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stanfishing
I need some very honest feedback as my family is on the line here and I don't want to lose them. Ever since my wife and I met she has had problems flirting, spending time with talking on the phone with men. Some are men she has slept with. Some are friends, some I don't even know. It caused so many problems when we first meet that I broke up with her, even though I thought I might be falling in love with her.

Well she begged to come back, came back, and low and behold we have a baby coming. I won't go into how she didn't want to have our child but it wasn't pretty. Between this and all the "man" issues still occuring I started eventually losing it with her verbally. I was 40 at the time and had no history of abuse with any women sober (I am a recoving alcoholic as is my wife). And yes, I have had yelling matches with family members drunk, but never sober. Fast forward a few years where we had plenty of issues still going on. She said I was controlling her especially around men (I had caught her sandwhiched between a couple of teenage guys and laying her breast on a manager at work). The yelling on my part was getting worse and she was still up to her ole games. Fast forward again and now we have the internet where for over 4 years, (I later found out) she was flirting, discussing how she wanted to have affairs, discussing virtually every sexual subject. telling men what she wanted done to her (I am being very nice here) and on and on and on. She had a small web based business and I and everyone else thought she was working. She was actually spending between 6 - 11 hours a day chatting with men and women sometimes not about sex, but hundreds and hundreds of post were about sex. She insulted me online horribly every chance she could and the therepist I was seeing simple said she was having a cyber affair. She denies this because "it was with so many men that she had discussed sex with, not just one."

Well I snapped!! For months and months we fought. I learned so many bad things that she done it literally made me ill and my language got stronger and stronger. There was nothing I did not call her. During this time she attacked me twice although I was screaming at her at the time; and she tried framing me to have me put in jail but it didn't work. I learned she was looking for her ex boyfriend, texting a man 162 times in a day, lyiing to me about speaking with men, and all this was AFTER I caught her online.

Fast forward 6 months. things had calmed down and we actually were getting along wonderfully. Then I caught her pulling her "man" stuff again. But this time on Facebook and other places. She wasn't speaking dirty but was keeping up with these guys. Allot of them were from her days discussing sex online, which she swore she had "never spoke to them again."

Next we have another physical altercation. (She was trying to record me one day and I took the recorder out of her hands (Pryed is a better word) and of course the police come and nothing happens. She said I said "I should kill you" but I have no memory of that at all. I think she just wanted me arrested.

One thing I did not mention was I became gravely ill during her time on line discussing sex. Later she told me she wished I had died. She never went to the Dr. with me and greatly neglected me. Would never get a job to help with bills, just chatted all day as I lay sick dying in bed. She did have a garage sale or two and did make some money but never enough to cover bills. This made me very angry later; the more I thought about how horrid she was to me the angrier I was. I guess it was her way of getting back at me for my horrid words to her.

With all this said, I am now an emotional, physical abuser. She wants a divorce (Even though I had asked for one at least 100 times before). So here is the majic question, am I an abuser. I know there is no excuse for screaming , swearing, physical altercations. But this, in my opinion wasn't entirely my fault (I know classic abuser statement page 152). I am getting help for my abuse. My therpist have told me a person CAN be pushed beyond his or her limits, but I really need to know how bad I am. I have PTSD from my chilhood so I know that plays a part. But I did get 7 years of therapy to help me with that. I have a son who I love more then life itself and if I need help I damn well will seek it. As I mentioned, I am, as I write, in therapy but perhaps anger management or something else. I don't want to hurt anyone Further.

Please tell me the truth.

Thank you.
twinmommy
Stan -

I don't think anyone has a right to tell you how bad/good you are. I think *YOU* need to evaluate your actions with your belief system and then make amends accordingly. It sounds to me like you were in a mutually abusive relationship. I would suggest that you are on the right path as far as seeking the help you need. Have you and your wife sought marital counseling together as well as individual?

I think the questions you need to answer for yourself at this juncture are:

Do you still want to be in the marriage?

If so, how hard are you willing to fight *for* it?

Is the marriage relationship a good example for your child to look up to or would he be better off if the two of you parted ways?

All of these are self-searching questions that only you & your wife can decide. I hope this has helped a little. I pray you find peace and guidance for your life and for your family's lives.
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