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Dawn
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Joined: 16-December 06
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Dawn

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16 Dec 2006
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My husband and I spent an EXTREMELY stressful past year getting my mom moved in here with us. We went through a horrible construction here of a garage and room over it and gave Mom our master bedroom and bath... a nice size place with its own door and quite a bit of privacy. She could not handle the stairs to get up to the new room and because of the lay of the land, we made the room so my hubby had a place to go when things here were getting too close or girly with mom here. The garage was needed so that we had a place to put Mom's things and to move some of ours out to make room for Mom. She paid for a large part of the construction since it was due to her moving here and we paid quite a bit too. The past year has been horrendous due to legal mistakes she had made, the fact that she had become a hoarder in the last 20 years and insisited on being part of all of the work at her house before moving which slowed everything down. I am an only child so had no real help in getting things done... and I about killed myself on both ends of the project... her house end and doctor visits and my construction end and disabled husband who is not supposed to be under a lot of stress... the stress on top of stress on top of more stress this last summer about broke us up and sent me to the ER with stress related chest pains... Hubby should have been in the hospital also but refused to go.
CODE
So we get her in for two months and things are finally starting to level out some and she decides she does not like some of the needed ways of living here.... such as my hubby is allergic to perfumes, air fresheners, smelly fabric softeners, etc. and her stuff reeks of a rancid mix of them.... I am not allergic but they make me nauseous also.   So we asked her to keep her door to her room closed.... not stay in there just close the door when not coming or going.  Then she wanted to coook a turkey with several side dishes to keep in her room to serve to a few of her friends who would be by on Thanksgiving so she could send food home with them, too.  We had 11 people coming for dinner and 7 staying for three days... Her friends who are mine also were invited to join us and could have shared in with our feast also... which she said they would..... Finally, my exhaustion had taken over and she was told no.... this was after she decided that she could not live here "this way" having to keep her door shut!  I will say here that she has several health issues including almost total blindness and arthritis which keeps her from standing up straight... has lost about 5-6 inches of height, and has such bad numbness in her hands that she drops things all the time... this is just part of it.  So I have to be in the kitchen with her at all times when she is "cooking" and end up doing 95% of it.

So 2 days before Thanksgiving she runs away by calling a cousin to come and get her and says she will not come back here. I was very upset after all the work we did and all the money we spent on an addition we would not have made without her coming. Financially, we are not in good shape now. Physically, we are not in good shape now. Emotionally, we are not in good shape now. Two weeks later she returned home with new agreements between us... and now about a week later she is mad at us again... we are awful to her... she cannot live this way... the drama has returned .... I have suggested assisted living since I am on the edge of a total breakdown and now taking a sedative..... She refuses to go to assisted living because she does not want to.... etc etc. ... says she will get her own rental apartment, on and on.... Is dementia part of it? Probably but how do we know how much? Adult Protective Services says they can do nothing as long as she knows to eat, knows to pay her bills, knows the risks of living alone, etc. Her doctor is really no help.... the agency on aging is not giving me any answers... She is sitting in her room feeling sorry for herself and thinks the "worst day of her life was when she moved in here".... I am really about over the edge ... with a sick Mom and a sick husband and Mom thinking that my husband wants to get rid of her. If I go for guardianship I could well lose and the rift between us will be worse. besides I do not want guardianship with her able to do the things she can still do.... I am worried about Medicaid if she should need it since she poured money into an addition here so she could live here but then is moving out.... She has about $40,000 and with the VA help for the assisted living could probably live there for about 1 year only taking $5,000-$6,000 out of her savings.... and it is such a nice place... I am ready to sign in there for myself and leave her here to live alone at my house! I really am not in good shape... am watching myself do things like burst into tears, shaking, getting sedatives, even bought a bottle of wine the other day and I do not drink. I NEED a BREAK and as long as she is here, I am not getting one.... also my marriage cannot keep from being affected when she thinks my husband is trying to get her out of here and I am such an emotional mess. How do I get her to assisted living for a year or two ? Any ideas...?
Thanks... sorry so long but I am at my wit's end.... [code]Dawn
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6 Jul 2008 - 13:15

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