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redbat6
Hi, i've been desperately searching the internet to come across some answers over what has been happening to me these past few weeks. My dad;s best friend moved in with us and we became close but it has never been in a way that i wanted anything sexual from him...long story short i fell asleep whilst watching a movie with him and woke up to him with his hand in my underwear and rubbing me (don't want to go into details but i'm sure you have an idea).

I was so shocked and scared i pretended to be asleep. He has been innapropriate with me since then...is this my fault? I'm scared of being alone with him around, and everyone loves him. What ami meant to do? I'm 19...i feel like i should've been adult enough to deal with confronting him and stopping him. Please help.

I'd also like to add he has told me of sexual behaviours that i seriously question and worry about, e.g. he enjoys physical pain as it arouses him. This worries me as he always tries to play fight with me despite me resisting. He also keeps texting me if he's not around saying he misses me and wants a hug. I really feel as if he might not even think he's doing anything wrong and that i have feelings for him... i've had experience of sexual harassment before at work and am starting to get concerned that it is my fault and i am giving these men the wrong idea sad.gif
Moonglow
When I was 19 I couldn't stand up for myself either. I just took it and wished I could stand up. The main reason was I didn't know how to stand up for myself. But why don't you? What's stopping you or what are you lacking?

It's not your fault. Victim's don't cause abuse the abusers do. You aren't doing anything to make these people sexually harass or assault you they do it by their own choice. And I noticed you never called it sexual assault but it is, which is a crime, which you can report to the police. There's not much they can do since it's your word against his but it's at least one way to react and it helps to put things into perspective. Your father's best friend is a criminal for example, interesting choice of friends to bring home. If you think your parents wouldn't approve of criminals I'd definently tell them. Which is a great step towards standing up for yourself, getting whatever you've been holding in out. Just sit them down and tell them, share/explore your feelings and lean on them for support if you can. You aren't helping anyone especially not yourself by keeping quiet, whatever the response you get back just get your feelings out anything is better than holding it in. And you deserve to get them out, you deserve to stand up for yourself and be happy. You just have to take the steps to do it, your strong enough to and it's your right to.

And yes you definently are giving these men the wrong idea by saying nothing or not directly confronting them your giving them the "yes, please rape me" response. The appropriate and most healthy response is a direct "no" or "stop" followed by the ever favorite punch to the face or knee to the nuts whichever you prefer. I suggest screaming first if your loud enough they'll have no chance to dodge. wink.gif jk
redbat6
Thankyou for writing back.

To answer your question about why i don't stand up for myself, well there are several reasons.

1) because i don't want to ruin a friendship of a lifetime between my father and him
2)i'm worried he'd project whatever feelings he's got towards me to my sisters if i were to say something
3)i know that whatever happens he'll be gone by february and maybe i can deal with it until then rather than upset everyone.
4) Well...like you say, i just don't know how or what to say. I feel like it's my fault and that he has honestly got an idea in his head i want this and i don't want to make accusations i can't fully prove
5) Lastly, i feel ashamed for this to be happening again after only recently getting over what happened and being able to stop it affecting my career and i almost don't want to face what's going on as it means having to go through it all over again.

I have experienced 2 other incidents of being harassed, this was in a professional enviroment and i did make clear to the men in thos circumstances i wasn't going to put up with it....it's just having experienced this before it makes me question what it is about me that has made it happen so often. Dealing with it at home is worse than at work because i feel i have noone to turn to since (as i've said before) everyone loves him and he became like part of the family. In all honesty, i feel more upset he has been able to act like nothing has happened and that he has taken advantage of me at a vulnerable time in my life. The details i won't go into but i have spoken to him about me as i did used to trust him.

I feel so lost and that there are so many complications stopping me from punching him or plain shouting at him. I will definitley try and find the courage to say something if he tries to do anything to me again. Thankyou for writing back, it really has helped me reflect back on what's been going on and how ridiculous it is of me to not stop him.
Moonglow
As you said it is ridiculous not to stop him. It's funny how the victims express that they're trying to protect other people, (your father's friendship and your sisters), when in reality we're only protecting the people who hurt us. You don't protect yourself by staying quiet nor anyone else. Your father's friend ruined the relationship between him and your father nothing you say can change that his actions ruined it. By staying quiet you lie. And lying or telling the truth don't change reality; lies deny it the truth acknowledges it. Standing up for yourself acknowledges it until then you simply project a fake reality around yourself.

This isn't a game where you have to take the hits and if you don't someone else does. If you want to protect your sisters show them how to protect themselves by protecting yourself; be a role model for them to look to. Let them know with your actions that it's alright to stand up for themselves and inspire the strength in them to overcome guilt or shame, fear, because you have that strength in you. You just have to let it out. Your a worthwhile person and you deserve to stand up for yourself it's your right to protect yourself by sharing your feelings, staying away from people that will hurt you.

If you don't want to get your parents involved then at least confront him, tell him that you know what happened when you fell asleep and your feelings that you never want him to touch you again and warn him if he does then your going to call the cops and report him for sexual assault. There's nothing to be ashamed of as it's not your fault. So use your strength to overcome that fear.

As to add some insight on why guys do this to you. The biggest part is guys it's their choice and their behavior so for that part it's bad coincidence and bad choices on your part if your actually choosing to surround yourself with these people, if you are, you should try and explore why you're attracted to this type of person. I used to be attracted to this type of person, and worse, because I simply didn't know what good people were. As for why they choose you that's simple it's because of your personality you come off as vulnerable someone who wouldn't stand up for yourself this is what attracts them. It's simple instinct you pick on the vulnerable ones not the ones that'll fight back. Be a person who always stands up for yourself, and these people will stay away because they're afraid of you. And you will be alot happier for it. smile.gif
redbat6
I confronted him 3 days ago. He was drunk, done it again. I got mad at him, he cried cos i cried...told me it wasn't my fault or his fault it was just because he'd been drinking even though i know he hadn't been drinking on pervious occasions. I've tried to be as normal around him as i can and finding it more difficult than ever and hit a brick wall today. I feel so confused. How can i love and hate someone so much at the same time? I just want to cry and shout at the top of my voice what he's done, instead i'm tryin gto act as if nothing has happened and getting #### from my parents for my body language being "so cold". #### it all. I've lost the one person i thought i could trust and that i could talk to about anything.
Moonglow
Well done! Confronting him was a step in the right direction. Unless he quits drinking and will never drink again his response was bs by the way; and it sounds like you know it was bs. So why are you trying so hard to be normal around this guy? I'm not surprised your confused you're trying to lie trying to deny reality confusion is the natural result. I mean you have reality, and you know what it is; and then there's the fake reality you're trying to create and your just getting torn between the two. So which one do you genuinely want? Do you want reality where this guy touched you, or do you want to run away from it into a fake one?

If you want the confusion to stop you just stop denying reality you accept it you tell the truth. In healthy reality when someone does something that makes you happy or hurt you react, you smile or you cry, you go towards them to get more of them in your life or you pull away and exclude them. You develop love for them or you never let them in your life again. Your trying to act normally but, normally, you need to react! You need to instead of burying it; deal with it, and stop letting it hurt your life.

When he does something to you, when anyone does something to you for good or bad react! Live your life. Slapping this guy yelling at him those are normal responses; less than normal when you get sexually assaulted actually. But they're still healthy and a start. It dosn't really matter what you do so long as you act "normally" by reacting how you genuinenly want to without all the clutter. Like you said cry and shout out what he's done. That sounds like a genuine uncluttered desire, so do it, it'll probably catch a few people off guard but it will be healthy for you. I can't really prove to you that what's healthy for you is good it's just a personal choice you'll have to eventually make whether you want to live a healthy, happy, life or not. So which life do you want?

You ask how can you love and hate someone so much at the same time? But do you even love or hate him at all? The reason you need to confront him outright for all the things he's done, for all the thoughts on your mind, is so that you'll be able to figure out exactly how you feel about him. You feel both "attraction" and hate because both were sparked in you. He was kind to you and then he was really horrible to you so both attraction and hate were sparked but now you don't know which one to really feel because you havn't confronted him yet. You havn't dealt with the two feelings yet to bring one to a close and the other into the light. And you do that by confronting him about all the things on your mind that you hold against him then you'll either be able to push him away or forgive him as a result. So deal with those two feelings; find out which one you want to feel and "can" feel(don't start feeling attraction again just so he can hurt you only feel which one you "can" feel as a result of his actions when you confront him) and take it from there.

I really think you should tell your parents too. Tell them and see what happens? The point isn't to get them to help you the point is what you said #### it all. Screw, all, the lies and just tell the truth live the truth. As stupid that might sound it means live as yourself, who you want to be, don't suppress yourself don't hold back and don't put up with something that hurts you. Just screw every complication that gets in the way of what you really want and put things into perspective. For example this guy was, one person, you could trust and talk to about anything for a few months. There will be many more that will come and many more that will go. There's nothing special about him he's just another person and you probably see dozens everyday, good and bad, he isn't the "only one" you could count on and trust in your life. And that's just simple reality. If your having a hard time finding other people it's not because they don't exist it's because you don't know how to find them so you just need to figure it out. I've known some awesome people who come and go in hours other's stick around for years it was just a matter of putting myself out there saying hi and sharing myself There aren't any absolutes, people who will be there for the rest of your lives, in my experience at least, but there are people who will be there for you as long as your lives are together and you need those type of people. Good people; not one's like this guy. Not ones that will hurt you without donig everything they can to make up for it.

I hope that helps, let me know how it turns out or what you think. Good luck. smile.gif
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