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> Still Trying To Heal 23 Yrs Later
FearInMyHeart
post Mar 27 2012, 06:07 AM
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I was sexually abused as a child, it started when I was 7 years old and it continued until I was between 9 and 10 years old. It was my uncles and when my parents finally found out because they walked in on him. They basically blew it off, nothing was ever done. Because they said not to talk about it because he was unable to complete what he had tried to do (which would have turned it in to rape). I saw no difference; it was still a memory of things that should have never happened to a child. I remember my dad's side of the family saying I wanted it that is why it was ok. They did not understand what this did to me as a child, what do you do when the people that are supposed to protect you turn their backs on you.

Now I am a mother and I have that fear in my heart that something will happen to one of my children, they have never met my father side of the family and they rarely see their paternal grandfather. This is my choice. I am shaking and crying while I write this I have never spoken about this to anyone, but I need to get it out. When my oldest daughter was between 6-7 I started getting a phobia of something bad happening to her, something I could not protect her from and I am terrified of this becoming a reality. Now my daughter is 8 as of last month. And I recently started having vivid nightmares of her being abused and me not being able to stop it or to even get help. I wake up sobbing then I get ill and begin to vomit. In my dreams I am fighting my father because he allowed it to happen, in my dream I am fighting my way out trying to protect my daughter, but I couldn't she relived what happened to me and I become a failure.

I don't know what to do, my heart cannot handle these nightmares, I do not know how to begin to heal. I thought I had gotten past this and then it is like subconsciously a date or milestone triggers these nightmares and fears all over again. I don't know who to talk to about it so I found this site, praying that it may help.

Thank you for listening.
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cluelessgal
post Mar 27 2012, 12:29 PM
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I can only imagine your nightmare....but believe me, i understand it. your father should have definitely reported the matter to the police. generally, in our mind, when a victim survives an attack, people for some reason don't hold the perpetrator as guilty as in case of where the attack succeeds. for example...if i murder is committed, the murderer is viewed much more guilty than in an attack where the person doesn't succeed in committing the crime. people don't understand that the crime was still committed, irrespective of the result.

your father's reaction is VERY wrong. would he have chosen to ignore the whole thing if your uncle was trying to kill you. did he understand the implications that once a rapist, always a rapist. if not you, he would have definitely tried to rape someone else. he viewed this is protecting the 'honor' of the family. either ways, your father was wrong to take it so lightly.

secondly, regarding what your father's family says that you asked for it...it's a very common thing most sex offenders say to make themselves look less guilty....the victim asked for it....they acted that way...blah blah BS. you tell me...can a 7 yr old ask for sex?? you are right in saying that an adult is supposed to protect you and your so-called uncle broke that test.

coming to your actual problem...it's very obvious what you are feeling....mothers relive their life through their daughters and now that she's 8, you are reliving that nightmare in full force....i think it is PTSD (sorry, im not an expert). my only solution is to enter therapy. from what i understand...you never went to a therapist to overcome your trauma. enter therapy. they would really help you recover it. without it, you never will trust ppl. and NEVER let your daughter meet your father's family. cut them off completely from your life.

good luck!
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Dolly57
post Apr 12 2012, 11:57 AM
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Please don't cut off your cousins...if they are no long teens. My cousin, cut me out of her life, unaware that I was also abused by my dad, that abused her, many years earlier,because of a death in the family the truth came out...I brought it up. I asked why I was cut out too. She told me I might ask questions..she wanted to die with the secret. When she found out I was abused, she kinda still keeping her distance, and my dad just died...no one protected me.
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