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I was a hand-grenade that never stopped exploding…
You were automatic
&& as hollow as a human god.
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Sadie
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Greensboro, NC
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Joined: 2-June 07
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Last Seen: 29th June 2008 - 05:58 AM
Local Time: Jan 16 2018, 08:29 AM
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Sadie

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14 Dec 2007

wow, i havn't been here in a while. i dont really know what im trying to talk about other than i have a lot of things built up inside.
well, i finally got some help, for free and i didn't even know i could. Things with my fear of death got so bad that i was not sleeping for days and i started buying things over the counter to try to go to sleep.
It was crazy, i was so tired, but the second i would start to fall asleep my heart would start racing and i was wide awake. i started to wonder if that would be the rest of my life. That it was a trap, like i will never get out and counting every second until i die. It was terrible. Nothing would work to get me to sleep, i tried over the counter sleeping pills but they made me jittery and i didnt sleep. i tried all natural pills like Melotonin or something like that and it didnt work. i tried "Sleep MD" and it made everything flashy and i was too freaked out to sleep.
So i got the idea to start taking shots of Vodka to fall asleep. Worked like a charm because i couldnt feel my heart racing and i was able to fall asleep. i just started feeling really sick and everything would spin, but i would rather feel that than what i was going through and after about 5 mins i was out like a light. But you can't go on like that. i was afraid my liver would shut down from drinking every night and not only that but it made me feel so terrible during the day. i was having to take so much ibuprofen for headaches and i was so groggy and just felt like crap. i have to be able to function at my job its the most important thing in my life.
Finally i looked in the phone book and found like government mental health or something...i dont really remember what it was but they are letting me go there for free.
They started me on Zoloft and Ambien. The zoloft has helped me Soooo much, but i have lost a total of 16 lbs because i can't keep food down and i get really sick. Everyone is telling me i look sick and it sucks.
i only had to take the Ambien for the first 10 days and i have been going to sleep fine ever since. Its funny, i was freaking out because Ambien is so expensive and they let me only fill the first 10 pills in the 30 day supply so i only had to pay for those but i have never gone back to fill the rest.
So thats that. i had been taking it for 2 months but having crappy side effects. Which i can deal with over not sleeping and having constant anxiety attacks every day but then last week i couldnt afford to get the prescription filled so i went 5 days without it. Now i am having to start the cycle all over again.
So its been rough and im feeling very moody and depressed. i dont know why im saying it i feel better letting it out just saying that im feeling bad because when you have to go all day long and pretend like you feel fine with a sickening fake smile it just makes you feel like a door with raging fire behind it. Like you're just going to burst out in either tears or rage at the next single thing that happens.
ugh... so thanks for having this site.
Oh and my psychiatrist wrote a letter to my apartments saying that i needed to have a dog for anziety so now i have a dog. He helps so much. Hes really awesome and i adopted him from animal control. They were about to put him to sleep because no one had adopted him yet, so that has helped me a lot too.
well, nice to get this stuff out.
Glenn if you read this i hope your doing well and thank you for everything again smile.gif
5 Jun 2007
Other than being a doctor, i dont know how to tell what is normal in my body and what is not. im always scared about having something bad. and also that what if something really is wrong and i dont go to the doctor, and i am dieing. Then it's too late. That happened to my great uncle, for years he thought he had heartburn, but one day he went to the doctor and it turned out to be cancer and he died two weeks later. i can't imagine, i mean where is he now? i mean he died..but death is so weird, your here and then your body stops... are you still here? Maybe u have a soul and it goes to heaven...maybe thats why i feel like im not a part of my body sometimes. i dont know. Its like a shell that plagues me. If i have a pain in my neck or throat, its throat cancer, if i have a pain in my chest, its a heart attack...if i have a strange pain in my head its a brain tumor or cancer. If i have a sore tooth it could become infected and spread to my brain. If i get dizzy i might have a stroke... if my arm gets numb im having a stroke or a heart attack...if i jumble my words or can't remember something maybe im getting the signs of alzheimers. Muscle twitches could be ALS...muscle pain and swelling could be MD. If i keep getting sick a lot through the year maybe i caught HIV somehow. Swollen glands, maybe i have lymphoma. Ive have every disease and/or cancer. If i get a hot flash i have to check my temp. to see if im sick. i mean, i know people can say im over reacting, but all im saying is that am i really? Because what if one day it really is something and i ignore it and i have one of those things and its too late and i die? How do u know when to ignore it and when to get it checked?
2 Jun 2007
i am 22 years old. im turning to this blog really beacause i feel i have no where else to go. i have no insurance and not much money so i can't afford to see a professional. i have been to see a income-based counsiling center, but it was no help. i waited over a month to get in, literally counting the days and hours when i would finally get some help just to be told that they didnt have much time for one on one counsling but they could give me some meds. i never went back.
anyways, i am so scared to die. i know that everyone is, but its ruling my life. and i can't tell anyone i know. They will just think im crazy. i think i am. i dont want anyone else to know it though. i dont want them to worry about me. i can't stop thinking about dieing. i have had this fear for as long as i can remember but i would only have the episodes every once in a while, when i was younger like maybe not even once a year sometimes. but over the past few years its got worse, and really very bad in the past year. and even more worse in the past week. this week its all i have been thinking about. i cant sleep in my bed because im afraid that i will think about dieing, even though i still think about it when i sleep on the couch, but i guess i feel better a little because i have the tv in here. and i keep it on. but all day at work i have been thinking about it. i thought like two days i would have to act like i was sick and leave. When i think about it at first i just get scared, then its like, i just keep thinking and it goes deeper like, i cant explain the thoughts but its as if this wave of realization comes over me and i truly understand that i am going to die and there is nothing that will help that. my heart beats so so so fast and my hands start shaking and i cry most times and i just keep saying "stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it" over and over until im ok again. until the panic stops. im never ok. It normally only lasts a few seconds, (the panic, the thoughts last all day) but where as it use to only happen once a year or once every few months or once a month, or a week, now its happening many times a day. Like tonight i went to see my sister and her new baby and i didnt want to leave i already started panicing like 30 mins b4 i left because i knew when i got alone in my car i would think about it. i didnt want to go home tonight. i live alone. My boyfriend is at college. i can't tell him anyways because everytime i do he just does not understand, he says there is nothing i can do about it so why worry. but i cant help it, i dont want to die. i dont want to live forever either. i dont know if i believe in god, most times i dont, but then other times i think there is no way there is not something. But i dont want to go to heaven or anywhere else forever and ever and ever and there is never an end. that scares the crap out of me so bad. but i dont want there to be an end either. then i think, how can there be an end? WHats after the end? THere cant just be an end it does not make sense. But how can anything go on forever and ever and ever. im going crazy. i mean really. i would honestly drive myself to the hospital and have myself commited if i didnt have a job and bills i have to pay. i dont know what to do. i want this to stop. its like i dont want to not care that im going to die because ill just let my life pass by and die and not even appriciate it, but then when its happening, i just think i dont care, id rather be ignorant to this. Its no way to live. im so scared all the time. and not of something happening, its just of death in general. im scared to grow old, but im scared to die young. There is nothing i can think of that eases my mind. and now its 5am, and i have to be up by 6:30 for work and i cant sleep. im so tired but cant sleep.
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Glen
Hi Sadie! Good to hear from you. Things are going great for us. How about you? Nice picture!
13 Sep 2007 - 6:01

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