IPB
Infinite Menus, Copyright 2006, OpenCube Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )


 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Inappropriate friendships
Rating 5 V
susan07
post Aug 2 2006, 01:55 AM
Post #1


Newbie
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 2-August 06
From: Pretoria
Member No.: 9



Hi I need some input from other members. What do you do when your husband starts to become interested in members of the opposite sex after thirt seven years of happy marriage?

Our problems started when we joined a church cell group that had a number of widows as mwmbers. My husband warmed to them instantly and went out of his way to be friendly towards them. In the beginning it didn't bothet me until I noticed how they flirted with him and how he would neglect me at church functions to be with them and to sit next to them. He was also very friendly with other women at church and liked to chat with them whenever he could, again leaving me alone

When I told him of my feelings he said he only felt sorry for them and that I should trust as he would never be unfaithful. When I persisted in feeling threatened he said I was needlessly jealous and should get over it.Eventually we left the cell group and he did cool his friendhip with these ladies, but one widow in particular keeps contacting us and has sent me sms messages saying how precious my husband is and that I should appreciate him as I was lucky to be married to him.

Although we did discuss boundaries in his relationships with other women, my husband is still very friendly towards other women at church and will for insatnce join them when they're making tea and stay to chat for some time as if they're old buddies. He has told me he finds the ideas of setting boundaries too new age for his liking and is only being friendly and I should accept his behaviour.

As I said at the beginning, this behaviour only started to manifest itself about four yaers ago, perhaps because of the availability of a number of lonely and friendly widows. I feel all these friendships are impacting on our personal relationship, because he's just not there for me in public as he's always too busy socialising with other women (not men mind you).
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Glen
post Aug 2 2006, 09:02 AM
Post #2


Administrator
****

Group: Root Admin
Posts: 1,431
Joined: 22-July 06
Member No.: 1



Hi! On the one hand, I see the length of your relationship and think..."what is she worried about?" On the other hand, how has your relationship lasted so long with your husband ignoring your sincere concerns? The best advice I can give you is to continue to communicate in a non-judgmental way. Accusing or condemning may bring about the very thing you fear. On the other hand (I have a lot of hands, today), he does need to know how you feel. Try an "I Message" to communicate your feelings without making accusations.
For example: "When you leave me and go spend time with other women, it makes me feel like I'm not as interesting or attractive to you as they are, like I'm someone who needs to be escaped and like I'm unable to satisfy you any more." Be honest and focus your statement on your feelings, not his actions. After that, let it go and let him decide whether he wishes to protect your feelings or dismiss or ignore them. Because he's a guy, it may take several attempts over as many weeks to finally get through to him.
I hope this helps.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
susan07
post Aug 7 2006, 04:27 AM
Post #3


Newbie
*

Group: Members
Posts: 2
Joined: 2-August 06
From: Pretoria
Member No.: 9



Thanks for your prompt reply. I know what you're saying is true. My husband and I had a frank conversation this morning and I told him that I want back what we had four years ago. I think circumstances played a big role in how he changed. When we cam einto close contact with those widows in our cell group, I think my husband learnt how to relate to women in a more personal and confident way. The problem was confounded that he felt very protective towards one of them as her husband who committed suicide was also a close friend of ours. In other words, we were friends of this widow and her husband before he died. After her husband's death, my husband just wanted to be there for her, so he was always seeking her out at church and talking to her. The relationship between them became very friendly, they were at ease with one another, could talk at length, joked with one another and actually had a very playful relationship. In actual fact, to me it looked as if they were flirting with one another and that's when I started to tell him to cool the relationship. Another friend of mine in the cell group told me she would also be concerned if she were me.

To be brief, however, I did say taht he has backed off from this friendship (I think) , but it was very hard convincing him that his attitude towards women in general has changed. I kept feeling that he promised one thing and then did whatever he had done in the past when the occasion arose. Let's face it, men (humans) are flattered if they find that the opposite sex likes talking to him.

For anyone else in a similar situation let me just say that you have to keep communicating how you feel as these problems won't just go away by themselves, both partners must be committed towards establishing and keeping within mutually agreed barriers. That's where I am now. Ironically enough, I have been counselling a female student about exactly the same problem she has with her boyfriend who was still seeing his ex-wife as well as his ex-girlfriend. Her boyfriend waa finally made to see that he needed to break off the other relationships and listen to what she really wanted.She told me that her boyfriend has made an 180 degree change and that their relationship is much improved. At least my sad experience has helped me gain enough insight into these problems so that I can help other people.

I told my husband how greatful this student was about the advice i'd given her and added that it takes a special man to want to change if he wants to help rebuild a relationship. I know you may say I'm nagging but how else do you get your husband to realise that he needs to change his behaviour. For me actions speak louder than words, but I must add that I'm an optimist and I always keep hoping that things will change till the next time.I've also asked my husband to tell me how I can make him happy and all he said was that I should believe that he really wants to change.

Regards
Susan07
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
Glen
post Aug 7 2006, 05:51 AM
Post #4


Administrator
****

Group: Root Admin
Posts: 1,431
Joined: 22-July 06
Member No.: 1



Hi! Sounds like things are improving. It also sounds like you two have a very good relationship, given that you are able to discuss such things. As long as you're sharing your feelings and not a judgement of him, it won't come across as nagging.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 16th January 2018 - 04:45 PM
IPS Driver Error

IPS Driver Error

There appears to be an error with the database.
You can try to refresh the page by clicking here