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I have trouble even thinking about this and i'venever told anyone the whole story but I need help. I'm not exactly sure how old I was because for a long time I blocked out what happened. But a few months ago I started to think about and remember and now I Cant stop remembering. My brother is five years older than me. My sister is two years older than me. We were all pretty close when we were kids. Our parents had some problems with fights and my dad had serious anger issues. He used to hit my brother and me but he never hurt us too badly and that stopped years ago. He is a different person now. But I looked up To my brother and trusted him. So one day I was really tired and wanted to sleep and he said he wanted to sleep too. We laid in his bed and he started rubbing my stomach and moved his hands everywhere slowly telling me to go to sleep. I rubbed his stomach too but I think that's it. I think I did fall asleep. My mom woke me up later and after she left my brother said to keep this a secret ok? I agreed tho i didn't understand. He said dad would be mad if I told. My mom though it was cute that he let me sleep in his bed. in the years afterwards I grew apart from my bro and closer To my sister. She knows everything about me, except for this. I told my best friend a few weeks ago cuz I couldn't stop thinking about it but I didn't tell her it was my brother. I had a boyfriend over the summer until last month when he broke up with me for complicated reasons. The first time he kissed me I got really scared for some reason and he knew it and gave me some space. I got over it but we never went farther than kissing. But we were very close and told eachother a lot. But I never told him about my brother. I'm not sure it even matters I mean I wasn't raped so why can't I just let it go? Now my brother still lives with us we are on good terms and we've never spoken about it. Why would he do it? Did something happen to him?
Why he did it is complicated. Perhaps something happened to him or perhaps he was simply curious what a girl's body felt like as he was maturing through puberty at the time. Don't let that latter explanation seem innocent, it was very very wrong regardless and should have never happened, but if that was the reason. Then it would happen because he didn't have proper boundaries developed. Those boundaries would not have developed properly considering your family environment and the physical abuse from your father. I would definently suggest confronting him about it, learn why he did it and get an apology at the very least. If it was only this one time it dosn't concern me that much. I know that even one time can have strong negative effects on a person. Only you though know if you think it's had effects on you. If you think it has definently get a therapist and talk to him/her. I know it may seem difficult because you'd have to get your parents involved but it's just something you'd have to step up to.

I am personally more concerned with your dad's anger issues. Even if they're over now and as you put it "he never hurt us too badly" simply hitting you any physical abuse like that can be quite devastating. That and your parents fights depending how bad they got? I mean verbal only or would he loose it and start hitting her? Those can severely affect a person; how they affect everyone always changes. Personally I went for depression and suicide but I had alot more things affecting me as well. If your not having any emotional problems like that or an inability to control your emotions especially anger. Then your doing great. Infact you sound great. The only thing that really stands out is that your afraid of being intimate with people emotionally and especially physically; watching your parents fight especially if it got physical I'm not surprised at all. It's a common side effect. The physical abuse and family environment that resulted from that and your parents fighting is going to create problems for you when it comes to relationships and likely cause other problems in life as well. Parenting ability being the most obvious. I'm sorry but I'd have to know alot more about you to notice any developmental problems it's had and naming the ones that could result is just pointless. Relationship and parenting problems are the two that, will, happen.. You can see therapy and counselling for the physical abuse and family environment and I always suggest that. I personally though get the feeling that the majority of this stuff will work itself out as you grow up so long as you keep standing up to it as you are now.

You got scared when your boyfriend kissed you, most likely, because of your parents fighting and you connecting at a young age pain with intimacy because of the fighting and the physical abuse. I know that that is particularly stressing you out so let me be clear it's very very very healthy for relationships to fall apart even into your late twenties. I know you won't understand that but trust me it's very healthy. We learn from the mistakes to make better ones next time. And it can take a long time for people to learn how to have relationships and how to love. So don't worry when your relationships fall apart just learn from it and go onto the next one. The only time you should start getting worried about your relationships is if you keep having them but they never improve with each one. In that case you need to figure out why and if you can't or it's serious then you get therapy.

As for why you can't stop thinking about the molestation, I think your trying to blame it for alot of things. So figure out, what, your trying to blame it for and then confront those problems. With that and after you confront your brother I think you'll be able to get it under control and won't be thinking about it all the time.

I really hope that helps! If you have any more questions or problems or anything anytime please don't hesitate to share. Good luck. smile.gif
Thank you I appreciate your response. The fights between my parents were only verbal and they were usually about me and mybrother and sister because he just had and still has very little patience for children so he would get mad and yell at us easily or spank us for a long time for no reason like once I was crying from a bad dream and he just came in and started spanking me and my mom came and pulled him away from me. He never hurt her, and he only actually punched me once in the stomach because I made a fist at my sister. He was worse to my brother though. But our whole family has been through a lot since then as my fathers parents died and my sister has medical problems
As well, and her boyfriend had cancer but is recovering now. My dad kind of fell apart when his father died and he's really changed. He always apologizes if he yells. He hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me so much it's annoying. But our relationship isn't like my friends and their dads, basically I just do everything he tells me. I was the caretaker of the house and my sister for the last few years but my mom went from working full time to part time now so she helps and she is a little nicer too. I have sometimes recently had the urge to hurt myself but I always stopped and thought what am I doing? I will never commit suicide cuz my uncle did and that left a big scar on my family especially my sister. Thank you for listening smile.gif I don't know if I will confronty brother. An I think getting therapy is not necessary. My parents wouldn't pay for it and driv e me there anyway
Even spanking is physical abuse and from your example it sounds pretty bad but I am glad that the physical and verbal abuse were relatively minor from what I was picturing at least. It definently explains why you sound so great. smile.gif I just wanted to retract my comment that it will cause relationship and parenting problems it sounds like your dad turned out good. I think what happened will create minor problems like self esteem and self confidence but nothing that you can't handle. I think with time they'll work themselves out as you grow up and get out more developing independence. That said though I am concerned with your recent urges to hurt yourself? Not concerned for your life considering what you said but rather more concerned with what's lying underneath them and how that's affecting you. If you want to talk about it?

And if I may offer, don't be scared of confronting your brother. As a person you deserve to know why. That's said because I believe that you do want to know and if you want it, get it. Never be afraid of going after your desires and dreams.
Thank you again. I guess I do have a right to know why he did it but I love my brother and I don't want to offend him. And I think things would be really awkward between us if he knew I remember and know what he did was wrong. As far as wanting to hurt myself goes ive just had a lot to deal with lately so many people I know are sick or suffering hard losses it's just hard I'm really not sure why I felt that way. The first time I had just gotten out of the shower and I guess I had the water a bit too hot cuz I was a little light headed so isat down and my sisters metal nail file was sitting on the counter and I was filing my nails and I just couldn't stop thinking about everything and before I knew what I was doing I pressed it to my wrist hard. But it wasn't a sharp point and I made my self drop it before it broke my skin. I have since been thinking about that but I'm not going to hurt myself I know it's not good.
It'd be unfair to you if he was offended about you confronting him, infact it would be unfair if he felt anything but guilt and shame. And while yes it would make things different with him keeping it a secret is having a negative impact on the relationship. You can't control the result of confronting him but the intent and possibility of it is to make it better which makes it worthwhile! But I believe that when your ready to do it you will.

Even if you aren't going to hurt yourself the fact that it's in the subconscious is what concerns me. It may sound callous but other people's problems shouldn't make life hard for you. Infact the best way to help other people is to remain in a stable life without letting it get stressed. It seems to have a way to translate to everyone around you and in the end it makes their lives alot better. I used to let other's people's problems really get to me, I used to always feel what they felt. And I always found that it hindered rather than helped my attempts to help or support them. So I think you should take some more time for yourself. If your getting overwhelmed by the stress of family and friends just take a step back and enjoy yourself. Enjoy your own life and don't let it get dragged down by theirs. Then you'll be able to deal with them and support them much much better. I hope that helps. smile.gif
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