I had some time today and started googling stuff like "why incest happens" and "help, i am a victim of incest." It soon evolved into "where can i chat with people who are/were victims of incest" after reading a couple painful stories. I have been sexually abused. My stepdad started touching me when he was wasted when I was about 11. A year later, I finally told him. He started crying, apologizing, and promised he wouldn't drink anymore. I believed him. Because he was my dad and I trusted him. But it kept happening. He would drink and I would distance myself away from him the next day. Sometimes, I'd even be hostile towards him. Starting arguments over nothing and hitting him. He'd ask why. And I'd tell him. Then he would pull the what is now called "routine."

A look of surprise, crying, apologizing, waiting for me to forgive him (which I did), and tell me I couldn't tell anyone.

Because he would go to prison (did I want him to go to prison?). And "my younger brothers, who love him, and my mom, who is happy for once in her life, would be torn apart"- He wasn't saying the second part. I was when I visualized telling someone.

I am going to be 17 in November. And even though there's some progress on my stepdad hardly drinking, and when he does, he doesn't bother me, it happened again. About a month ago.

The situation was horrible. You see, when this started to happen to me, I started to develop an ability to wake up at the slightest touch. And in the middle of the night, I felt an alarm going off in my head. It had happened when I was sleeping. And I could feel tears rushing down my face. I saw my mom stir in her sleep(we all sleep in the living room) and got the strength to sleep by her. She woke up, asking me what's wrong. I told her I had a nightmare and snuggled up to her.

I wanted my mom to hold me. To see through me. But she didn't. Instead she told me I could lay there while she went to my previous spot, leaving me alone. I know it's stupid for me to hope that she would notice. But at the time, I was so hurt. Over and over in my mind, I repeated, "Whenever I have a nightmare, my mom can't help me. I'm alone. I'm alone." Of course we (stepdad and I) talked about it the next day and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him gone. I didn't want to forgive him. But I knew that if I didn't, he'd keep bothering me and something else might happen. I just don't know what.

I forgave him in the end.

I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I can't stand my stepdad hugging me or kissing me on the forehead. I don't want him to touch me at all. I don't want him very close to me either. Sometimes I'm disgusted by him and I want him gone. He doesn't understand it and I feel like punching him whenever he tries to hug me and I pull away and he asks, "What's wrong? Why won't you hug me back?" I would clench my teeth to stop myself from answering, "Why do you think, genius?! Why do YOU think I'm like this?!"


Sometimes I wonder if me being sexually abused or something is having an impact on me. I think, "Yes. It is. Do something before it's too late." But I'm confused on what to do. Sometimes I think that my mind is going to explode. I'm afraid that I'm beginning to hate him. My stepdad. The person I once could trust. It hurts, you know? To have someone you love and trust betray you in the worst case possible. To the point where you don't know if you love or hate that person. To where you can never forgive or forget. To the point of being afraid of hugs.

I dont know if anyone else responded to this forum-but I was touched by my uncle, it happened one time but it is so vivid in my memory. I heard when something like that happens to you a part of yourself changes, the person you could have been for better or worse doesnt exist anymore.
I know you are care about the rest of your family but this is a situation where you get to be selfish, you get to put your own physical and mental safety above everything else. I dont know this stepdad of yours but its not the alcohol that is making him touch you it's him, the drink is just an excuse he uses to mask what he knows is wrong, maybe alcohol numbs the shame for him but he knows what he is doing.
My advice to you find one person relative, teacher, hotline and tell them whats happening.

I was the same I dont want to ruin my family, dont want him to go to jail, excuse, excuse, excuse but its not my job or yours to take care of them, just like you know right from wrong so should he.

I really hope you think about it, he could be doing it to someone else or has already.

Trust me, tell your mother. I didn't until 20 years later. It ruined me. Please tell her. Then find a councilor with your mom's help or a friend's. You cannot keep this inside you. Be well.