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I'm not sure, but I think it's the chantix. Every since I started taking it, old memories -- and feeling -- have been bubbling up. Things from my rather unfortunate childhood that I'd pushed aside and ignored. Well, I'm not ignoring them lately. I've been reliving things as if they were yesterday. I feel like the same scared, hurt, degraded and angry kid I was 25 years ago. Not "lost memories" or anything, just memories I didn't care to think about, and feelings I had shut out.

Some of you may know what I mean. When feelings are too bad, and you're too young to deal with them, you eventually just stop. You just stop caring, at all. You stop feeling some things, because that's the only solution. Just don't feel. Well, lately I've been feeling. All that old stuff. All that hurt and anger. The chantix warning said it can cause depression or aggression, so I'm thinking it's related to that. I don't know. To be honest, though, I think it's beneficial. I never dealt with this stuff, and keeping feelings bottled up inside makes you . . . I don't know, messed up in different ways.

About 8 or 9 years ago I tried to go to a therapist, but it wasn't working out. I had shut out most of life, to be safer, and was basically living to work and hack and drink. Little in the way of dangerous human interaction. So we didn't have current experiences to work with. And I wasn't going to share old ones, because "I don't want to deal with that mess." Easier that way.

Well, I quit the drinking shortly after I quit the therapy, which was a few months later. (Since I wasn't going to talk, the therapist couldn't fix me, so there was no point in going.) But I still never dealt with any of it. "Just let it lie where it is. Don't mess with it. It's too much of a mess." was kind of how I thought of it. I think it's better to let those feelings happen though, so I have been. Whether it's the chantix or some other trigger, I feel like I should deal with feelings (and the lack of feelings) that result from abuse.

I've just been reliving, basically, an incident from around 25 years ago that I had just shut off right after it happened. I feel better, honestly, for having let myself experience the negative feelings associated with it. There are others, but the feelings from those times are really gross.

So, anyway, I went looking for a recovery related forum to blabber about it on. Has anyone else had experiences with this stuff? Chantix, I mean. Is this resultant of the drug (trying to stop smoking), or is it just time? I know that I felt better after the near melt-down the sent me to the therapist 10 years ago. I had shut out so many feelings of the years prior, that I really didn't feel much, at all. Once I let some of it out, I felt very relieved, and much more alive. I suppose I should have stuck it out, it was just to frightening. Anyway, I think I'll feel better if I let some of this stuff flow, so to speak. The last advice the therapist had given me was, "You need to get in touch with your feelings." Haha. Yeah, problem is they're all kinda bad. Well, without the bad, you don't get the good, either.

I think that's all. I think I'll start a journal of these things to get them off my chest.
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