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I suppose I should just lay down my story and hope that someone might listen.

I'm 14 years old, almost 15, but don't let my age fool you. I am a victim of verbal and mental abuse by family members, with occasional inappropriate physical abuse. It seems every year my list of problems grow higher, and my parents do nothing to support me. I will openly say that I do admit to having sorts of depression linked with a binge eating disorder. My family does nothing but push me down and I have been suicidal for a few weeks.

Body Issues
My weight has always been a problem because food seems to be the only thing that fills up that whole in my heart. I've steadily gained to about 190 pounds and I am 5'9". I recently quit basketball, the one thing that kept my father on my good side, because I felt I was playing for the wrong reasons and it was making me absolutely miserable. Upon quitting my mother yelled at me, told me I was a waste of money and talent, among other things, and my father is basically isolating me, thinking I don't have interest in being in his family. After quitting basketball i finally gained the final few pounds that pushed my parents overboard. My dad forces me to go to training classes, which I despise, even though I am willing to go to the gym everyday. My mother makes it a point to let me know I'm fat.Upon eating some pudding last night, she grabs it from my hands and throws it away saying "I'm not going to watch you get fatter and fatter." The fat jokes are nonstop with my mom. She constantly reminds me how she would love me more if I was a thinner person. My low self esteem is even lower because of all the things she tells me and I'm ALWAYS thinking about how much I hate my body. It's always in the back of my mind reminding me.

I take comfort in reading books about teenagers with problems like mine that find solutions. I'm always reading, andI prefer to be alone because people can't judge me when I'm by myself. When I am with people I tend to get headaches because it feels like people are always teaming up against me. I am teased for stupid things like how I wear sunscreen, and it's always thrown in my face that I'm the screw up child. My father told my sister, "If you ever end up like your older sister I will slap you silly." Later that day he literally proceeded to slap me silly, leaving handprints on the back of my shoulders and irritation to my skull. I hate being known as the screw up in my family and it has pushed me overboard.

Coming of age
Unfortunately I'm at that age where I'm sexually curious and have been in trouble numerous times for incidents online involving naked pictures of myself, online boyfriends, phone sex, etc. I've never even kissed a boy in real life because I don't put myself out there, yet I feel impure, like damaged goods. I've struggled with growing up for years, I am still a little kid in my head. This has led to some of my problems with overeating and I self mutilate. The mutilation is usually at it's worst during winter because I have clothes to cover myself, during summer it's extremely hot where I live and it's embarassing to have my scars flashing about. I do a lot of the things I do for attention because I feel like I want someone to fix me.

Getting rid of the problem
My mother keeps letting slip how I'm going to be examined by a psychiatrist and they are going to try to commit me. Not because they are concerned about my well being, but because they can't deal with me and want me out. What kind of parent gives up on a child and sends them to a mental hospital? I admit I could be sent, but I don't NEED to be sent. My family considers me a lost cause and I don't know what to do with myself. The feelings of worthlessness have led me to many suicidal thoughts, wishing to make them pay, or to make them see what they've done to me through the years.

I had dreams, now it feels like it's to late.
What should I do?
Wav3s, I am glad you used this forum to communicate.
Sometimes the world around us is in turmoil, but hold your faith, dont do wrong, but hold your head up high and have goals, have career goals, strive to perform and be a good example to all.
Carry yourself with an example to all and believe me your family expects the least from you, that should make you more determined to make a success of your life.
It will not be easy at all but one day you will look back and be so proud of yourself that you pulled yourself out of that situation instead of ruining your life.
Good luck and stand firm in prayer...
Hi Wavs3,

First of all, know that your parents love you to the best of their ability, even if the manner that they show it is not fulfilling to you. I know it might be hard for you to feel compassion for them, but holding resentment in your heart towards them will only get worse over time, and may transmute you into a very hateful person. It's difficult to forgive those you trust and love who hurt you, but doing it is the kindest thing you could do for yourself.

Secondly, I would suggest approaching an adult you trust and talking this out with them. A counselor, a favorite teacher, a relative, someone you feel would respect your thoughts on the matter, and more importantly, someone who could help you make progress in this situation. Verbal and emotional abuse - NOT COOL. Physical abuse - NOT COOL. Your parent's treatment of you - NOT COOL.

((On another note, usually when parents decide to use their children as verbal 'punching bags' - it isn't neccessarily about you in the sense that there's an underlying issue, say your mother has her own self image issues and takes it out on you, ect. This abuse was never your fault, the ones who hurt you are the ones who are flawed.))

Please, please seek help regarding your suicidal thoughts and mutilation, talking it out with someone who cares is so much more helpful than bottling it up inside and isolating yourself. ((Isolation solves nothing, it only increase the pain.))

You've taken the first step on placing this topic on the forum, so hopefully you will take the next step.

There's alot of clinics and people out there who make it their business to help you, all you have to do is take that crucial step to asking for it.

Hope all goes well for you.
I know it's been a while since you posted this but I hope your still paying attention to read this response.

What should you do? That's hard because your so young. You can and should talk to a school counsellor to try and get help. I even suggest attempting to get out of the house and going to a relatives or even getting yourself in foster care albeit that would likely cause more problems that it would solve as your problems will follow you you'll merely escape the sources which in itself would be a great thing for your life. If you do get away from your family definently seek help for the problems your time with them has caused.

Aside from considering that, what should you do? Begin to understand what's going on around you. Your parents may love you but they don't even know what love means which makes it a lie. Their actions are wrong and are most likely born of their own feelings of bitterness and pain that they are experiencing or experienced in childhood and so to deal with it they take it out on you. Because they're incapable of processing it in any other way. So that's all they are doing. You are NOT the person they say you are. And I agree that I don't think you need to be sent to a mental hospital. If your parents are considering that it's just their own immature way of dealing with the situation as they refuse to be adults. You should be able to be whoever you want. Your weight should only matter to you and not to them. Yes it's a problem you need to deal with but take it as that don't let the fact they hate it affect your judgement at all. Your eating is a problem because it threatens your health and is negatively impacting your life, it's not a problem because they think it is but only because YOU think it is.

I know it's hard to change because of the pressure they put on you. But if you change do it for yourself and your own desires, don't let their opinions mean anything to you! Then the pressure they put on you will just disappear as you realize your opinions are the only ones that matter. And that's self esteem, not letting negative people's, like your parents who abuse you, opinions mean anything to you but rather putting value and faith in your own opinions and beliefs. And believe in yourself! Believe that you are worthwhile and a great person.

As for your sexual issues I understand why you feel like damaged goods. I encourage you to have respect for yourself and don't start having sex recklessly. I know it's hard to even understand what respect is when your never shown it but look at those around you that you could look up to and learn respect from them. And then start respecting yourself because your parents don't and you deserve respect. Whatever you've done it dosn't matter people learn and make mistakes. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you've done, I think it's unhealthy in the long run, but that's why you need respect for yourself so that you can re-direct your sexual interest in a more healthy direction. When your ready find a real boyfriend, a really good guy, and then begin learning it with him. And until then just learn by yourself. Be patient and work on the other things in your life. Grow up, develop and become a wonderful person, a person you like and can love and respect.

I know that depression is hard to beat but just try and find something in life that you like, like reading, and enjoy it. Take refuge in that so that you don't forget life can and should be fun and happy. And that you are worthwhile, that you deserve to be cared about and to be happy. And smile about it and just remember that that's apart of you, that something about you is great and that you like it.

I know that you want someone else to fix you, I felt the exact same way, I always tried to look to other people to fix me and that's the only way it could happen honestly. I tried to form friendships, relationships with people and reached out to them in the hopes that they would want to help me or that they'd care. In the end I learnt that nobody could fix me but me. Other people can help but they can't do it for you. You just have to remember something about yourself that you like as that's your reason for improving your life. And from there just do it. Fix and change what you think is wrong and make it whatever you want. I think one of the reasons why I looked to other people was because I didn't think that I was in control of my life. But I was always in control I just never took control. If you feel the same, if you ever feel out of control, all you ever need to do is remember that that control is already yours you just have to take it.

For your suicidal thoughts. All I can say is keep trying to find happiness in your life. And don't think about doing it for revenge on them because that wouldn't work. Just think about the pain that's causing you to feel that way and try and deal with it rather than run away from it. I was always so afraid that I wanted to run away more than deal because I didn't think I could. But you are strong enough to deal with it! We all are, you just have to do it.

I really hope that helps you feel better. I'd like to talk to you more if you read this and would like someone to talk to about what your going through?
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