Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: This Happened A L-o-n-g Time Ago...
Family Forums > Family Life And Health Forums > Abuse Recovery Help
Jo2202
Hi my name is Jo and I'm a 25yr old female.

About 10 years ago (when I was 15) I went away on holiday with my mum to Turkey.
We went to the same hotel in Turkey that we went to a few years before - we liked the area and the staff were all nice so why not, we thought.

The bartender who worked there was the hotel manager's son and he was around 10 years older than me - my mum and I went to the bar one night, but although I was too young to drink and had no ID to illustrate that point, that didn't seem to bother my mum that much and I ended up (kind of) tipsy.

At the time, I thought nothing of it, but the bartender kissed me (I'm talking full-on snogging) and then he came from behind the bar and took his private parts out. He then grabbed my hand and forced me to touch it.

Before long, me, my mum, and this guy were watching TV (they had cable TV in the bar area) and we were watching something quite innocuous to start with - which was nothing more than MTV videos.
But then the channel had been switched to pornography and then, without any of my mum's knowledge, this guy then put his hand under my skirt and asked me if I was still a virgin.

I said yes (which I honestly was...) and he then asked me if I would like him to take my virginity away.
I didn't answer at first, but luckily it didn't go any further even though he kept asking me if I wanted to sleep with him (that seemed to be his intention anyway)

The next day, he invited me to come up to some hotel room - he told me which number it was, but I never went. Nothing ever happened after this and we both flew back to the UK.

I'm currently with a guy now and we're both engaged - I've been with him for just over 6 years, and we do have foreplay together although we are both still virgins and have not had sex.
However, some times, he gets very affectionate with me and has a few fantasies of me doing certain things, but I feel awful because he feels I'm not attracted to him and I'm worried that what happened all those years ago is making me feel like this.
I don't know what more I can do as it happened whilst I was abroad and I have not spoken to anyone about this, but because it's happened such a long time ago, should I now hold it off? I feel like this is all my fault.

Thanks

Jo
Moonglow
Well it wasn't your fault it was just a drunken mistake. Stupid things happen when you get drunk you have to let them go and remember that it wasn't how you'd "normally" act. And it honestly dosn't sound like this was that bad. Yes it can have quite an extensive effect on you due to your young age at the time but compared to what it could be it's not that bad so don't be afraid to deal with it. And you did great back then, be proud, you didn't let it go to sex. Try and find a therapist to talk to and to help you work through any problems you're having.

As for the other. Why does he feel your not attracted to him? I mean it is because you don't want to have sex or are you unable to show affection, if you want any advice on it, what's going on?

And if what you meant was "should I hold off on the marriage?" then yes I would suggest that. At least until you understand yourself better and your fiance understand you better; he needs to know why you have reservations.
Someday
I am not here to argue with Moonglow, but whether or not it was a drunken mistake, this wasn't okay. I don't like the phrase "it doesn't sound like this was that bad." Your privacy was violated, physically and emotionally. Yes it could have been worse, but this incident can and did have severe effects, and therefore is a big deal. I agree with everything else, yes, be proud you got control back and didn't let it go any further. I also agree you need to be completely open with your fiance about your past, even though it is hard, he needs to understand in order for you to work through this. He is going to be your life partner, he's on your side, hon. I recommend you seek counseling by yourself and couples therapy as well so as you work through this, your fiance can help you move on and be comfortable, and he'll understand a little better what is going through your head when he feels unattractive. I hope you can sort this out soon, God bless.
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.