The latest forum topics about marriage relationships. http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:36:38 -0800 60 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1646 He has told me that i need to get over the past and move forward, but i feel stuck in the world of the unkown. I still feel like i want to leave, but, wonder if i am just needing to get over the past, or not. As I asked earlier, if he is starting treatment as he says he is, am i awful to still want to leave, or am i justified...? PLEASE HELP ME??? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:37:10 -0800 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1646 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1645 He has told me that i need to get over the past and move forward, but i feel stuck in the world of the unkown. I still feel like i want to leave, but, wonder if i am just needing to get over the past, or not. As I asked earlier, if he is starting treatment as he says he is, am i awful to still want to leave, or am i justified...? PLEASE HELP ME??? I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!]]> Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:32:11 -0800 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1645 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1639 3 years into our marriage i met a guy(our common friend-bachelor) who gave me that attention. he was lonely as well. i relationship did grow physical but to limits and very rarely. one day my husband found an intimate chat( 6 months into this affair) that i had. i felt terrible...but then after some time told him it was all really happ coz i just didnt have my husband enuf. i relationship deteriorated more than ever. i felt guilty that it was all because he cudnt deal with his wife being with someone else who otherwise had no bad habits. i thot he was shattered......and he however still encouraged me to talk to the guy i met. said he felt guilty i lost a friend. i thot my husband was this very nice person who though broken was still concerned about my happiness. deep in my heart i felt whatever i did was because i craved love....but knew it was not gud enuf a reason to have an affair.
However the real twist came in when i found out that for two years my husband was having an affair with another married woman who was a very good friend of mine and spoke ours to me. this girl knew a lot of personal details about us through me...i never realized that i was being cheated this bad....and instead thot i was gulity of killing my marriage for the last two years. He was encoraing me to be with another guy so that he had his freedom. i was broken thinking the way this girl crept into my life, accepted favors from me and killed me....more than anything my husband let this happen. we also went out with this couple(the girl he had an affair with and her hubby-)numerous times. my husband general planned the outings. we spent big on thses trips wheras we never event spent 1/10 of that amount on just us. i lost faith in my senses and sensibility after this. i never got affection from his family too. while my mother was going thru her last stages of cancer he was spending time with his affair.
he is good to me at times..when none of this occurring. when i laugh and dont complain. he is a very quiet person.he used to explain that this obession with women was because he was quite suppressed in his childhood also bein asthematic he has to take a lot of strong meds...so he cant help this. when angry he wud hit me...first two years of our marriage he did this but now i laso do it. we both get angry now.i take very good care of my family and duties are very important to me. if it comes to my family i leave everything else and take care of him and my four year old daughter. thinking of my bad points. i try to make things perfect and anything out of place irritates me. once he does these things wrong which are gravely wrong in my eyes i tend to talk too much and wont forgive easily. he used to ask for forgiveness very quickly after he did these things..but stop asking for forgiveness once he met this women.
after his affair was uncovered he apologized and promised to give me a lifetime of happiness. it was like moving mountains to put this episode behind. because i always entrusted evryhting to my husband...i never checked into our accounts even though i contributed big bucks. if i spoke of the affair he would get wild with me.....so i had to just stop talking to bring in happiness.
his job moved to a diff city. we stayed away for a while working in diff cities....then i left my job and came her coz this gap was unfair to my daughter and already crubling marriage. now i am with my family in this place where u dont see a single soul. i stay all day at home . My husband hasnt changed one bit. no he has no affair( atleast i think so) but he still has this fancying other woman thing. he tells me i talk to much. i just feel he is not transparent ..keeps a lot hidden in his mind. he justifies himself saying most men are like him..quiet, tech crazy, fancy women.seriously now i just dont want to make this work and put love a divorce but now i ahve no job and lets say am very naive with money. i fear adjusting to life without him. facing indian community which is terrible. though i did all the house work i never handled money. i feel my daughter doesnt deserve this divorce.
sometimes it think this is my voice but maybe we both are just not made for each other. i am not the women he fancies( more physically). i am an an alrite lookign women. quite fit if not gorgeous. i dress well and have done very well career wise.
someone help me...tell me what to do.....and also how do i learn to stop talking out all that i feel. he doesnt listen to me. i am emotionally very dependent and otherwise appear this very strong woman who does all her jobs herself..
pls pls help me.]]> Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:20:08 -0800 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1639 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1595 Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:59:28 -0700 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1595 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1632
now am in love with him but am dying every day cox i dnt marry him at all cox i dnt want to spoil my sisters life at all. i have to marry someone. but i cant even think about another guy.we also had sex but i neve like to have sex with him at all cox i dnt like to hurt my sister.but it happind cox og him.now my life is strange.am dyng each day plz advice me.]]> Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:14:17 -0800 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1632 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1631 I was only a few months out of a four year long miserable relationship when I met my husband. In my short time being single, I thought I had discovered my part of where things went wrong in my last relationship and discovered happiness (at the bar, nightly). My husband and I met and were both reluctant to start a relationship but ended up hitting it off really well and spending all of our time together. Inevitably, a wonderful relationship developed and we became exclusive. We were best friends, we drank together (and with liquid courage) shared everything about each other with each other. I knew at the time that I met him that he was not an overly affectionate person and seemed to have an enormous barrior around all of his feelings. That was okay with me because all walls fell down when we drank. He was loving, affectionate, and would share his feelings without hesitation. Of course I knew this was more from the alcohol than anything, but it allowed us to connect. several months went by, we had what I believed to be typical ups and downs (always involving his lack of affection for me and his inability to say "I love you too" and things of that nature) but we still enjoyed each other enough to get married. We eloped in Las Vegas after a couple of months of being engaged.
It is at this point that I believe things greatly shifted for me. When we got married, at the time of "I do", he wouldn’t look at me. It devastated me. This along with the lack of affection and the alcoholism created the nightmare that I am living in. I should add here that we have always had a problem with sex as well. He seems to have very little interest in sex and I am quite the opposite (probably to an unhealthy extreme...typical woman who places her own value in her sexuality type deal). So in my opinion there seems to be an overall intimacy issue here, but if I could solve anything based upon my own opinion I wouldn’t be writing this
About two months ago, I sunk into a deep depression. One that has come in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. However, now that I am married it affects my husband as well. It is a combination of my marriage and the rest of my life and it leaves me feeling stuck. I will note that drinking has been a constant for us, at times we drink heavily and at times we don’t. Somewhere along the line we shifted from getting drunk and talking about how much we love each other to getting drunk and having horrible (unimaginable) fights. I believe I had a hard time letting go of drinking because the only time I got affection and love was when we drank. The rest of the time we were more of buddies than two people in a romantic relationship. I am glad that my husband is my best friend, but resentful that he is not intimate with me. (We are best friends, we have no problem in that area...I could carry on about our great friendship but that is not what I need advice about ;]) A couple weekends ago, he wanted to go to a party with his friends (all of which make cheating on their girlfriends look like a sport) and he didn’t want me to go. He didn’t want us to drink and be embarrassed by a fight. He wanted to have a good time. I was understanding of this, yet still concerned that he didn’t want me there. I decided to go drink with my friends. Late in the evening he text me that he loved me. Myself being intoxicated, took it as a sign of guilt because he refuses to say I love you (or I love you too...even to his own child, not only me) forgetting that he is loving when he drinks. To shorten the story, I called his phone and it answered in his pocket. I heard him talking to a female and lost it. In my fragile mental state, I didn’t care what they were talking about, I was bothered. I got a ride to the party, saw him outside, and started beating the $#!% out of him in front of everyone. So much for not making a scene. We yelled and he told me to get out of his life so I got dropped back off at home to pack my things. I didn’t end up doing that because I passed out drunk and did not awake until he came home and woke me up with his yelling. I continued to punch the daylights out of him and he tried to get me to leave. He never reciprocated violence towards me. He only shoved me out the door. Unfortunately, this is when the cops arrived and they arrested him for domestic violence for "forcing me (the aggressor)" out the door. We spent a week apart and during that time agreed to stop drinking and try to work things out. I feel so much guilt for him getting arrested over my behavior. We haven’t gone through court and I don’t know whats going to happen with that, I am more concerned with my relationship. We are staying together on the grounds that things must change. While I was away, all I wanted was to come home and appreciate what I have with my husband. this is my first night home (my husband works nights) and I find myself now remembering all of the reasons why I was depressed in the first place instead of being grateful that he is forgiving me and continuing the relationship. It’s all very complicated. I just can’t figure out if I am expecting too much from him by wanting things to be romantic. I am not naive and I understand that life isn’t a fairytale, I just don’t know if I can accept that he loves me if he can’t look at me when we get married or say I love you too. It’s sad to me because I am a self proclaimed codependent with tons of emotional baggage although at most times I hide it well. but I have agreed that I need to seek help with those things, along with my drinking problem, yet all I get from him is some excuse about how he is a man and he is not going to act "gay" and be "all over me all the time" or that "this is me, I’m going to be me, and I’m not going to change". I don’t know if it is possible to overcome the things I feel I’m missing, and I can’t seem to stop focusing on all of the things I feel I don’t get from him. Any opinion is appreciated! please help!
]]> Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:18:38 -0800 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1631 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1626 [b] Latvian crisis! Please help a family of four children to cover the debt for gas (gas heating). We are out of work, winter comes, the threat to switch off heating costs. I look forward to your response and understanding! Many thanks in advance! uguna39@gmail.com]]> Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:10:36 -0700 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1626 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1621
My husband is 7 years older than me. He has always been a good provider and we have a beautiful home. I work voluntary 3 days a week for a charity, before we married I worked in the NHS. My husband retired from a very good goverment job 2 1/2 years ago. We had planned to do lots of things together.. There has never been any doubt in our years together that he would ever want to hurt me. He has always kind, and in return I was so happy. This is where the terrible realisation kicks in. My husband having retired 2 1/2 years ago, decided he wanted to work abroad (He has in the 14 years I have known him, mentioned this from time to time. I was always encouraging) We talked about this for 6 months, then decided that we would go as a family abroad. My 20 yr old (then nearly 17 thought it fantastic) My husband applied to a large city abroad and went to work there in Jan 2008. Myself and daughter was following on 8 weeks later. We were not selling the house, and myself and my daughter were going out to see if we liked it out there.

Upon arriving my husband was odd at the airport, and non of the hugs he usually gave me was forthcoming. We went to the apt we had rented. This is the absolute truth what I am writing. He had brought me as a present a mobile phone. I thanked him. My daughter turned it on as I am hopeless with technology, said "Who is this on here" I looked, and on the screen was a filipino woman. As quick as I saw it, my husband snatched it away. I stood shaking and looked at my daughter. I went out the room and said to my husband, who the hell was that. He looked visibly shaken, and at that moment I knew he was lying. He then said he wanted to be alone. It all happened within 2 hours of us being there. the sickness I felt I cant explain. Then there were long hairs on the burgandy leather sofa, that he would not of been aware of, and not hoovered the sofa. There was an almighty row. I said to my daughter "dont unpack, we are going home. I told my husband I hated him, I screamed at him. We could not get a flight back for 2 days, it was an absolute awful time for me and my daughter. My husband cried and cried and told me I had it all wrong, that she was just a friend, and that he felt ill. (I believe he felt ill by the shear fact I had found him
out, not ill through anything physical) How I mananged that flight home I will never know. To the people I work with, my mother and friends (i only have a couple of close friends) I said my husband had to work away for 8 weeks, and I was not prepared to stay there, so that is why we came back.

This is my story, and today my heartache still goes on. Over the past 16 months since our return many things have changed. He has owned up to the fact that he met with the wrong crowd when he got there, going out drinking, etc, and this woman was in the company of a friends girlfriend. He took her out, but then reality hit him and he realised what he was doing and finished seeing her. Taking her out means he had met her almost as soon as he had got there. He became ill with stress with all the heartcache he had given me. I tried to think of reasons that maybe it was my fault. He had only been gone 8 weeks. I have tried so hard to understand why he would want to do this to me. I have to put it down to a new country, exciting for him, and lots of temptation. We sent hundreds of emails, and spoke on the phone. He has never come up with a reason why he did this. He says"I was weak". I have wanted to leave the marriage, but he was devasated when I said this. I have kept my dignity and strength. The only people that know the absolute truth is my sister in Law (his brothers wife, who are both appalled at his behaviour) and my very best friend. The have been towers of help to me, when I have cried. My husband is ashamed at his behaviour. The present situation is, after all thses months of battling this alone and literally being on automation for months, I have come out of this stronger and wiser. I have kept all the spite away from my daughter and I have told her that there was nothing in it with this woman. My daughter loves her step father, as does my elder son. I have not run him down in front of them. I work hard in the house and garden, as this is what I am like. I have never shied away from hard work. I spend a lot of hours on my own, and have started a open university course. My husband still works abroad, and he never once said he would come home. Its not that we are desperate for the money. He seems to have carved a new life out for himself, and I am no longer important to him. I want to start agin on my own, as I realise this is more important to him than I am. He came home for 1 week this year. My husband is also impotent, and has been for 5 years, so any intimate relationship is out of the question. I am also very sad about this. He could have used viagra, I will never know, as he tells me he did not do anything like that with her.
All this stress has wore away my confidence. I truly loved him, and now I feel empty inside. I put on a brave face every day, and people see me as happy go lucky. I am not just saying this, but I am attractive, and get lots of amdmiration, however I do not dress up for this, I seem to attract people. I am kind, warm and funny. My husband knows this. He tells me he cant make it on his own, that he would be lost without me.

I really dont know what to do. My head tells me to leave and start agin on my own, with my daughter, as the trust is gone. I do find it difficult to believe whatever he says. 4 times last year he was packing up and coming home, and yet he still remains there. There is always some excuse. I have said I wont keep waiting. He has always been shallow with emotional feelings, and he doesnt seem to have any depth of feeling for what he has put me through.
Im not sure if I can get over it. I went on antidepressants, as the upset was too much. No one knows about this either.
No one can tell me the answer to this ongoing turmoil, but if anyone may want to give advice, I would be grateful. Im sorry the situation is long winded, but there was no other way of telling it.

I dont want to be unhappy, its hard having to pretend everything is ok. I am going out to see him in 10 days, and I want to say to him "I dont want to be with you anymore", but fear holds me back. I cant turn the clock back, but I did not do anything wrong in all our years together and thought we were terribly happy. He could do this again, but next time he would cover his tracks better. How would I know, His lack of commitment should tell me he has changed and I should not put up with this situation anymore. I never thought this would happen. He is turning into a man I dont know. He is good with providing, but equally I dont want to stay through obligation, neither do I want to feel intimidated. I would rather be poor and happy, then have comforts and be desperatley sad.
I do not know what to do for the best. Any advice would be grateful, even if I have to look at the situation from a different angle I would be willing to try.

I had better stop now, Sorry if there are mistakes in my text. I have not read through it. Thank you]]> Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:38:37 -0700 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1621 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1617
Thanks
]]> Mon, 19 Oct 2009 17:57:26 -0700 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1617 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1601 Sun, 27 Sep 2009 11:30:08 -0700 http://www.way2hope.org/family-forums/index.php?showtopic=1601