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Full Version: Husband, New Baby And In-law's Debt!
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Hi! I wasn't sure if i should post this 'dilemma' under Marriage Issues or here, under "Family Budget Advice."

We are a young couple, just had our first baby and are now reduced to one income. I have recently 'taken over' the finances due to some irresponsible decisions my husband made in regards to 'credit cards'.

Now, his parents (who live in India) are disclosing the depth of their debt and are asking for help. I being the wife and manager of the finances am aware of just how stretched our budget is and am simultaneously aware of some 'anticipated' expenses we need to plan for NOW - not to mention that we are digging out of this debt still.

He is very emotionally drained over this because we are fighting about it and he just feels absolutely TORN. I don't know what to do. At the end of our argument(s), I said: Fine, we'll see what we have at the 'end of the month' and give that! (Mind you, in the last TWO months - November & December - I've been tracking our income & expenses and we've MET or EXCEEDED our budget.) Not a good sign that we can "give" freely to his parents.

I don't know. I'm exhausted over this. He 'hates' me because i'm the one saying, "No." I should ALSO add that we allot ourselves a personal allowance each paycheck - which we call the "no-questions-asked-money" and I feel he should give from HIS OWN personal allowance. I don't know. I am looking for kind words, prayers, advice, sympathy - - oh and MONEY! - lol. Just kidding. No humor in THIS fight!! sad.gif But, really, please help! Maybe ya'll need numbers to obejctively answer (as far as what our income, expenses are..) .. if so, please say so!!!
Well so long as you are managing your finances good that's all that's needed, not exact amounts. Some pointers though are never put anything on credit cards you don't have in the bank, always keep at least 5-6 thousand in the bank for emergencies, and tighten your budget so the only thing your paying for is mortgage, utilities, taxes, base food, and transportation to get to and from work. Also try and buy as much of your groceries on sale as possible, buy bulk as much as possible, and go to the store as few times as possible you should ideally only have to go once or at most twice a month. So long as your doing that your finances are as efficient as they are going to get. Anything beyond that is extra money. Anything beyond what you base need to survive and function in the day is extra money. When you use extra money never buy things new always buy used, never buy for full price always buy on sale it just takes experience and a good eye to be able to make good buying decisions. It definently sounds like you have extra money but I agree you should be using it to get yourself into a better financial position, building up savings, paying off debt. Even the "personal allowance" is going further than I would advice. When your finances are as stretched as mine have been in the past you learn to value every dollar and thus look to maximinize expenses in every area. I never allowed myself to use the "it isn't much" excuse. So long as all that is done you've maximized your finances and your getting all you can out of it and you have to look for more financial sources rather than different budgeting.

Depending how bad in debt his parents are they likely need alot more than you two could ever help. I can understand that your husband needs to try and figure out a way to help them so I'd give him a shot. Sit down with him and let him take the finances in hand and let him try and think and figure out a way to help them. Be there with him and give your own input and teach him about finances. How to manage them well. By end he should have been able to find no way to help them or have found a way that you two can agree on and he'll just have to be happy with that amount nomatter how small. If he can't find a way to help them you two can agree on and he can't be happy with that then he just simply needs to grow up. You can try and figure out why this is bugging him so much and try and help him, change his mind, gain a new perspective. But in the end it's simply growing up, gaining maturity and understanding of the situation your in and reality. If he wants more money to work with he should get a second job. I know plenty of people who work two full time jobs everyday. Some because they want the extra money and some because they have to, to support their kids. It's not easy to do but eventually there comes a time when you just have to step up because your an adult and you have responsibilities, kids who are depending on you.

Other options are you try and find a way to work from home or get another job as soon as possible. I also know even more families where both parents work full time but in a schedule that lets them be at home to take care of the kids at different times. For example he works mornings while you take care of the baby and you work evenings or nights while he takes care of the baby. I suggest this alternative to him working two jobs as it puts the strain on both of you then and it'll be, as a whole, easily to handle than if it was simply all on him.

It's unfair to simply tell him he can't help his parents, but it's also unfair for him to hurt your family in the attempt. You need to find an in between where your helping them or at least open to it but not hurting your family in the process. And make sure he see's that attitude in you that your willing and open to helping his parents, but, you simply have no money as a family to do it. It shifts the blame for the situation away from you and onto the lack of money which can be solved. Whereas if the blame is on you he'll simply keep being angry with you and it'll end in alot of arguments. So make sure you approach this situation with that attitude and everytime he wants to help his parents be open to it. When he offers a way to do it counter with why you can't and ask if he would like to sacrafice (whatever it is) to do it. If he says yes it dosn't mean you have to do it as a family but at least you'll gain more knowledge about him and perhaps be able to teach him even more about his responsibilities as a parent. Good luck.
In his family, the expectation is for him to help them. My suggestion is that you be willing to sacrifice time with him and step up and do more around house, yeah, I know you have baby... but in return, he needs to get a part-time second job for a few months and give that to his parents. You can take $10-15 extra toward gas off the top if things are that tight....

This way, you are being supportive of your husband, and he has set boundaries to how much he takes from your family. I would have him commit to x amount of time and send a letter letting his parents know exactly what to expect from him and for how long. You also will feel that he is the one that's stepping up this responsibility, and not that it's taking things FROM your own family. If it helps, he can commit to a few extra months past that to give the money to paying off something at home... just a thought.

Your husband is really in a huge dilemma. As a wife, no matter how stressful the situation is should support your husband in this trying time. Take time to talk about it and find solution to the your current financial situation.
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