I came to this forum as I feel very sad, since I was born I have had to deal with my dad and other family members abusive drinking patterns (mostly male relatives). I come from a deprived sort of area and a dysfunctional family and I guess I was brought up amidst poverty and urban, social deprivation.
When I became a teen I withdrew from life and I live like some sort of hermit even to this day and I'm almost forty. I feel like I prefer social isolation but at the same time I don't as I crave human company. But I'm too sensitive and irritable to get along with most people I meet. I don't blame others for this as it something insdie me that causes the problem and not the other way around.
A great deal of my life I've felt very tense and depressed and anxious and I smoke far too much to cope with that.
Anyway I've had my own problems with alcohol and had some trouble with the law over that but I'm a conscientous person so I have taken great pains to just stop and although I still take the odd drink if I go to a rare party or event I don't drink regularly. Months will go by and no drink and at Christmas for example I only drank two glasses of wine on christmas day and a bottle of beer. This is a change from binge drinking on ten pints or more and getting into difficulties.
What has made me sad is my brother is a drug addict and I constantly fall in with him but then fall out as I can't cope with him. He's very aggresive and very criminal and he's addicted to class A drugs. I'm afraid of drugs and always have been. I tried cannabis as a teenager myself but it made me paranoid and I had to go and ask the doctors advice as I got in a muddle over it and it had an effect on me that he called psychomania that lasted a few weeks before it left me in peace. It literally affected my mind in a way that was detrimental to my mental balance and reasoning. So I've never taken any other drug as the consequences always terrified me before I even began. And coming from my background I feel that is at least some type of achievment as heroin addiction is rife in my area.
What has made me sad is that I had fallen out with my brother and I wanted to not get in touch as I don't think he is a good person to know even though I do love him. But i'm so soft and innefectual at saying no and bsides I am afraid of him as he has a history of serious criminal violence.
He hates my father as he blames him specifically as the root cause of his becoming a drug addict with no thought for the idea that this area is notrorious for drug dealing and drug addiction and so he came to my house today and informed me he is going cut my dad up with a knife the first chance he get's. What could I say to this psychopath about something as appalling and evil as that ? Alone in my home faced with him I don't have the courage to tell him he makes me sick with his bullying and his threats (he has made threats before and caused months of pain for us all) and to get the hell out. He once tried to extort a thousand pounds from me and left threats of GBH on my phone if i didn't pay and that was very stressful as his house got robbed and as I was supposed to be keeping an eye on his home at the time although i should have refused the responsibility he took it into his head I should pay for the actions of burglars.
I promised him I would come and look at a PC for him and so he then went away after the unexpected threats against my dad. I went to look at the PC hoping he was just in a temporary mood and could be talked around but getting there I was dismayed to find him sitting with crack cocaine and a pipe and he was supposed to be doing well on the methadone programme (if that is possible as it is still addiction).
Anyway what made me sad and also very angry is that he offered me crack cocaine. And the reason he offered me it is because he is so sick and so spiteful that he wanted me to say yes to bring me to addiction just like him. This hurts and is painful and I have been wishing all day that I could just get away, just leave town and go away where I don't have to deal with my family and the rubbish that dog talks constanlty and my shoddy relations with my family in general.
But of course I would be swapping one form of miserable isolation for another and so what's the point ? I just wish I wasn't so gutless and could keep malign influences like my brother out of my life for good. Any ideas or am I hoping after impossible dreams ? I really do despise hima t times and you know I wish he was in prison as at least then I know we are guaranteed some peace for the duration fo his sentence. How sick is that but honestly at times I feel I wish he wasn't alive.