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entry Jul 6 2007, 12:35 PM
We've all heard them...blood is thicker than water...nothing is more important than family...yada, yada, yada. What is it that makes almost everyone in the human race believe that no matter what a family member does, we have to be all chummy? It's amazing to me that a family member can be a convicted unrepentant violent felon and everybody's just supposed to make nice.
What if a family member has taken advantage of this relationship and robbed you, beat you, sexually abused you and hasn't even given you the satisfaction of an acknowledgement, let alone apology? Some people believe you just have to pretend nothing happened and let bygones be bygones. For some of us who have been abused, that's like the rest of the family just abused us all over again.
Look, I'm all for forgiveness...it's real important for our recovery, but that doesn't mean we have to set ourselves up to have our wounds reopened by the very people who made those wounds in the first place. If a family member has hurt you and being around them is too traumatic, don't be around them. If the rest of the family can't accept that and won't let it go...don't be around them either. One of the cool things about being a grown up is the ability to choose who you want to spend time with. Frankly, there is too little time to spend any of it with toxic people, family or not.

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post Jul 10 2007, 04:02 PM
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and so what happens if your not a grown-up?


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I have spread my dreams under your feet, tread softly cause you tread on my dreams...

"Can sins ever be forgiven?"
"I've never tried" "you mean never tried? well im gonna Try!"~Cloud and Vincent Final Fantasy VII advent children
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post Jul 10 2007, 07:55 PM
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QUOTE(OneThousandTears @ Jul 10 2007, 04:02 PM)
and so what happens if your not a grown-up?


Well, in most cases, the parent will decide who you see and don't see. In your case, if a parent does what he's done in the past, hopefully, you'll be ready to turn him in...then, maybe you'll have more control over which relatives you see.
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post Sep 1 2007, 09:03 AM
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Glen, thank you for writing this.

I don't know if your familiar with the famous japanese print by Katsushika Hokusai called "The Wave". I think it's about abusive relationships, confrontation, violence. Water rises up to beat down on water, which then rises up to beat down on... Particularly I love to look at the earlier version of this print by the same artist titled "Fuji Seen from the Sea" where the wave, instead of crashing violently down onto the boat of people, transforms into birds that are free to fly away into a peaceful sky.

When I compare these two prints, I think of what is is like to stay in abusive relationship, doing what is expected, what is dictated by the pattern previously set before you were even born vs. what it is like to break free and soar upward without limits.
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post Sep 1 2007, 09:13 AM
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QUOTE(Aum @ Sep 1 2007, 10:03 AM)
Glen, thank you for writing this.

I don't know if your familiar with the famous japanese print by Katsushika Hokusai called "The Wave". I think it's about abusive relationships, confrontation, violence. Water rises up to beat down on water, which then rises up to beat down on... Particularly I love to look at the earlier version of this print by the same artist titled "Fuji Seen from the Sea" where the wave, instead of crashing violently down onto the boat of people, transforms into birds that are free to fly away into a peaceful sky.

When I compare these two prints, I think of what is is like to stay in abusive relationship, doing what is expected, what is dictated by the pattern previously set before you were even born vs. what it is like to break free and soar upward without limits.


Nice Illustration!
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post Sep 18 2007, 12:05 PM
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Great view of self protection and self enpowerment. None of us can ever fill up the selfish void of soul that toxic people are forced to endure. They are trapped in resentment and failure so dragging down others is a companionship activity for them. Years ago we called them "mental vampires" because of their ability to SUCK all life and joy and hope away. Rather than accept and support others they are famous for spreading division and stress to whoever is trapped with them, like their kids. Those who are not actual friends themselves sure parade their friendship "advice" often. Those who have no ability to accept their own failures often are the self proclaimed experts in explaining what is wrong with this cousin, that aunt, etc. All people have to find coping skills in this world and being cruel to someone who values your opinion is easy, especially when that someone is young and trusting. Normal decent wonderful people always desire bonding with others - humans are social creatures - and toxic people twist that into a ego satisfaction factor using everyone and acknowledging noone. My brothers and sisters are those who laugh freely and love openly, my mother is anyone who comforts and cares, my father is anyone who protects and provides, ... Come and Join that family because you are invited. Accepting adoration is a lifeskill that grows up into the ability to give adoration to others; you can't fix them or wait for them to fix you. Refusing to accept verbal abuse is a mental boundary YOU use, it won't control the mouth of a toxic person with access to you, but it will give you a mental strength to protect you from the joy sucking vampires out there. Remember that we are not created to feel unloved unvalued or unwelcome! That is never supposed to happen to anyone. You should mostly feel loved, valued, and very welcome because that is the true purpose of any human family on Earth.
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post Oct 21 2008, 08:26 AM
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I am new to this website. I enjoyed this blog immensely. I also avoid toxic people who work in the public arena. There is a store here with a clerk that has been so abusive to me that it defies belief! I complained to the manager and nothing was done. I simply, in the interest of keeping my life free from strife, don't shop there anymore. Other people in this store also seem to be lacking in people skills and going there was a real pain.I am an incest survivor and constantly need to feel safe and be around safe people. Toxic relatives are the worst--especially on the holidays. As I heard Dr. Phil once say, "I'd rather be alone and in a desert than spend Christmas with this family." You can love people from a safe distance and not feel guilty, as Joel Osteen says.

-Rose707
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post Jan 5 2009, 09:07 PM
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QUOTE (Rose707 @ Oct 21 2008, 09:26 AM)
I am new to this website. I enjoyed this blog immensely. I also avoid toxic people who work in the public arena. There is a store here with a clerk that has been so abusive to me that it defies belief! I complained to the manager and nothing was done. I simply, in the interest of keeping my life free from strife, don't shop there anymore. Other people in this store also seem to be lacking in people skills and going there was a real pain.I am an incest survivor and constantly need to feel safe and be around safe people. Toxic relatives are the worst--especially on the holidays. As I heard Dr. Phil once say, "I'd rather be alone and in a desert than spend Christmas with this family." You can love people from a safe distance and not feel guilty, as Joel Osteen says.

-Rose707

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post Apr 9 2009, 06:24 AM
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I am new to this website, as I have stumbled across it in my quest for advice. Although I have not been physically abused by my parnter's family, I feel emotionally abused by them. I lost a child 2 years ago and since then I have been isolated and abandoned by the people who should have been protecting me. I am originally from the southern hemisphere and moved to the United Kingdom in 2005. I fell pregnant and was given awful advice by the people I had made friends with over here. I was basically told to abort my son because I was a tart and had ruined my partner's life. My mother-in-law told me I would be a crap mother.
I didn't abort, but sadly my son was born prematurely and died just 2 hours after he was born.
My in-laws were supportive for the two weeks after his death, and then encouraged us to get pregnant again to replace our baby son. I wasn't ready for this, and my mother in-law didn't seem to understand me. Her tears soon dried up, and it seemed she had forgotten my son.
Just 6 weeks after I buried my son I was stunned to be told that my partner's brother and his girlfriend of 3 months were expecting their first child. I was devasted and heart-broken, especially when I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to grieve in their home - I had to "be happy because they were having a baby." I endured all the heart-ache for the sake of my partner and the fact that I had nowhere else to go as I was so far from home. However, after being told that I needed to "get over it", I simply could not bring myself to see my partner's family again.
I refuse to speak to them, and have kept away entirely. They do not call, or visit and I was happier once I cut them out of my life.
However, my partner and I would like to get married and, eventually, have another child. I feel awful that I don't want his mother - or any of his family - at the wedding. I would love the ceremony to be just him and I. But he keeps putting it off, because I know he feels like his mum should be there. I am the sort of person that wants people to be happy, and I have given in about the marriage idea. I know I will probably never marry my partner simply because I can't forgive his mother and family.
They have moved on; they have another grandson to dote on and spend time with, they don't recognise me as part of the family and I really don't know what to do.
I am incredibly lonely in England, and have no support network. My partner is very good and understands that I want nothing to do with his family, however I know it breaks his heart that I don't attend family functions and spend Christmas morning on my own while he visits his family.
I have thought about writing to his mother and explaining the hurt she has caused, and explaining my feelings however this only upsets my partner. He doesn't want his mum to be hurt by what I have to say. I worry that he cares more for her feelings than mine sometimes.
Can anyone offer advice for me? Please?
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