I had some time today and started googling stuff like "why incest happens" and "help, i am a victim of incest." It soon evolved into "where can i chat with people who are/were victims of incest" after reading a couple painful stories. I have been sexually abused. My stepdad started touching me when he was wasted when I was about 11. A year later, I finally told him. He started crying, apologizing, and promised he wouldn't drink anymore. I believed him. Because he was my dad and I trusted him. But it kept happening. He would drink and I would distance myself away from him the next day. Sometimes, I'd even be hostile towards him. Starting arguments over nothing and hitting him. He'd ask why. And I'd tell him. Then he would pull the what is now called "routine."
A look of surprise, crying, apologizing, waiting for me to forgive him (which I did), and tell me I couldn't tell anyone.
Because he would go to prison (did I want him to go to prison?). And "my younger brothers, who love him, and my mom, who is happy for once in her life, would be torn apart"- He wasn't saying the second part. I was when I visualized telling someone.
I am going to be 17 in November. And even though there's some progress on my stepdad hardly drinking, and when he does, he doesn't bother me, it happened again. About a month ago.
The situation was horrible. You see, when this started to happen to me, I started to develop an ability to wake up at the slightest touch. And in the middle of the night, I felt an alarm going off in my head. It had happened when I was sleeping. And I could feel tears rushing down my face. I saw my mom stir in her sleep(we all sleep in the living room) and got the strength to sleep by her. She woke up, asking me what's wrong. I told her I had a nightmare and snuggled up to her.
I wanted my mom to hold me. To see through me. But she didn't. Instead she told me I could lay there while she went to my previous spot, leaving me alone. I know it's stupid for me to hope that she would notice. But at the time, I was so hurt. Over and over in my mind, I repeated, "Whenever I have a nightmare, my mom can't help me. I'm alone. I'm alone." Of course we (stepdad and I) talked about it the next day and I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him gone. I didn't want to forgive him. But I knew that if I didn't, he'd keep bothering me and something else might happen. I just don't know what.
I forgave him in the end.
I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I can't stand my stepdad hugging me or kissing me on the forehead. I don't want him to touch me at all. I don't want him very close to me either. Sometimes I'm disgusted by him and I want him gone. He doesn't understand it and I feel like punching him whenever he tries to hug me and I pull away and he asks, "What's wrong? Why won't you hug me back?" I would clench my teeth to stop myself from answering, "Why do you think, genius?! Why do YOU think I'm like this?!"
Sometimes I wonder if me being sexually abused or something is having an impact on me. I think, "Yes. It is. Do something before it's too late." But I'm confused on what to do. Sometimes I think that my mind is going to explode. I'm afraid that I'm beginning to hate him. My stepdad. The person I once could trust. It hurts, you know? To have someone you love and trust betray you in the worst case possible. To the point where you don't know if you love or hate that person. To where you can never forgive or forget. To the point of being afraid of hugs.