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Full Version: What To Do:6 Year Old Stepson Abuses 2 Year Old Daughter :(
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Okay so, Im going to try to sum this up as short as possible. First off let me say that I myself was abused as a child, sexually, for many years. I do not have a relationship with my mother to this day because I told her about it and she didnt protect me, she is still with the man in fact.
So, present day, I am 26 with a 2 year old daughter. I have found the love of my life, a wonderful christain man, and we are supposed to be married in just 4 weeks. Everything was going great, until his 6 year old son came to visit this last weekend.
I was making dinner and the two kids were supposed to be playing in her room. They were so quiet so I went in there and they were in the closet. when i opened it his pants were down and he jerked them up really fast and she was on the floor and thought it was funny when i opened the door (she still has no idea he was trying to do something wrong). when i immediatly ask what is going on she says "were playing a bad game" he says "nothing". so i grabbed her out and just left the room, closing the door. i didnt know what to do at this first discovery, i was so upset i was shaking, but tried to stay calm because i knew i had to find out exactly what was going on.
I took her into the living room and she immediately thought she was in trouble. i explained to her she wasnt and she had to tell me what happened. she jsut kept saying they were playing a "bad game"..and then that he had told her not to tell her mommy because it was a bad game. she said she did not see or touch his "pee pee" which i believe because THANK GOD i DID stop it before it happened. but his pants were down and she didnt see it bc it was dark in the closet.
anyways, after talking to her and his dad got back home (i called him to come right home), we tried talking to the boy. he was upset. crying and i personally think he was only crying for his dads sympathy and bc he knew he was in big trouble. he eventually calmed down and answereed our questions. this is what he said:

*hes adament that he "made up" this game
*he used to play it with his other sister when they were 4 and 5 years old and they would "take turns doing things to each other"
*no adult has ever done that to him
*he doesnt know where he learned it other than he made up the game himself
*he "was going to touch her but couldnt get her dress off and then i came in before he could"
*had never done that before to her. (which i believe bc it was the only time he'd been alone with her)

So, I called the police, they gave me phone numbers of some councilling places, but that was it. HIs dad took him home so that things here could cool down, as emotions are still really high here. It was hard for his dad to take him home, as he only sees him every other weekend, but he knew he had to. I am obviously sick about this, as i feel that I didnt protect my daughter, i have always been so worried about finding a MAN for me that i could trust not to do that to her, that i didnt ever fathom a child doing it to her!
And now we are 2 days later, my fiance' and i dont know what to do. I am mad that he didnt punish him at all, no spanking, nothing. he wants to rationalize and make excuses for him such as "hes a kid" BUT at the same time he knows that normal "kids play" doesnt mean telling the other child "this is a bad game dont tell your mom". so idk what to do. im beside myself. i know ill never trust that boy around my duaghter again, and we already decided we will have to get him from now on when she is gone at her dads. so how could we ever be a family??? we have our whole wedding planned, and are very much in love and now this sad.gif it is truely a tragedy to our whole family. i pray someone has some advice for us! god bless
I'm really sorry to hear about your past and this situation. I may be forward to suggest it but for yourself I really suggest seeing a therapist for help dealing with all your negative feelings on your past. I know that if they aren't dealt with they'll come back to kick you in your ass the rest of your life such as they are now.

Anyway. I agree it's very difficult to become a family after this incident. I'm sure I don't need to encourage you to put off the wedding for at least a year or more. Definently not before this problem has been dealt with. It's unfair to your daughter to bring this family together before it has. And it's definently unfair to marry someone before you know if they'll be a good parent or not, I say that, because the parents(or guardians) are always partly responsible in cases like this. They either start it, create the environment for it to happen, or create the environment for it to continue. Each of the three is a negative influence on a child's life.

However difficult it may be... you make the family work through change. I really encourage you get his son to go for professional help. Counselling or therapy; it totally depends on what started it. Considering his age I am very concerned about him and what happened to him because there is no way he just "came up" with the game out of curiosity albeit that is likely the only reason he will be able recognize as behind it. Somewhere along the line his boundaries were screwed, whether through recieving or viewing physical or sexual abuse. You mentioned he used to play this game with his sister? Was she older or younger? The older is most commonly the one to instigate it which means if she was older he learnt from her and she is the one that would be able to reveal what started it. I doubt either of them would be able to recognize "consciously" what started it but that's the therapists repsonsibility to find out why by learning the events surrounding the time period when it started and with an experienced viewpoint figure out the likely causes. So please seek professional help for this as I really think therapy is what will be most effective

The best thing you and your fiance yourselves can do, aside from that professional help, is to simply sit down and talk to him. Make sure he knows he isn't going to be hurt and thus it will encourage him to be more open. Attempt to understand and figure out why the game started and where it comes from. From what you've said he sounds very open and this provides you with an amazing opportunity to talk and discuss the "game". Naturally you can't expect him to be an adult in the conversation but talking is still invaluable especially with children. After you try and figure out when and why the game started and you understand his thoughts/feelings then encourage them to change. Encourage him to ask questions which gets his mind working on changing as well. Apart of him knows this is wrong, but apart of him knows it's right, you need to build on the part that knows it's wrong to overcome and replace the part that knows it's right. Thus he'll come to accept and understand that it's wrong. Do this as soon as possible.

You can argue that he knows it's wrong if you want, after all he did hide it, so lots of people would argue that he already knows it's wrong and I get the feeling you would present that argument but I encourage you to think and move past that preconception. He won't understand why he hid it and yet why he still did it. Kids can't be expected to understand those type of things. But he did it because even while he knew it was, in part, wrong another part of him recognized that it was right and normal. He was taught this was right and he hasn't been taught yet that it's wrong. Children do what they are taught to do, what they are inspired to do, and sometimes they are taught and inspired to do the wrong thing even while knowing it's wrong. Which is why I say apart of him knows it's wrong but a greater part knows it's right. So do the right thing and accept that, don't hate him for being taught the wrong thing, teach him the right thing, and take it from there. Build on that part of him that knows it's wrong and encourage change in the part that thinks it's right. Again he won't consciously be able to acknowledge that a part of him thinks it's right thus it's your responsibility if you try and help him to find that part that thinks it's right and encourage change in it. And if you build a family build trust with him saying you'll never trust him again is really unfair because your treating him like he's an adult like he has a choice which he dosn't. Hate what taught him this.

I encourage you to take a step back and calm down. Get yourself under control and began thinking constructively rather than destructively. Deal with your anger. Both you and your fiance are right. He's right that his son is just a kid and your right that it's wrong and his son needs help learning it's very very wrong as does your daughter. But your initial response was destructive. You wanted him punished, understandable, since your angry and it was thus a decision made in anger. But spanking is physical abuse and I really encourage you to not abuse any child nomatter the reason. It is very hard to come up with a punishment, in anger, that isn't harmful to a child so deal with your anger, give it time, before you and he come up with a suitable punishment. There is a very fine line between punishment and abuse. The line is generally where it hurts someone. The line is between constructive and destructive. So when you two sit down make it a constructive punishment, like helping around the house or something it always depends on the child and what would benefit them most and yet still be an effective punishment. If you can't think of one thing combine several things, one mildly harmful punishment and the other constructive like taking away something he likes for a few days and having him help or do something else in some way. That may seem inadequate to you now in your anger but the point of positive punishment is construction. The objective is to reinforce that his actions are wrong yet while not hurting him, instead, while encouraging positive thoughts and actions within him. Talking with him is where all the construction takes place that is designed to deter his behavior and that is what's most important. But so too is the punishment so long as it's constructive. Having a constructive punishment follow will encourage very positive behaviors within him. It helps to construct his knowledge and response system to mistakes.

Also for his son's future his son needs more positive and constructive time with his father.(unless his father started the problem that is and there is any posibility or desire within his father to be a good parent) Getting played with, sharing time and interests with the feelings that his son actually "wants" to spend time with his father. It's not so much that he needs a role model but he needs a positive presence in his life that he can come to for help that he can look to for right from wrong that encourages his desires and interests and inspires the right ones. If this environment had been originally created the "game" would have never happened back when it started. As boundaries would have been established and been protected by a parent and thus they would have never been destroyed. The same applies to your daughter albeit she's very young right now. Just spend time with her as she grows up and construct that positive environment around her; be that positive encouraging influence in her life that she can lean on and come to and that inspires and pushes her to be happy and live her life. And things will be alright. Best wishes. smile.gif
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