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Full Version: My Dad Is 70 And Has A History Of Anger And Now My Mom Wants Out! Help!
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My dad is 70 and has a history of anger and now my mom wants out! He doesn't believe in counseling but tried it once under the pretense that my mom is the one that needs help. My mom is willing to stay with him but she wants him to go for marriage counseling and anger management. My dad will get upset over little things with the most recent event... he decided he wanted to hang brooms and mops over the rice dispenser. My mom is a clean freak and doesn't like to mix things you clean with and what you eat. So, she asked my dad why did he hang the brooms and mops over the rice dispenser. Without any explanation or asking further my mom's concern, he got upset. He started yelling at my mom, degrading her like she is worthless and then he proceeded by bringing down the brooms and mops and breaking them into pieces. Don't get me wrong... my mom is not angel, but between the things that my mom does and what my dad does... i can live with my mom 100x more than my dad.

So my mom left my dad and doesn't want to go back unless my dad goes for counseling and anger management. She would also rather have him medicated to control his mood. When she left my dad told my sister not to allow her to go back home ever (he's always said this everytime my mom takes off). He doesn't realize it is not just his house. My mom moved in with my sister who has a family. So my mom doesn't feel displaced, I invited my dad to live with me so my mom can move back home... temporarily until my dad gets tired of me and would want to move back to their home.

On a side note... my dad gets upset over little things and says things that are disparaging. In 2-3 days he gets over his anger and then tells my mom and me and my sister how much he loves her. The problem is... my mom has built-up resentment and drudge against my dad. I don't blame her if he keeps on doing the same thing. Who wants to live with someone who get angry over little things and would break things b/c he didn't get want he wants.

Please help. unsure.gif I don't know how to approach my dad about this and I'm afraid he would think I'm siding with my mom (which I am). BTW, he also lies a lot and thinks everybody lies to him (which we don't... ever). So, he would tell my mom not to tell us anything that happens (if he gets upset over things) at their house. And if my mom does... he takes it out on my mom when they are alone (verbally) and would accuse my mom of causing trouble for us kids and our family.
I am just wondering how you are doing
now.I am sorry to hear your situation.
Have you found support?

hi janejane:
thanks for cking. no, i haven't found any support or response. either this site is doesn't get a lot of activity or nobody has the expertise or knowledge of what to do. i would like to think that my situation is not that uncommon.
my dad is still with me but i'm sure in no time will he tell me he would like to go home. i don't know how i'm going to tell him (without him getting extremely mad) that my mom will not be there when he gets back home. i'm convinced that my mom should not live like this ... its stressful. my mom will live with my sister temporarily and we'll have them rotating living with us and then living at their home without having to actually live with each other. i'm sure my dad will wig-out on this. i'm sure he'll tell me to tell my mom to never come back home and he might even disown us. i don't want to alienate my dad as he no longer has any family (other than us) and doesn't have any friends.
i just thought by writing here, in this forum, that somebody can shed some light... either through experience or through expertise... and tell me how i can talk to my dad. i'm even thinking of just lying (white lies ... are not bad... right?) i'm thinking of telling him that my mom had doctor's orders to keep stress in her life low and that would mean not living with my dad. not a 100% lie as my mom does hypertension and sleep problem. i also plan on asking my dad to seek help if he wants to help my mom get better. i just don't know if i've covered all grounds.

Perhaps I can be of some assistance, and no I'm not a doctor, I don't even play one on TV. LoL (it's just my nick name IRW)

Like your father I also have (had) a nasty temper, fortunately I got into some trouble and was forced by the court into some counseling, and then I got interested and started not just reading but studying psychology as well as a bit of law.

Now, having said that here is my suggestion.

Talk to your local law enforcement, what you have described sounds like a clear cut domestic abuse case under Texas law but laws do vary. Now I know what your thinking, I'm not telling you to call the cops on your father per say, but you will probably find your local law enforcement and the courts quite helpful. They have a lot of resources that he can either choose to use on his own, or the courts can force him into counseling. Most of the men I met in group counseling were ordered to be there as I was, but all but a couple (the younger ones) found we did have some anger issues that lead us to do everything from the silly and stupid things to some that were downright criminal. At 40 I was probably one of the youngest of that group that found it truly helpful, and for me it helped me discover personal issues I had never given a lot of thought to as well as find more positive ways to let off steam. But the fact remains I was bull headed enough I would have never volunteered to go on my own.

And what I still find somewhat funny is before all of that I was a pretty narrow minded redneck, today one of my best friends is gay. Now how the heck did that happen if I didn't benefit drastically?? LoL

And don't rule out your father might also have a bipolar disorder, several in my counseling group were diagnosed and the combination of some meds and the counseling really seemed to help them.

Either way I have a pretty good idea what it's like from his standpoint, if I am right your going to need the help of local law enforcement to get him any help. It may boil down to making some tough love decisions, but the system is there to help and it's unlikely he will end up with any kind of criminal record if that isn't what you and your mother want.

Just know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

seems like you have a tough problem regarding your dad's condition. your mom was right have your dad's for his own good either.

may be after seeing an Anger Management he can control his action and realize his mistake. i know it's hard but i guess he has to.
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