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Full Version: I Was In Denial For Months
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shellybm909
[size="5"]Im 27 years old with 2 children, i meet my boyfriend we hit it off and i moved him in, march 29th 2010, well after about 2 months my sex life with my boyfriend went down hill, i would think it was me, so i just didnt say anything, then in june i found porn sites that my boyfriend visitied and watched numerous videos, i told him he needed to leave i didnt approve of him watching porn with my daughter in the home while i was at work, he ended up going to jail that day for putting his hands on me, he got out a few days later and promised me he wouldnt do it again and the porn would stop, we started going to church so i thought everything stoped!!! I WAS WRONG, My daughter started showing some signs that other people noticed but me, she would visit my mother and my mom noticed things a 4 yr old shouldnt be doing, she tried to un buckle my moms boyfriend belt, she touched her private area and said that feels good, she would open her legs on the bed like she was waiting 4 something, when my told told me things i just said oh shes just playing, I WAS IN DENIAL>>...My Mom came to me crying and said she has a gt feeling my bf was molesting her, i said NO he would never do that...Well 2 months went by and i started asking my daughter questions if any one has touched her she would always say NO>>>> So i let it go!!!!! Well me n my bf relationship was still going down hill, our sex life sucked 3-4 times a month was average 4 us. i would always wonder why...Well October 26th i kicked him out i was tired of the porn, flirting with woman and hes concern with my daughter, everytime we would argue he would bring my daughter up saying he loves her and wants to b apart of her life even if me n him are not together, which seemed weird thats not his child...well i kicked him out october 26, I was giving my daughter a bath that friday after kicking him out, i went to wash her private area and she jumped, i said whats wrong, she said u cant touch my peepee, i said y? she got very shy>> I said has anyone touched your peepee before she said YES!!!! I said WHO, she named my X boyfriend, My mouth droped, i was in shock, so i sat there and asked her questions, i said when did he touch her, and how and my 4 yr old told me everything, i asked her why she didnt tell me before she said he said he would hurt me if she told, and she said I LOVE YOU MOMMY i dodnt want u to get hurt...I cried, i felt so horrible, i felt like i should of listen to my mom months befre, i called the police and they talked to her she told them more then i knew, i was so grossed out, we had to take her to the ER were they found evidence of her being touched. my problem is hes out free they havent arrested him for this, they say theres a investagation, im sick to my stomach to know hes out there to do this to another child. I feel like no one understands my pain, my guilt...I dont know where to go from here, how do i ever trust another man around my daughter..I feel horrible, i feel hopeless
Moonglow
Alright breath deeply, in, and think about everything that's happened just keep building it up into a little ball as you breath deeper and deeper. Then hold it and hold it. And then just breath out slowly letting that ball roll away until it's out of sight then repeat keep doing it until your calmer. Right now your consumed by emotional chaos, your head is so full of emotions and thoughts that you can't even think straight. It's been two weeks since you found out and it's well past time you put yourself back together; lean on your friends, family and put yourself back together. Then once your calm and have a clear mind you can deal with what happened.

I'm really sorry for what happened. So lets start; what you need to do is see a sexual abuse therapist, see several infact, to get their opinions and decide your next course of action in regard to your daughter. She needs help or this will have repercussions later on. But a therapist will know how and the best way to do it and especially when the therapy needs to happen. Considering the repercussions won't likely come into light until much later in her life as she begins to grow up sexually. The good news is months are much better than years so don't blow things out of promotion, while it is very serious, it could honestly be much worse. This isn't going to ruin your daughter's life especially not with professional help. The best thing you yourself can do is stop being the source of emotional chaos by putting yourself back together and being calm, clear, honest and loving with her. Don't smother her or be overdramatic or chaotic just be stable that's what every child needs regardless of the situation.

Once you take care of your daughter then you can deal with the rest. However much it might feel like it's all your fault it isn't. People make mistakes and that's all right. And the person to blame is your ex so just let him go and let the police handle it. The rest is about you. Your sex life with your ex dosn't mean anything. Just because a guy isn't getting sex dosn't mean he'll go and molest a child. If he wants to molest a child he'll do it regardless of sex. Your mind is just rushing so much your trying to make sense of it and you want to blame this but it's wrong. The amount of sex you two had or lack thereof or the porn have no impact on this. Being a molester is who he was and that's all there is to it. It's not what MEN are, it's who HE was, so accept it and move on. If you start blaming men or thinking of it like that you will have severe issues trusting men later on if you don't already. Just accept that it was who he was nothing more.

I know that you feel guilt and I know why but it's blown out of proportion and it's something for your kids sake that you just need to let go of and deal with. This was not your fault. Lean on your friends and family and deal with the guilt, get past it as best you can. And as time passes deal with it more and more, the sexual abuse therapist for your daughter will be able to help you with this as well as they will have encountered a parent's feeling of guilt many many many! Times before.

I can't explain it but I get the feeling that your attracted to guys like this. Sometimes people are attracted to certain types, abusers, people they know will abandon them, cheaters etc. It's not a conscious attraction but rather a sub conscious one and I think sub consciously your attracted to bad guys. I definently think you should see a therapist regarding this.

I also get the feeling that you have abandonment issues. Did anyone leave your life, dad, sibling, relative, ex boyfriend or husband? And was that leaving traumatic? You should consult a therapist about this as well. You had your boyfriend move in with you way faster than you should have which makes me feel like your desperate and you also have the second part of that problem too which is an inability to be close to someone. The cycle is being desperate for someone and once you get them being unable to be with them and always pushing them away. You also sought to control your boyfriend which tells me you have strong insecurities regarding men in your life. These two things are very characteristic of abandonment. So please see a therapist for everything. Just sit down and talk with one about everything nomatter how minor or insignificant it might seem and let them explore your life so that they can help you. What happened is not your fault but I definently get the feeling you have serious problems of your own that need to be dealt with for your children's sake. Most of all be the supportive and stable person that your kids need in their lives especially your daughter! I really hope that helps and things get better. Good luck. smile.gif
JennP
Being a victim of molestation, I wanted to tell you that you have done the most important thing that any mother can do, and that is believe your child. She is no longer in danger of being around the man who hurt her, and she knows that you have tried to help her. If you feel the police haven't gone far or fast enough, call and ask them what their processes are. Let them know that not only are you concerned that the man that hurt your daughter be punished, but that he also not be free to go on to other victims. Speaking from experience, finding justice is a rough road, but it is well worth it.

Your daughter is still very young and very capable of healing. She will grow to be strong and stable, if that is the image that she receives from you. I honestly can not imagine the pain and betrayal and guilt that you are feeling from all of this, but you are also able to heal. Educate yourself to be proactive in your choices of the men around her. Speak with counselors. Speak with local support groups. Make sure that you keep an open dialogue with your daughter so that she knows that she can always come to you, that she never has to worry about hurting you, and that you will always love and protect her.

You might not have known as soon as it started happening, but as soon as you knew, you immediately started fighting for her. Much peace can be taken from that...

My prayers are with you both...
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