I suppose I should just lay down my story and hope that someone might listen.
I'm 14 years old, almost 15, but don't let my age fool you. I am a victim of verbal and mental abuse by family members, with occasional inappropriate physical abuse. It seems every year my list of problems grow higher, and my parents do nothing to support me. I will openly say that I do admit to having sorts of depression linked with a binge eating disorder. My family does nothing but push me down and I have been suicidal for a few weeks.
Body Issues
My weight has always been a problem because food seems to be the only thing that fills up that whole in my heart. I've steadily gained to about 190 pounds and I am 5'9". I recently quit basketball, the one thing that kept my father on my good side, because I felt I was playing for the wrong reasons and it was making me absolutely miserable. Upon quitting my mother yelled at me, told me I was a waste of money and talent, among other things, and my father is basically isolating me, thinking I don't have interest in being in his family. After quitting basketball i finally gained the final few pounds that pushed my parents overboard. My dad forces me to go to training classes, which I despise, even though I am willing to go to the gym everyday. My mother makes it a point to let me know I'm fat.Upon eating some pudding last night, she grabs it from my hands and throws it away saying "I'm not going to watch you get fatter and fatter." The fat jokes are nonstop with my mom. She constantly reminds me how she would love me more if I was a thinner person. My low self esteem is even lower because of all the things she tells me and I'm ALWAYS thinking about how much I hate my body. It's always in the back of my mind reminding me.
Outsider
I take comfort in reading books about teenagers with problems like mine that find solutions. I'm always reading, andI prefer to be alone because people can't judge me when I'm by myself. When I am with people I tend to get headaches because it feels like people are always teaming up against me. I am teased for stupid things like how I wear sunscreen, and it's always thrown in my face that I'm the screw up child. My father told my sister, "If you ever end up like your older sister I will slap you silly." Later that day he literally proceeded to slap me silly, leaving handprints on the back of my shoulders and irritation to my skull. I hate being known as the screw up in my family and it has pushed me overboard.
Coming of age
Unfortunately I'm at that age where I'm sexually curious and have been in trouble numerous times for incidents online involving naked pictures of myself, online boyfriends, phone sex, etc. I've never even kissed a boy in real life because I don't put myself out there, yet I feel impure, like damaged goods. I've struggled with growing up for years, I am still a little kid in my head. This has led to some of my problems with overeating and I self mutilate. The mutilation is usually at it's worst during winter because I have clothes to cover myself, during summer it's extremely hot where I live and it's embarassing to have my scars flashing about. I do a lot of the things I do for attention because I feel like I want someone to fix me.
Getting rid of the problem
My mother keeps letting slip how I'm going to be examined by a psychiatrist and they are going to try to commit me. Not because they are concerned about my well being, but because they can't deal with me and want me out. What kind of parent gives up on a child and sends them to a mental hospital? I admit I could be sent, but I don't NEED to be sent. My family considers me a lost cause and I don't know what to do with myself. The feelings of worthlessness have led me to many suicidal thoughts, wishing to make them pay, or to make them see what they've done to me through the years.
I had dreams, now it feels like it's to late.
What should I do?