I'm eighteen, and for most of my life I have battled deep feelings of despair and fury, a lot of the time it seemed like everyone hated me, my family, my teachers, every kid at my school. I was bullied and beaten up since the time I was six, people only stopped trying to hurt me physicaly when I reach 5"11, but even after the physical violence stopped I could not walk 100 meters at my school without someone ridiculing me for no reason. I don't know why they hated me, I tried to be nice, I tried to be good, but it got me nowhere, so I decided to be bad. I went around looking for fights just so that I could feel better about myself for a little while, even if it was only because anger feels nicer than sadness. I learned to keep a tight hold on my feelings so that people wouldn't know how much they hurt me, I can count on my hands the amout of times I have cried in public, even when people threw me down concrete stairs or laughed at the times when I collapsed writhing in agony.

It wasn't until I was fourteen hat I made real friends who didn't just use me to sate there own loneliness or trick me into thinking I was friends with them only to laugh at me with there friends. These friends were all people considered to be freaks, like me, of course our status as freaks meant we could do whatever we liked, I am great friends with all of them till this day, we have so much fun together, the world looks at us funny but we just laugh at them. I have a wonderful fiance who makes me feel loved and cherished even when I am at my worst.

So why am I losing control? I used to be able to just push all the hurt away and get on with life, but now I can't even think about my childhood without having to fight off the tears, and I can't stop thinking about my childhood, every time I am alone or something reminds me of school or someone insults me I start remebering and it hurts so damn much and I just wish I could forget!!! Anything can make me cry now, it doesn't matter if I am in public the tears just flow, and sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying, sometimes I am crying because I can't stop crying and I hate crying, it makes me seem weak!

I am pretty sure I am depressed, but surely someone would have noticed by now, I had counsellors at school but they didn't seem to notice anything unusual, my mum and my brother have it but they never notice it in me, even my fiance doesn't notice, but thats probably because I try extra hard not to cry in front of him without passing it off as PMS. It just seems that everyone thinks I am ok, that I don't feel, that its fine to tease me and ridicule me because I wont care but I do, I care so damn much, every time someone decides to hate me or ignore me it cuts a little bit deeper and I can't even get into a conversation with someone I don't know because I am afraid they won't like me. I fear rejection so bad that I didn't even talk to people unless I had to since changing schools and leaving all my friends at my old school.

Can anyone help me, or tell me what I should do, cause I just don't know anymore. I don't want my mum knowing I feel like this, she will probably get mad at me for being depressed and yell at me to get over myself like she does to my brother.