Nov 14 2010, 01:11 PM
I've been with my fiance for almost 5 years. She has struggled with opiate addiction since she quit breast feeding our 2 year old. She suffers from depression, anxiety and she treats me with disrespect and seems to be almost like she has split personalities. I have been trying to do all I can. I used to enable her addiction because that way she wouldn't treat me terribly. Now for the last 4 months I have stopped giving her money, stopped letting her use the car and have been monitering her whereabouts and phone calls. She wants to stop, hates to use, but she relapses after a while when she says "she can't take it anymore". I don't know what to do. All I want is for her to be happy. Thats it. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't like worrying about where my money is and hoping she won't find it. I never know what the right thing is to say because she will verbally attack me if I say anything that pisses her off. I hate to say no because she gets so mad. I feel lonely even being with her. I want to be there for her, I want to help. But I don't know how to do that. Sometimes I do give in and let her drive the car or give her a little money but it makes me panic everytime because I'm afraid she is going to do something. Get drugs or get in trouble. I have no control over her and its driving me nuts. The consequences are huge if she relapses and I feel like they scare me more than they do her. I feel like she really doesn't care about my feelings and she doesn't care if something bad happens because someone will bail her out. She tells me she loves me and she has her good days and got clean for over 40 days. She relapsed and I let her (gave her the money and they car keys) because she was so nasty and hateful I couldn't stand it. She scares me. She tells me when she is doing wrong, but she also uses it to manipulate me too. I don't know what to do. We have a daughter together and I'm committed to her. I have seen the best in her. When she was pregnant and clean she was the most wonderful wife and all I've ever wanted. I know who she really is. ITs the drugs that make her nuts. Please tell me how to be stronger and how to seperate my feelings from what she is going thru. How can I help and what am I doing wrong? I am desperate for some advice and I am willing to do anything. She is seeking help from NA and AA and has found some friends to help her. We are going to church and she has gotten alot better from a year ago. Its just still not good enough. She is still fighting her cravings. What else can I do? Do I just give her the keys to the car and let her go. She tells me she is going one place and when she did that before she always would go get drugs instead. Now she has gone to the places she said she would go, but has admitted to meshe get cravings and is tempted to drive to where the drugs are. I love her, but I also feel obligated to be there for her because she has no one else to help her. She needs a job, some fines paid to tkae care of legal problems and I want to help her with that. But I'm resentful. I've given her soooooo much money in the past and it all went up her nose. But I am all she has. No family and no friends are available for her. And do I LOVE HER very much. She is a loving caring mother, she is so unslefish when it comes to me. She worries about my feelings and how she can make me happy. When she is sober all she wants is to make a happy home and be a success full woman. When she uses she is the opposite. I just don't trust anything she says, nothing. She is happy when our daughter visits for the weekend, but during the week she wants to use. I just can't worry anymore, its making me physically sick. Please help.
Nov 15 2010, 07:25 AM
First of all I just want to let you know my perspective before I say anything: I do not have personal experience with addiction (other than nicotine) or living with someone who is a substance abuser, but I do work with families and have research-based knowledge and some experience around the affects of abuse on infants, toddlers and children as well as the struggles that parents who suffer from addiction go through. So you'll want to keep that in mind after I tell you what I'm about to say.
If your situation was just about you and your wife, with no child involved, it would be different and you might be able to "stick it out" with her. But since you have a two-year old, your responsibility has shifted from trying to help your wife to protecting your child. Your daughter experiences abuse, which is extremely damaging to her emotional/pschological development, by being exposed to the abuse you receive from your wife every time she's mean to you, uses you and your resources in some way, or is physically or emotionally absent because of her addiction. She is also not getting the best care she could be getting because of the physical and emotional drain you are going through - your availability to parent is compromised, which I'm sure you're very frustrated about. In the state where I live, Child Protective Services often becomes involved with families who are experiencing what you are going through, and children are often removed from the home because of the danger of being around someone who is using substances and the added danger of being around a parent who is trying but not succeeding in controlling access to drugs and funds. Your daughter is not safe as long as you and she are with your wife, until she finds a way to truly enter recovery. So there's that. From my point of view, considering everything you say you've done to try to help, the only solution is for you to take your daughter and move out to a safe place. You may be able to get help from your local Child Protective Services department which will support you as long as you're keeping your daughter safe. They could also provide resources to help your wife survive without your presence.
This is not to say that things have to be over between you! I worked with a family for the last two years where the children were in danger of being removed and Child Protective Services helped the family get the help they needed, kept the children in the home (the mom was not allowed to be there when they were there for awhile), and now they are successfully together as a family. The mom is in full recovery and that last I knew things were much, much better. The dad in this family experienced exactly the same situation as you describe for yourself.
So I would seriously consider shaking things up for your wife and moving yourself and your daughter to a safe place. It may be just the final straw she needs to truly seek help, which apparently she hasn't been able to do yet.
Mar 16 2011, 09:56 PM
You just do the right thing. but sometimes we should let them take the doze of their own medicine for them to fully realize that they are a mess. it's a good thing that she is now attending a AA. it can helped her a lot. you are a true blessing with her... soon it will pass and you will be happy together. make god be the center of your life..