Hello all - I am reaching out on my own and on behalf of my wife for any help on this disturbing thought described in the title. Please understand we are seeking professional counseling (2 so far) - 1 Dr. has given up on her (my daughter) and the other is an alarmist which is not helping the situation. I figured, let me try gathering some real people's thoughts in this world and see what they may have to say.
The summary: My wife and I suspect that her father (my father in-law) molested "our" oldest child (his granddaughter) while he was living with us....possibly when she was a bit younger.
The reason and setup:
Back in November of last year, my family and I made a Holiday visit to see our immediate families.
My father-in-law, who lived with us, also went along as he had family to see too. We all braved the road trip together. We dropped my wife's father off at his other daughter's house, while my family stayed with my parents.
1 day in to the week long trip, as we were visiting my sister-in-law, there was something strange going on when we walked in. To make a long disturbing story short, it was revealed that my father-in-law molested his own oldest daughter, twice that very night. (The "twice thing" and how it transpired is still a staggering to us (he said / she said thing) in fact we were surprised he was not kicked out of her house as soon as it happened the first time)
He admitted to "it", we sent him home immediately via air travel and stated we will deal with it when we get back, mind you he lived with us back then in our home state.
When we got back home, anxiety, stress and all, we asked him to leave and requested he get help, there wasn't any other option, we had to make the best of this since no charges were filed by my sister-in-law and my kids did not know what happened.
This information, is to provide some justification, motive, and a bit of his personality that is leading up to our disturbing thought.
Over the course of his dismissal from my home until now, we attempted to keep a cordial relationship with visits and various family events, etc. (Please mind you that my kids and my parents have no idea about any of this.)
To this day he has not gotten any help and in fact met an older woman (80+) at the community he moved into. Soon after he met her, on one of their visits to our home, he approached me with a prescription for Cialis and had some questions and begged me not to tell my wife. Trying to remain calm I gave him the information he needed, yet feeling very disturbed inside. (of course I told my wife, I don't hide anything from her) A few weeks after that, he approached me again with questions about Viagra, stating the Cilias did not work. Oh brother - talk about uncomfortable.
My oldest daughter:
For almost 5 years my father-in-law lived up stairs from us. Before the incident was reveled and a number of years back, like 4 or so, my daughter when she was younger would go up there and lay in bed with her grandfather and watch TV. Occasionally my wife and I had witnessed child type play where she had a doctor kit and she pretend to listen to his heart and what not. This would happen during the day and such. Although we admit it made us feel a bit uncomfortable with some disturbing thoughts, we had the highest respect for this man and were ashamed that we even thought them. As she got older, she would continue to go up there and claim to watch football, or older movies with him. I always thought it was a bit odd, that my daughter took an interest in the original Preacher's Wife and She Wore a Yellow Ribbon. (To this day, "I" don't even care for those old movies, no offense.) Not thinking anything of it, but all I remember is that she always wanted to go upstairs.
She is 10 now - and all I can say to sum it up, from about the ages of 6 to now she has shown signs of hatred, anger, fear, frustration, self pity, denial, clinginess, obsession, compulsiveness. Needless to say the relationship we have with her is nothing like what we have with our other two children: My other 2 children - boy 4, girl 7 - actually seem like normal children. My oldest is pure gloom and doom - she denies herself anything a normal child would indulge in. Even at the fall festival, she refused to have fun and just sit on a bench to read a book. Every weekend there is a lot of arguing and screaming because my daughter refuses to listen us. She refuses to take direction, assistance and guidance and insists on doing everything her way even if the results are less than desired. She acts very immature for her age, like she has reverted back to a younger age.
So, after the events that have transpired with my father-in-law AND in combination with my daughters behavior and the other counseling we have had....my wife and I have suspected that maybe our daughter was molested by her grandfather. My daughter's behavior does not fall in line with my other children or many other children we come in contact with around her age.
Any advice, any thoughts, any words of wisdom - please don't hold back - if you think we are crazy - let us know. It is driving us crazy to think something like this could have happened to our once sweet little girl. I have reoccurring nightmares, my wife has anxiety attacks ever since this "thing" has happened and now we these thoughts it makes it worse.
We are NOT looking to bury the old man, we are looking to get our daughter back, we want her to be happy and for us to get along once again.