Dec 31 2010, 05:39 PM
Oh, geez, ive never gotten on these forums discussing this, but im drowning now. I'm very outgoing, travelled the world by myself, fiercely independant , people say i always smile.........
But the last 2 years i finally past through the years of denial and now this stuff is simply choking me and at this point i sometimes can't even get myself out of bed.
I was sexually abused by my dad from age 3 to 13, as well as 2 other family members for years.
Sick things, that is sucking the life out of me.
My dad use to beat my mom badly since i was little and ofcourse sexually abuse me. Where ever he'd get the opportunity. Whether he'd come into my room as a child, with a small flash light in the middle of the night, pull my pants down, i would pretend im sleeping, sometimes, i would wake up in the middle of it and find him busy touching me. It went on for years. He also peeped at me through the bathroom keyhole. im from South Africa, that's how our doors are, it has keyes and you can look through it. He would masturbate while looking at me. I caught him doing it to my mom many times, and when he saw me, we would both pretend it didnt happen. When i was 11 he broke my virgin with he's big disgusting fingers and when it happened, he was like, oh, Im sorry my darling. When i got older he went further and would actually lie on top of me naked, do everything except penetration. He would ejaculate on me while telling me how much he loved me. He performed oral sex and made me do it to him. The oral sex on him started when i was real young.
For years i thought there was nothing wrong with me, but now i have a rage inside me and some days, i think of just beating him and beating him. The WORST thing that is, when i was about 11 i was taking a bath with my aunt and she said: I hear your mom said your dad was looking at your vagina.............. I loooved my mom, she was very strict, and i got alot of spankings from her. Today i realized alot of that was abuse too. Slapping me through my face, sometimes infront of other people, even once when i was 17 infront of my boyfriend and out of town visitors. She once found a bottle hairspray, she didn't want me to use and beat me over the head, it looked like someone jumped on the can, it was so dent in. I was 16. I remember going to school that morning and i think something died in me that day. When i got older, we were closer, not so much teenage fighting, though i honestly wasn't a difficult teenager. Those were the bad days, there were good ones too.
What kills me today, Im 36 now, married no children, but a little dog that i cannot live without. I would take him outside a million times a day if he wants to play, just to see that puppydog smile on he's face. Which brings me back to my incident in the bathtub years ago.
She knew...... she knew. My mother knew these things happened to me, she still stayed married to him 2 years after that, they divorced when i was 13. And till this day, has not spoke about it, or asked me if i was ok, what happened and now at 36 Im starting to develop a rage against her as well, and i know my mom would be devastated if she knew the things running through my head. I have a dog, that i will love and protect against anything and anyone, and I feel my mother failed me........ she didnt get away from him when she found out, instead she ran to family members and no one did anything, but embarress me even more.
All my family lives in South Africa, im the only one that went off by myself. And know i feel like im stuck with all the bs that they caused in my life and i have never felt so bloody alone. I have not talked to anyone, and my husband is starting to think im lazy for not getting out of bed before 2pm, but i just cant. Its consuming my every thought, i dont go out anymore, it's new years eve, he's working and i have no desire to be with anyone but my dog.
Some days i have i think it's panic attacks, cause ive never had such craziness. Ill be by myself and just scream, cry , be enraged and physically choke on my tears like i can't breath.. im a picture of patheticness right now, but no one sees it, cause when people's around me, i still smile and joke with everyone.
Im a very successful artist, I paint, but its interfering with my work right now, i dont even know how i will keep up with my orders this year, as i cant get out of bed. When i do, i do nothing but smoke myself to death, and i also got addicted to pot over the years, which ive been smoking every day for 5 years. It use to help, but the last few months it just intensifies everything and make my thoughts more crazy.
Ive been thinking of getting help, but i feel so much shame and this is so tough, i dont even know where to start fixing myself. Ive had on and off contact with my dad over the years, but ive now finally said, your so done!!
I went to South Africa a year ago and had a lunch date with my dad. Believe it or not, but i was still looking forward to seeing him, pretty bazaar, he's rejected me so many times over the years, but i still wanted to have lunch with him. Well my brother and i waited for him at the restaurant 2 minutes from he's house, when he called and said: Im busy with work right now, not gonna make it........ i never heard from him for the rest of the 6weeks i was home. My normal reaction would have been: Forget him, he's not worth it!! But that was one of the straws that broke the camel's back. When i got back to America i couldn't have felt more worthless!!! And now all the years of denial has turned into a pain that i always thought i was invisible against, cause im so tough.......The extreme up and down days im having is just putting me out for the count, I realise i really need help, but im simply too scared to make that phonecall...........Sorry this is so long, hope someone could bear reading it all .......
Im in Sandy Springs GA. Any ideas where i can go where it's not too expensive. Im not a pill popper,so im really nervous of anti-depressants, but i need something - i dont know where i will be at the end of this year if i dont get serious help fast. Thanks for reading!
Jan 3 2011, 11:53 PM
You could Google Reiki practitioners in your area.
I experienced a soul retrieval session with a reiki master after all my molestation memories came to a head a few weeks ago, and it was the most amazing, freeing and revealing experience I have ever had. In Fact, you should call Colleen Benelli in Portland Oregon. She conducted our session over the phone, as I live in Washington. I'm telling you, it was still the most powerful experience in my existence. her website is www.Reikilifestyle.com
She is amazing!
I have learned to see my experience of being molested by a family member from age 6 to age 13, as an experience I recieved great growth from. You cannot grow and appreciate the brilliance of love's beauty without being exposed to the dark opposite side of experience. When we experience a depth of pain which we haven't known previously, we grow in our understanding of the depth and the beauty of the light!
It's like in the movie "fight club" when Brad pitt holds a gun up to a convenient store clerk's head and says "what did you want to do with your life?" The guy cries out "become a veterinarian!" Brad lets him go after making him promise that in two months when he comes to look the clerk up, he will find that clerk living out his dreams... Then he goes on to say thatthe clerk just had near-life experience, tomorrow the clerk will feel more alive than he ever has... the food will taste better, the sex will be better, the love will be more intense, the air will smell sweeter etc.... Think about it... he is RIGHT! after coming out of the darkness, the light is always so much brighter to us! We experience life as never before, once we understand our experiences as they are... a couple of little peices on the puzzle that is ourself. A Beautiful mosaic puzzle with infinite images.
Please dont define yourself by what these people did to you anymore! They can only be a part of you if you let them. See yourself for who and what you are: a beautiful child of God, who's light is as bright as everyone elses. It's the light of limitless possibility and you are the energy behind it!
I hope you call Colleen or another Reiki Practitioner in your area, so you can experience feeling whole again, the way I have. I hope you experience Having the weight of a million guilty thoughts taken off your chest. I pray you will fall in love with the beauty of who you really are, and smile everytime you look into your own reflection!
Jan 4 2011, 09:10 AM
The best thing you can do is just stop putting the blame on yourself. Children are results of their parents and childhoods. When you were a kid you didn't "think" molestation was right your father and mother taught you it was right. You weren't ever responsible for stopping him that was his responsibility that was your mother's responsibility. It wasn't your responsibility to know right from wrong it was there responsibility to teach it to you and they failed, you never did, you never made a mistake, they're the ones they made the mistakes. So don't resist your feelings of rage towards them or try and suppress it, embrace it, you have a right to be angry. You should be angry and only by accepting that can you gain control of it. You have a right to be mad and you have a right to hate them. I'm not saying fill your life with anger or hate, but only by accepting it's there and letting it be there and working through it can you get it out of your life. So accept it, feel it, feel that anger and guilt and rage and work through it. They're your feelings, your property, your in control of them but you can never just throw them away because they're apart of you whether you like it or not.
And don't feel guilt for anything you ever did. You never did anything to make your parents abuse you. So she didn't want you to use a bottle of hairspray that was her choice, to hit you was her choice, to spank you was her choice nomatter what you did. My parents... they didn't chose to just tell me no, they didn't chose to try and talk to me, to be good parents, they chose to be abusive. Your parents chose to not be good ones, they chose to be abusive. My parents always tried to make me believe that it was my fault, I imagine yours did too, and I believed them for a long time but that's the blunt honesty and that's the truth they couldn't accept. It was your mother's choice to not protect you, in all honesty she was likely too abused to be able to, but that dosn't mean you still didn't deserve it. You deserved to be protected, you deserved someone who would have stood up for you and divorced your father the instant he hurt you. It wasn't because you were worthless that your mother didn't protect you. You were never worthless. Your mother simply didn't so don't let that fact make you believe you aren't worthwhile. Don't let your father's actions make you believe that. If I ever have a daughter and my partner rapes her and takes advantage of her like your father did of you, the first steps of divorce are coming in hours... not days... not years. Because that's what every child deserves, that's what I deserve.
I know you feel guilty, ashamed, scared, I used to feel those things too. For guilt I discovered I never made a mistake, and you didn't either I already explained why. For ashamed I found pride in who I was and used that, you say your an amazing artist, and you sound like a great person who makes everyone around you really happy to just be in your presence. You should be proud of yourself for that, for who you are. I'm proud of you just for asking for help. Use that to overcome any shame of the past; your who you are now and nothing changes that. You can be ashamed of your past but never be ashamed of yourself. And you shouldn't be ashamed of your past, your parents should be ashamed, your past is gone, theirs no reason to let shame or any negative feelings for it ruin your life. As for scared, I just eventually realized that I was alot stronger than anyone gave me credit for. People just put me down and I believed them because no one ever said anything different. But I'm saying something different, you said something different, your strong and there will never come a moment when you can't take on the world so don't ever let a moment come when you don't want to. When you don't want to be happy, when you don't want to stand up for yourself. When you don't want to take on, anything, that hurts you. Because you will always be able to win if you do.
So don't be scared make that phone call and set up an appointment for help. Look for childhood abuse, childhood sexual abuse, therapists in your area or get refferals from other therapists. And just keep trying to find someone who is qualified to help you and who does when you see them. Therapy is always expensive but you are invaluable. I'm a scrooge but the one thing that I know can never be valued is anything for self improvement. Nomatter the price if it's going to help change your life, help make you happy, it's worth it that's what I learnt and the second your life changes you'll learn that too.
If you want to share anything else, please do, you are not alone. I really hope that helps because you definently deserve help. And also don't be afraid to show your husband your true face you need to show it to him. And if he dosn't want to help you then he dosn't deserve you in his life, that applies to any close friends too if they don't want to help you they don't deserve you. So since they already have you, ask for that help, because you already deserve it they already owe it. Best wishes.