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> Please Help Me Save My Marriage
sweetgagirl9
post May 19 2012, 05:30 AM
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Please Help me. I really don't know where to start or how much is to much info, but here goes. Oct will make 4 years that we have been married, and now he says that the spark has gone out in our marriage and that he needs a break, and it could be a short break or months he just doesn't know right now. During this break he will live as a single man, but we will get back together. I am not happy with this decision he has made with out even trying to talk about his feelings with me first but who would be. He asked for a divorce first and said some pretty hurtful things to me (over the phone ) .I feel like when you marry someone then your no longer able to pick and choose when to be single and when to be married, am I wrong for this?This has basically all came about because he does not know how to balance his marriage and his friendship which we have talked about and he has admitted to that. When he meets a new friend he spends all the time he can with them While I am at home cleaning cooking whatever needs to be done. Here recently he has made a new friend ( my brother ) that he works with from 7am to 4pm then when they come home they honestly sit up and do guy things working on the truck playing cards fishing whatever they feel like till 2 am this went on daily for 2 weeks. I asked my husband over 4 times in one day to please set aside some time for me because I would like to speak to him. No fighting or anything I just wanted to see what was new in his life how his job was going stuff like that. Well I guess since he figured I only wanted to have small talk with him it wasn't that important so he never got around to it . I waited another week for him to give me time, but no luck. Then I made the mistake of saying that I needed to help my mother out with a few things and would spend the weekend with her which in his mind translated to I'm mad at him for being with his friends and I'm moving in with my mother to get back at him. Well he gets mad and takes off. I try to call him that afternoon I didn't know he was still mad.He tells me then he is done he is tired of fighting and he wants a divorce and that he was moving out. Well 2 days go by without speaking. Then he finally decides while I was getting more of my stuff ( yes I'm the one who left ) that he would tell me everything about the break. He always turns every argument to my fault and I always feel guilty about it so when we make up its always on his terms. For example he does not like me to read books because I ignore him while I read So i stop reading. I don't like him putting friends before me and ask for him to give me 1 day a week that is just for me and our daughter to be a family. I stop with the books, but he doesnt stop with his friends.When he is gone from the house and I try to sneak in a couple chapters and he comes in seeing me read he gets angry with me even though the house is clean and nothing else needs to be done and I was home alone hurting no one. Now I have let him turn all of our fights into its all my fault and I have worked very hard to change myself into a better person for him, because I am not perfect and if I have a flaw that's annoying to him like being jealous then I want to fix that.Now that I have had a couple days with out seeing him or speaking to him. I wrote myself a letter of our marriage when it was good when it went bad just to try to see if I could see when we went down hill. Then for the first time in 4 years I notice. If I was reading this as a novel I more then likely would not root for his character lol. I understand now that It is not only my fault it is also his fault. I see he is being childish and selfish, and maybe I am also. I also see that I love my husband very much and this is nothing but a rut then I'm sure every new marriage has went through sometime or another . This isn't cause for a divorce this can be fixed very easily. Maybe a date night or maybe during the week friend leave by 7 then the rest of the night could be reserved for just family who knows, but he doesn't want to speak about our problems still. I don't want to let him live the single life for a month or however long while I just wait for him to decide that he is ready to have his family back. To me that sounds like maybe he want's to keep me to the side in case his new plan doesn't work then he can fall back on me.Maybe I am childish on that maybe I should let him take the time if he needs it?I'm really not sure what to do we are both young in our 20's and still have a fairly new marriage. I do know that I feel like I would fight through anything to be with him, but not sure if he would fight just as hard. I know that we have to stop with this divorce card every time something doesn't go as we plan. As far as the spark being lost it's hard to make the other feel wanted loved needed or anything if you never have time with someone. What should I do? I don't know how to get him to actually sit down to speak to me for one. He doesn't like to talk about feelings or conflicts and I also don't know how to say my feelings to him without making him feel like I'm putting all the blame on him.I don't know if maybe I should just let him go no matter how much I love him, because him being away all the time is hurtful to me and my daughter. I kind of feel like I went from best friend to wife to roommate now to maid. Trust me his friends leave me a huge mess to clean the next day by the time I get the house clean its time to cook and here comes the friends again making another mess.
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suzancloud
post Jun 1 2012, 04:09 AM
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try this link www.powerfulpelebe.webs.com
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gardensparrow
post Jun 1 2012, 11:49 AM
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Oh, what a tough situation you're in! But, it really sounds like you do want to save your marriage and stop this divorce from proceeding.

So, I think a good way to slow things down and work through some of the issues that brought you and your husband to this place is to get involved in some counseling. Is that something you two have ever considered? It really can make a huge difference in a marriage! Of course, I realize it can be hard finding someone in your area and cost can be an issue. So, I know from my time at Focus on the Family that they have free counseling (1-855-771-HELP) available over the phone. They can also give you referrals to therapists in your area if you're interested. Just something to keep in mind.

Of course, I realize that your husband might not be willing to put the effort into your marriage that you are. If that's the case, there's a book called Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson that you might want to get a hold of. I think it provides some good guidance on how to respond to a spouse who wants to leave a marriage.

Well, I hope some of this information is helpful and you're able to turn your marriage around. I'll be praying for you!
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movinggreen
post Jul 4 2012, 10:18 PM
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I am sorry to hear that!!
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episkopos
post Aug 19 2012, 09:18 PM
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When was the last time you went on a date together? That might be a good opportunity to get to him and discuss what's going on.
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