Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Abused By Cousin In The Past, Now On A Destrusctive Path
Family Forums > Family Life And Health Forums > Abuse Recovery Help
vivian93
When i was younger i was sexually abused my my older cousin. I've only recently told a few people about it, and im slowly coming to terms with what happened. Up until recently I didn't know for certain if i was still a virgin, and i was to scared to find out. I decided to just have sex with one of my guys friends to make sure i wasn't a virgin. Turns out i was. In the time span of about a month I have had sex with two guys, and i wasn't in a relationship with either. It makes me feel like a slut because now all i want is sex. Its all i ever think about, talk about, dream about. I honestly dont know what to do. But i have decided to restrain from having sex with anyone until im in a committed relationship. The problem with that is, i give into temptation fairly easy and i dont know how long my decision to be abstinent will last.

If you have any advice, please let me know. I would love to hear from you smile.gif
Moonglow
Understanding why you want to have sex will help you in your decision to resist the urge because then you'll understand where the urge comes from and will be able to counter it. Willpower isn't something that some people are born with and other's aren't. Willpower is just knowing who you are and the strength of connections that hold us together, that hold us to who we are. Like your decision to wait until a commited relationship is apart of who you are. You can strenghten your connection to that choice by making it again everyday. That's what I originally did in regards to my life. I could never get the strength up to live my life or take ownership of it. I was just being consumed by depresison and suicidal tendencies and nothing ever changed they never stopped and I wasn't able to get away. But eventually I began to want to. So everyday I started asking myself two simple questions, every day I made two choices, "Do I want to live my life today?" "Yes I want to live my life today." "How?" Asking myself those questions and answering them everyday strengthened my connection to my choice to live. It may sound stupid asking yourself everyday if you want to wait to have sex but believe me it works.

If I may though your making a mistake. Don't abstain from sex until your in a commited relationship because you think it's out of control, get it under control, only abstain until you get it under control and then you'll be able to easily choose when you want to and when you don't. I say that because time dosn't change anything our choices and our actions change things. If you just abstain from sex until your in a commited relationship then it will come back to kick you in the ass as soon as that abstinence ends because all you did was bury the problem. The healthiest thing to do is deal with it; figure out why the urge exists and explore your thoughts on sex until you come to your own personal understanding of it and what it means to you.

For example to me sex is about making someone else helping, trying to make them happy, and in turn opening myself up to allow them to make me happy. To me it's only shared with someone I'm very close to and would like to live with, that tries to make me happy and that I want to make happy in return. That wants me to make them happy and who I want to make me happy. That's some of my understanding of sex but everyone has a different understanding, definition, and creating one is apart of growing up. And your at the age where you begin to develop your thoughts on it so just make sure you do. Don't let sex be something to fulfill a need let it be something to make you happy and that you genuinely desire.
vivian93
thank you so much for the advice.

I understand what your saying about me abstaining from sex is a mistake, i honestly just dont know what else to do. both of the guys ive been with didnt want a relationship at all, and even though i knew i wanted on i kept telling myself that ohh this could work out. Well it never did. So i feel the only thing to do is just take a break from guys and if someone happens to show up then ill see where that goes before i decide to anything.

and i will ask myself those questions i feel it could work smile.gif
temmett
QUOTE (vivian93 @ Jan 19 2011, 10:16 PM) *
When i was younger i was sexually abused my my older cousin. I've only recently told a few people about it, and im slowly coming to terms with what happened. Up until recently I didn't know for certain if i was still a virgin, and i was to scared to find out. I decided to just have sex with one of my guys friends to make sure i wasn't a virgin. Turns out i was. In the time span of about a month I have had sex with two guys, and i wasn't in a relationship with either. It makes me feel like a slut because now all i want is sex. Its all i ever think about, talk about, dream about. I honestly dont know what to do. But i have decided to restrain from having sex with anyone until im in a committed relationship. The problem with that is, i give into temptation fairly easy and i dont know how long my decision to be abstinent will last.

If you have any advice, please let me know. I would love to hear from you smile.gif


Well I have first hand experiece here, and years of councilling because of it! I was sexually abused by my mothers husband for years of my childhood. when i turned to a teen i used sex as a way to control the men i was with and somehow take the control back to me. i used it for years being very promiscuous. i am 26 years old now, and last year i contrated herpes and hpv because of the many sex partners i had. I relaly never thought that would happen to ME but it does and now that it did i find out that 1 in 3 ppl also have herpes, and its spreading fast. unfortunatly from my support group for that i have met many women that were also sexually abused as children. idk if there is a link to that, but i DO KNOW there is a link between abuse and promiscuity. SO the point of me telling you this is that you really need to seek help before you get too out of control dear. wheather it be a councilor, or a pastor, please go get some help! i will keep you in my prayers too
Moonglow
I don't think you quite got what I was trying to say earlier. Don't do something differently abstaining is the perfect choice and it shows excellent judgement; your completely right that you shouldn't give into your urges for sex. While time dosn't change anything itself it allows time for other things to change. What I was trying to say before is just don't bury the problem by abstaining until your in a commited relationship, rather, abstain from sex until you can figure out why you want it and then deal with all those feelings and problems surrounding the reason. Abstain until you get your desire under control. Control isn't about being able to choose when you have sex control is about understanding whether the desire in the moment is emotionally healthy or not and then being able to say yes or no as a result. So don't do anything differently, do more, abstain and work your feelings out. There is definently alot more to do than take a break from guys and wait for another to show up, and that is to deal with the problem so please do. Don't wait to see if someone else shows up and see where it goes, actively strive to make your life better because your smart you can learn from your past and make yourself a better life for the future by making choices. Make the choices that you want to have sex that is great for your life and dosn't hurt you; that you want to be able to understand when it's healthy and when it isn't and choose as a result. Those are the choices people really seeking happiness and contentment eventually come to make, your still young to make them, but hopefully they give you some thoughts.

As for the relationships that's another even more complex problem that I imagine you have alot of issues with. If you'd like to share them, please do. As for what you said if the knowledge comforts you relationships are meant to fail at your age. They're meant to fail so that we can see the mistakes made so that we can figure out where they went wrong and make better ones for the future. Don't look back on your past relationships with regret look back at them and learn to make your life better. They fail because we choose for them to fail because make the choice to strive for a better life. Apart of you, not the dominant part apparently, has made that choice and it's a really good one! I really encourage you to not only make that choice a reality but to make it a choice every part of you makes, make the choice to be happy. If you can make that choice then tell this yourself everyday too. "Don't settle for good push forward for better! Don't settle for life push forward for happiness! Don't settle for love push forward for magic!" That's what I tell myself. It may sound overdramatic and don't take it too literally to the point you can't be content with what you have. Acknowledge and enjoy what you have but always push forward for better and life will always be better than you imagined and you'll be happier than you ever imagined as a result. Because not only will you be happy with what you have but you'll be getting happier as the things around you just keep getting better.

And if you don't want to actively seek happiness I am concerned, I understand why because I for the longest time never did either so I understand not even being ABLE to want to be happy, but if you don't then ask yourself why you don't? Why dosn't every part of you want to be happy?

And as Temmett said if it feels like your out of control therapy is the best option. I read your other posts and it sounds like you were encouraged in that direction, especially to open up to your family. But I don't know if you ever did. I personally think you have the strength to work through this on your own, that you've already established you don't want to be promiscious firmly states that, but if you don't think you can do it alone there is no price too high for a better life. There are alot of people that forgo therapy and just live their lives miserably and loose something they will never get back as a result and that is, obviously, time. Personally I lost everything from the years in my past, all the moments of happiness I could have had in them, but I have everything to gain from the years in my future. So my point is don't wait until your 40, don't wait a year or a day to start living your life and striving for happiness. To stand up for yourself fearlessly against what frightens you.
ysabelle
Don't make your life mesirable. God has stored you a beautiful life if you will let it to happen. those things happened in the past will not be forgotten but it can live behind in the past and make a new start in the present.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.