Coming from a childhood riddled with sexual experiences among my cousins by marriage, looking back on the impact "sex" has had on my life. I am often caught pondering who put me in this box, and started playing the movie it seems I have been spectator to for the last 32 years of my life.

I have many questions and expect little answers to will be found. Therefore I seek out my own answers, just as I have always done in life. Only this time, I so so with less anger and frustrations for the #### life I have had to live. I have turned a new leaf and accepting that no matter who the rest of you may be, where I came from before this... I NEED to change my ways, address my angers, issues, and frustrations before I begin to hurt others for their own ignorance to one main thing I have come to realize most is that WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

The hatred I witnessed, as a child, for adults that had sexually exploited children, drove me to hide the activities of my cousins and self, it led me to withdraw from being honest, it pushed me to rebel in many ways, and it flat out drove me to be a mean and unhappy person in many ways. I have never tried to have sex with a child but I have done somethings in my years that haunt me constantly. I have never murder, beat or rape a woman. although have beaten on many men. but there are a million things I have done in my life that I probably could have done without doing. and it's all those things.. mixed with some really ####ty experiences that have brought me to this point in my life.

Although i do not necessarily agree with ALL of what may be written by others I CAN and DO accept that your experiences and analyzation of life as you know it, has allowed you to accept the things you accept. That we are all here by the same methods and process. and with communication and understanding we can and will be able to somehow make this world a better place.

I have fought this "confession" of sins for many many years, due to a very bad experience in my late teenage years i have had one hell of a tuff time for over a decade. I have experienced emotional rollercoaster, self mutilation and abuse, abuse of my friends, my family, and people that I DO LOVE. I am greatful that I have not done more than the things I have in life, but I will tell you that the things i have done thus far, despite the reasoning for them, drive me to depression and suicidal "ponderings".

the suicidal thoughts, are just that... and it's not so much a thought of who would miss me, #### that. not a thought at all. because the things i have experienced have really only ever left me to question the authenticity of this "reality" I am in. I have spent many years "idle" when this anger in me has damn near pushed me to dumping a tank of gas, and dropping the match. Not on innocents, but on those that have betrayed me and my friendship in the name of money. and other FALSE rewards. Those that have allowed their own self righteous bull#### and most likely complete denial of their own sins, to lead them to act out and psuh others to be afraid of them. When the reality I have come to understand and see, is that everyone has something to hide, everyone has demons in them, we are all suseptible to the evil of "experience".

I love myself, I love my spirit, I know what my heart is capable of, I would lie down in front of a train to save a life, and would just as easily fly a plane into the trade towers if i absolutely had to prove a point. But one more thing life has taught me is that violence is not the answer, and lets face it... acts of terror do nothing more than distort and distract from the true root of the problems, leaving nothing to be resolved and only fuel further violence.

.....


In short. I am tired of ignoring my surroundings, my past, and my present, while charging through this china shop.
I have only ever wanted to be happy in life, love, and live life to the fullest while helping whomever I can along the way.
It would seem that my childhood and teenage experiences have really destroyed my future, and the only way to alter this emptiness I see ahead, is to look back at the destruction behind me, and somehow use the experiences I have, to find like minded people, and hopefully together make change happen.

I am OK with the things I have done in my life. But I am not ok with where it has brought me, or what others have to go through because of men like myself, that seem to be bred by flaws in the "system" -almost intentionally-.

the bottom line is that i am not so much concerned with my position on this "planet" any longer. but since I am here and i wont commit suicide... it's time for me to step up, become a part of the change, using my experiences to help others and vice versa (because THAT is what it is about)

If anything in this post makes sense to you. please respond. or message me.