions. And so I have. When people don't like me or don't trust me, have respect for me etc, I accept that it's their choices and not mine. That I have no influence in it and thus cannot take responsibility for it. I don't get hurt that way. I think I know where your coming from because to be honest a part of me will always wish I had a father, but his choices not mine I won't take responsiiblity for them. Same for my mother, I will always wish she was there for me. But I won't let it hurt me that they chose otherwise; I've tried to change their minds, help them when they reach out to me, and show them that they're abusive but it dosn't work to help them and they don't believe me that they're abusive and it's not my fault. Apart of them will always see me as a worthless child because they don't know how to see me any differently and they are too resistant to change for any attempts to change that view to work. So I move past it, move on with my life, and don't let myself be held back by feelings of pain and longing for them to fix it. I just wanted to pass on that advice, in some way letting something hurt us always holds us back or is in some way detrimental to our lives... don't let it be.
Jan 29 2011, 05:38 PM
Wow, I feel really bad for your mom and can relate to her. I was molested by my fathers brother when I was 5 and it took my grandma until I was like 15 and hearing the story from me to actually believe it.
How can a 9 year old willingly participate in sex? They have no idea what it even is and even if your mom could understand it the uncle was a grown adult making it illegal to do anything sexual with your mom.
If I was your mom I do not think I would be talking to my mom anymore after that. It is one thing to not believe someone but to be told by the abuser that it actually happened and then sit there and try to defend the abuser that just takes it to a whole nother level
Feb 2 2011, 10:33 PM
I think staying beside her and believe her is most precious act that you can do right now. she is still lucky despite of the hardship that she gone through in the past because she have you. what's important is the present and the future.
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