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> Confusion, Husband cares for family more than us
Karen
post Aug 28 2006, 12:28 PM
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I came to Australia 8 months ago from America to marry the man I'd been in love with and lived with in Texas for almost two years. When I got here we lived with my husband's 60 year old brother for 6 months, as well as my husband's 17 year old daughter.
My husband hadn't seen any of his family in 6 years. Our first big conflict came when the daughter, who is almost 18 years old and won't do anything to better herself, found a 16 year old boyfriend and my husband felt it was right to set her up so she could have sex with her friend in her own room. Because I objected strongly the brother planted it in my husband's head that I was jealous of my step daughter and "in competition" with her. So my husband jumped all over me. Telling me I'm in another world now and things are different here and I was wrong.
Of course that devestated me, made me doubt myself and everything I've ever stood for. So I went to the internet cafe and researched permissiveness in parents and the effects on children and brought confirmation back that it is not good to allow immature children to do anything they want.
Apparently that wasn't even considered by my husband, even tho' he acted like he read it.
My stepdaughter told my husband's family and my husband that she wanted to get a job and a life here in Australia, she's from New Zealand, so we spent a lot of money we could have used to build our house getting her set up in a home so she 'could' find work. She's done nothing but stay on the internet and sleep all day. Well, till recently, now she's going back to New Zealand because she didn't really want to work, she wanted all daddy could and would give her, and until I caught her out on her 6, 3, 2 and 1 hour phone calls to a guy in Sydney she was doing whatever she wanted when she wanted and smirking at me and my husband refused to see she was not nice to me behind his back. When I talked to her about the dangers of strangers on the internet I told her that I was only doing it because I cared. She flippantly said, "Well, don't care about me!
I told him about the phone calls. I've told him about the faces made at me and the snide little remarks and he never said a word to her. Yet he will jump at me about short phone calls to his own family that I make.
No matter what his brother does, he was 'very' rude and mean to me, and what his daughter does, he does not say a word to either of them. It's like he either loves them too much to talk to them, or he doesn't care that much about me that he would rather jump me than them.
I don't understand why it's so easy for me to be in the wrong instead of dealing with the wrong 'they' do. HELP
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Glen
post Aug 28 2006, 12:58 PM
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I'm confused, too. There are so many things going on, here, it's hard to put your finger on just one. There's the "married-vs-living together" dynamic, where all the childhood programming of what marriage should look like comes out as soon as the ring goes on. You both have different ideas of what marriage should be. There's the "got to show my brother I'm the man of my family." dynamic. Be careful with this one...men who fall into this kind of stuff have very fragile egos. Best not to challenge his decisions, especially in front of others. Finally, the "daddy's little girl" dynamic. Fortunately, this dynamics on it's way to New Zealand, so, no worries.
Critical decision point for you is, did you mean it when you said "for better or worse?" You'll be able to weather the storm if you're committed to making your marriage work. His daughter's development is complete...function or dysfunction, accept that you have no power over her life and no responsibility how it turns out. If you back off, you may have a golden opportunity to help guide her when she hits the wall later.
As to your marriage relationship, I don't think this is a sign that your husband loves others more and you less. You just haven't seen him under these influences before. If you're patient and give up on some of your expectations for now, I believe things will shake out. Every successful marriage I've seen has had a rough start as each person tries to get their own expectations met first. Once at least one of you realizes someone has to give up their expectations of marriage to accept the reality of marriage, then you'll be headed toward the true joy of marriage.
When I get to counsel people on the marriage relationship, I use the example of 2 people becoming one. If it were 2 bodies, then there would be extra arms, legs, heads, etc. that would need to come off. Marriage is a process of losing things you thought were important to gain what's really important. It would be painful to have your arm removed...even by someone who loves you, but if two are becoming one, two arms have to go. Instead of arms and legs, marriage takes 2 wills, 2 sets of expectations, 2 sets of emotions and 2 minds and makes them one. Losing these things is sometimes more painful than losing a leg. The process is long and painful before you see any real results, but, after almost 20 years of marriage, I can promise you, the results are well worth whatever sacrifice I made at the beginning. I wish the same success for you.
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Karen
post Aug 28 2006, 01:10 PM
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Thank you Glen,

Yes, I meant it when I said for better or for worse. Just didn't realize how 'worse' worse could be. And I know you're right about everything you've said. I have tried to back off and let things be, I know Jae is not my responsibility, but caring is hard for me 'not' to do.

Thank you again for your prompt reply, I needed a little encouragement this morning. God Bless, and I will do my best to follow your advice.

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