I Need Help, Teenagers Options

[Craiggi]

I need some help, I'm 29 fell in love with a woman who has 3 kids we have lived together for a while and now we have a son, which would make her 4th.

Nowadays the 12 year old girl - I'm really strugling to get along with which is turnng an already overprotective mum against me I'm at a loss with the whole thing. They all know how to wind me up which all kids do if were honest.

They all throw rubbish on the floor, cut meat off a bone for the 12 year old, run them arround everywhere, I don't get please thank you or anything like respect.

I lost my job 6 months ago (July) I don't have any money I have bill come out of places that I just have no money for.

First things first please help me.

[Concernedfather2...]

I had a similar situation with a girlfriend and her 4 yr old. Altho I am strict I just asked for respect and please and thank you and that he obey me and his mother or else have consequinces. Since then we have broke up but for other reasons we weren't compatible. But on giving my two cents here it goes. She told me after we broke up that her son told her he was afraid of me and that was the most hurtful thing to her she said she could ever hear. Well I have seen and spent alittle time with her and her son and he missed me ALOT and wanted nothing but to hang out with me and play do fun stuff. I may have set rules for him givin him a spankin and sent him to his room but he respects me and we know how to have fun now and with respect and structure. I wanted to say to her when he was giving me a huge hug "doesn't seem so scared of me". Anyways she agreed to let me give him structure and displine and she didn't like seeing him get a spankin and felt bad "but". I gaurantee even tho were still not together I've given that kiddo structure in his life and he knows now there are rules and consequences for his actions.

I think it would be impossible if she didn't agree to be able to do that. If your wife or gf doesn't agree that they need to learn manners and have displine and structure in there life with rules and consequences then you have a hard road ahead of you. I would sit down when the gf or wife when the kids aren't around or asleep and explain how you feel and what you think. And say, I don't wanna fight or argue I want to have a discussion like adults and listen to each others side of the story. If you can both come to an agreement on some type of action that will satisfy you and her then you have steps and steps is progress. Alittle at a time is not a bad thing, you both need to understand each others feelings and be considerate of what the other thinks and feels. If she doesn't wanna do anything to help you feel better and be a more respectful parent with respectful kids then that might not be the best relationship for you. If it was me I'd try sitting down and talking to her like I explained before without any threats or any consequences of if she doesn't do this I'll do this stuff. If she doesn't wanna come to some kind of agreement in making progress then I might consider couples therapy. If she does not understand the way you are explaining yourself maybe a professional would be better at explaining how you feel and how to come to some sort of an agreement. If that's not a option or she doesn't want to go I would personally consider seperating for awhile. And I say that because putting yourself in a situation where you can become angry and lose your temper can lead to bad things. Including Domestic Violence inwhich you go straight to jail if you even lay a hand on her or the kids in a angrily manner. Also depression and a household that is just unhealthy.

If you stayed and didn't take any action then I would say she doesn't respect or love you enough to change so therefore if it was me. I'd say see ya later.

Hope this helps alittle.

Ryan

[katystar]

You can talk this sentiments or problems to your partner about the kids. And would be alright to discipline the kids alongside her of course. If it's okay then talk to the kids and give them rules and punishments when they break those rules. You should follow through those punishments when they do something strong so that the kids will know that are serious with the rules. Stay strong and be level headed.

[kurro]

Remember, the most important is real talk,

[automeris]

Your partner has a previous commitment to her three children, which must supercede her relationship with you. You have to accept that. Also, you are not a parent to them. You are an adult friend, in a similar position as a teacher or a coach or a favourite uncle, who is also a housemate and their equal in that respect, if you have moved into their house. And that "friend" distinction is not given automatically, but must be earned.

If you have problems with neatness or decorum, as kurro said, talk with them. You can also talk with them and their mother, raising the issues you have and suggesting rules for the household. I'm not sure what the comment about cutting meat off the bone means, but if the entire family is more comfortable with clutter than you are, then maybe you will have to adapt. You can't force your values on them. Certainly if you move in and try to tell them they can't run around their own house you won't be too popular. Respect is a two-way street. The only thing you can do is give respect, for your part. The rest is up to them. And yet I find that kids are most often willing to give respect.

It is possible that the fact that you are out of work has influenced your mood and made you less good company than you are wont to be. If that is the case, that is a separate issue you need to address. You can't be taking out your frustrations on your housemates, whatever their ages. You say that these kids, and all kids, seem to have the ability to wind you up. Part of being the adult is not to be wound up. Your partner needs another adult, she doesn't need you to be a fifth child she needs to adjudicate squabbles among.

Find out what the kids expect of you, and how you aren't measuring up. Find you what your partner expects of you with respect to her three older kids, and how you are not measuring up. Let them know you are going to make an effort to change, and ask for their help letting you. Then change. Respect from the kids will follow.